If by Rudyard Kipling

    If you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too:
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
    Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

    If you can dream, and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think, and not make thoughts your aim,
    If you can meet with triumph and disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same:.
    If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
    And never breathe a word about your loss:
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch,
    If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much:
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

It's time to stop focusing on the negatives in my life of which there are many.  I'm here, I'm alive and I'm starting to focus.  Tomorrow I'll be back at 1200 calories, though I may not remember to weigh.  It'll depend on whether my girl is sick tomorrow since she was acting 'off' tonight. 

October 25, Wednesday

The last couple of days, my littlest has been sick.  He's been running a fever, he's been clingy.  We're still not covered by Medicaid because they're saying that I didn't send all the information.  Mom paid for me to bring him to Urgent Care, where they said he had a mild ear infection.

Ugh, I had a whole post written and lost it because Mom's internet went out momentarily.

I'm getting so discouraged.  I can't seem to get a job, I can't get Medicaid (or other insurance) for my kids, I am short on money and missing my husband.  How do I know whether this is what I'm supposed to have done if I can't get anything to work right? 

My weight, 190.6 lbs.  It's not changing.  I guess it's good it's not going up since my commitment hasn't been high enough lately, but it's also TOM and I'm a touch sick.

I'm discouraged in everything.  I just want to cry.

I guess I'd better get back to the article I'm writing.  750 more words and I'll then work on my website and copywriting resume.  Maybe I'll have better luck if I can get those done.

Monday, October 17

Stress...

The running joke is that stressed is desserts spelled backwards.  There's another point that I need to remember.

When I'm at my brother's warehouse and I'm overtired, my self-control is nil.  The week I decided I was fasting sweets, I stayed away from them.  Today... not so much.  I'll be walking to the daycare, which at least will get some movement in.  I'm at home the next couple of days, which means I can focus on eating right. 

I'll do what I can to make up for the crap today.  After that, well if I can manage to get a SNAP card, I'll buy a few groceries I need for my meal plan.  Mom can use the rest for foods for everyone, but we have no chicken.  The only bread we have is 130 calories a slice.  Dinner is leftovers, but I think I'm going to have cucumbers with a bit of dressing.  Maybe a light meal would be a good idea.  Oh yea, then I have to get busy writing so I can afford to pay my cell phone bill.  That's why I'm stressing, though don't ask me how crap food is going to help me pay my bill. 

Yesterday

After doing pretty well this week, I went off the deep end both figuratively and literally yesterday.  I worked the day for my brother in his warehouse, around all the junk food he sells in the vending machines.  And all I could think of doing is eating.

Why would I do this to myself you might ask?

I'm stressing over money.  The 2nd job I got.. yea, not so much.  I worked for 4 hours on Tuesday.  The next time I work is Saturday Oct 29th.  My sister was going to watch the kids, but she's out of town next weekend for her anniversary, so I have no sitter.  Therefore, I can't work.

When we finally get Justin on the road, it's going to cost at least $300 for him to get here.  He needs another $200 to register his car, and possibly another $100 to fix the dash so he can tell how fast he's going.  His speedometer doesn't work.  I need to do enough writing to pay our $115 phone bill, which means making another $75 or thereabouts in the next 2 weeks.

I'm not getting along very well with my stepdad.  There are just a few things he does that drive me crazy.  It wasn't so bad when he still had his sight, but now he's crankier than ever.  He had me in tears this morning with his attitude.

Yesterday, I went to make a peanut butter sandwich for the boy, and there was mayonnaise in the peanut butter jar.  Ick.  But my stepdad wouldn't admit that he got it there, instead he insisted the knife he used for peanut butter was clean.  Frequently, I can make something for the kids, and unless I say out loud it's for the kids, it's gone, eaten.  Like there's not enough food in the house.

There might not be the food I'm used to, but there is food in the house.

I guess I should work on my next writing assignment.  I have to do a bunch of research for it.  Maybe I should cancel and take a different one instead, one that takes less research because I know the subject.

Wednesday, October 12

Total calories today: 1468, but I got my gallon of water, and I walked the kids to the bus stop/daycare twice.  Well I walked there and back twice, once to drop off and once to pick up.  I carried the almost 3 year old most of the way.  Otherwise, I spent the day writing.

I got some of the stuff accomplished today that I needed to do.  I just need to get the last 4 - 50 word articles done before bed.  Tomorrow will be at least one more article, but I also need to mow the lawn and start on my daughter's dress that I'm sewing. 

I guess my post tonight is short.  I had something I was going to say, but it's escaping me now, so I guess I'll write it later.  I do need to weigh myself tomorrow to track how I'm doing.  My weight has fluctuated within a pound, since it's jumping around I know it's water weight, but it's not easy seeing how the scale is moving.

Tuesday, October 11

So, yesterday I should have put a part 2 on my second post.  Obviously I didn't, but it'll be fine.  It's not a duplicate, I promise.

I've got lots of writing to do today.  I got a direct order through Textbroker for 9 articles.  Oomph.  I'm working on the one I had taken before I got the direct orders, then I'll have to start on those and try to get done before Friday when I have to work at my brother's warehouse again.

Food, not great already today.  No excuses.  But, I had a telephone interview with FL DCF (Department of Children and Families).  I qualify for food stamps, even living with my parents.  I can have food that I eat here.  Like fruit and salads/fresh veggies.  Like my regular meals.  Food for my kids that they'll eat that aren't just Lunchables or peanut butter.  I hate asking my mother to buy a lot of food, but I need something different for my kids to eat.  I'm thinking pork & beans for them.  I'll have to take a trip through Walmart or Publix when I get the food stamps.  I just need to be sure that if I get something my nephew would like I get enough for him too.  I'll have to be careful because he eats more than my kids.

Justin's grandfather is doing much better.  He's been home from the hospital almost 2 weeks and is recovering nicely from his stroke.  I'm hoping we can get Justin here by the boy's 3rd birthday on Nov 13.  Right now it's a money issue.  Not having a job for as long as I've been here has really depleted our moving fund.

Anyway, I'm overwhelmed with work and have to leave around 12 to get to Michael's and get some information faxed to DCF.  I'll try to post later...

Monday, Oct 10

So tomorrow I start my 2nd job. I'm grateful I got another job so I'm working more than 20 hrs/week, but I'm worried about providing for my family. I'm feeling like I need to make more than Justin because I have the higher earning potential.

Then again, this job will give me the breathing room to start making a living from writing. Its retail, and busier for the holidays. I'll also be able to work toward making more. I'm not sure I'll get many hours after the first of the year.

I need the money right now, so this job is heaven sent.

My credit score is going up, though I need to get it up higher. All of the money I get after expenses will go to saving for first month/security deposit on a place for us.

I'm trying not to eat over this. My mother and sister think I should ask for help with daycare now that I'm over 20 hours on my off weeks. I just don't see a way to do it until the job is a bit more settled. I'm more interested in getting Medicaid set up for my kids - at least until the writing takes off.

I need to set up my NaNoWriMo blog. Its empty right now, so I'll set it up for updates via MMS like this one is.

Then I can spend some of my car riding time writing instead of just reading email. I'll start one story, then start a new one when I participate in NaNoWriMo. I want to do that this year.

Monday, Oct 10

Today was a friend's anniversary date, but he died in 2006. I can't remember what his wife's birthday is, but its also this month. I need to remember to wish her happy birthday on Facebook. I miss him a lot. He and I were close.

My weight hasn't budged since my weigh in 2 weeks ago. I'm eating enough to maintain, but not lose or gain. I need to change that. I know I didn't get enough water yesterday or Saturday either, so that probably didn't help. Today my focus is on my water intake and movement. The food needs to be less. I'm going to be sure to eat less too. I wonder if I can get a salad from my mother... She has a lot of them that haven't sold.

Salad and a tuna sandwich sound like a decent choice for lunch if I can get them. Otherwise, I'm not sure. We have Lean Cuisines but I'm not crazy about the chicken chow mein that is all he has right now.

Metamorphasis

For some reason, when thinking about using this as a blog title, the book by that name came to mind... I believe the original title is in French, since I was thinking the French 'Metamorphose'... But it may be German since the only author I can think of is Franz Kafka, who I believe is German, so now I'm going to have to look the book up tonight lol.

Princess said something on her blog about the butterfly and how its a symbol of rebirth - metamorphasis or change. That's my plan as well for the next 3 months. A metamorphasis. I want to rise from the ashes like a phoenix (tho not Fawkes).

Thinking about it now, I see the irony in JK Rowling naming a phoenix after a UK public figure - Guy Fawkes day, anyone? And burning bundles of sticks - once called faggots - now that word has a negative connotation.

My plan is to be transformed. To be different by Christmas. To become more myself. I'm finding myself more now that I'm not so stressed and unhappy. I forgot so much...

The depression that's been part of me for so long is gone. I'm sad that Justin is still in OK, but his grandparents need him - even if they sau they don't. I'm frustrated that money is so tight, but I'm working on that.

I even might have found a Tae Kwon Do school to go to. The pastor at my parents' church and his youngest son go there. Its inexpensive, which is good for now, and its Christian, so I don't have to worry that my daughter will be taught something other than what I believe. She's 2 years younger than my Marine was when I first started bringing him there for the discipline.

New Resolve

So Friday I kinda got hit with a thought that I should fast.  I'm looking for a job, I need a home other than with my parents, and I need my husband here in FL with me.  I need a lot, and I need ... something to ramp up my praying for this, since nothing else seems to be working, and I am focusing on not getting discouraged.

My resolve is that I'm going to fast something... a bad habit that I picked up when I started staying with my parents.  It got worse working with my brother.  I'm giving up sweets (which I should have done anyway, this is why my weight loss has gotten so slow) until I get what I need.  I'm going to spend more time praying. 

I know what I feel led to do, and it's not working outside the home.  BUT I'm not at a place where I can make a living with it.  Instead, I'm going to do a bunch of things.  I'm truly feeling like I'm going to end up with a job at Michael's doing craft stuff.  I'm not sure why I feel that way since I'm sure they have plenty who can do that.  I also foresee that I'll probably end up giving candlemaking and soapmaking classes.  I don't know quite how to explain that.  Then again, my hunches have been wrong... I had one the week before last where I just felt I had to have a phone that worked at the warehouse, and nothing ever came of it other than a call from my nephew just before my mom walked in.

So, I fast sweets (which is going to mean detox and it's going to be VERY hard), and I pray. 

Oh yea, and one more thing.  I found a Tae Kwon Do school.  I'm going to go check it out on Tuesday.  I might even be able to keep my brown belt.  My daughter needs to go as well, I think it'd be good for her.  I found it through my pastor at church, and it's a Christian TKD school, like the one I went to in Branson when I lived there.   I'm all excited about that.

One of Those Days

So, I forgot to weigh this morning.  It's all good.  It's been a difficult weekend with my 2 year old.  The kids at the daycare have been sick with a cough, and he's got it too.  So he's cranky.  In the mornings, I'm having to make his food and 'share' it with him.  So I ate a bit already and won't weigh after eating because it's just not going to be accurate compared to weighing on an empty stomach.

On the other hand, last week my weight was down.  Only 3.5 lbs for September, but I'm okay with it.  It's still going in the right direction, even if it's slow.  I think at this point, that makes it less than 15 minutes to get to being merely overweight instead of obese.

I've got a job interview tomorrow for Michael's.  Since I'm crafty, I'm looking forward to it.  I don't know what I'll be doing, but anything more than working for my brother will help.  I need the income.  I would love to be able to keep helping my brother too, but we'll see what happens.

I'm going to go make myself some oatmeal, because that's what I'm wanting.  I need to come up with a plan for breakfasts for the rest of the week.  I don't have much time on Monday, Thursday and Friday, and need to find something quick.  Maybe I should look for Dawn's (bbubblyb's)  protein bar recipe... but I'd have to buy the ingredients myself and I only have about $20 to get through until my next paycheck in 2 weeks after I pay daycare expenses and tithe... I hate when money is this tight... I only earn about $90 more than I pay in daycare expenses, Justin needed some of the money to get him through the week, and I had to buy big boy underwear for the 2 year old...