April 15, Death and Taxes

I wasn't going to go to church/small groups tonight because I thought the girl had testing tomorrow.  My hubby convinced me she'd run off her energy better there than if I tried to get her to run it off at home.

The message was one I needed to hear, so it was good I went.  I guess my problem was the one who wants to keep us from our full potential.

Anyway, food today was soso, water was good, and no exercise.

Blah, I need to do better tomorrow.  Tonight I'm ready for sleep.  I've cried bunches today, letting go of things I've needed to let go of and hearing things I've needed to know.

And above all, worried for my Marine.  It's taking a toll on me for sure.

Laterness & g'night.

April 14, Live Forever

I've been reading something on the Guideposts website tonight, and it has me going.  It's by Ray Bradbury of all people, and it talks about how we live forever through doing what we're meant to do.  That subject ties into something that someone posted on Facebook the other day (someone that works at what I want to do for a living).  What would it mean to me if I never wrote?  I answered and talked about how I'd feel that I had been silenced because it's only through writing that I truly am able to voice how I feel about things.  My answer was more complex than that, but it made me realize that I have to write.  Even when I try not to, I find myself writing something, in email if no where else.

For today, I'm a bit low on water, but I did get some walking in (nothing formal like I had been doing during the week).

1. Water at 80 oz
2. Food on plan
3. Some walking, parked on the other side of the parking lot and walked to Hobby Lobby for my yarn.

There were storms in the air all day, so I didn't do much of anything really.  I took my girl shopping, her 7th birthday was Monday and she got gift cards for her birthday from my family and hubby's grandparents.  We managed to keep the total to only about $5 over the gift cards, but she cried that we had to put stuff back.  My girl is going to be a shopper, so I'm trying to come up with a plan for back to school shopping.  Something about bringing a calculator, and working on adding the prices with her.

I'm going to read and crochet a bit, then get to bed.  Laterness & g'night.

Friday the 13th

It's late and I'm tired, but I need to at least post my progress for the day.

1. water at 3 liters
2. 25 minutes of walking (to get my check, to cash my check, to the restaurant for lunch  

Food, well I blew it again.  I stressed out over work, and not being able to find some important papers, and I turned to chocolate.  I'll do better tomorrow.  At least I tried to minimize the damage.

Tonight, I'm exhausted.  It's time for bed.

Laterness & g'night.

April 12, Thursday

First off, What I Did Right Today (aka being DIRTy for my OOT friends)

1.  Water over 3 liters
2. 10 minute walk
3. Food actually on plan

Otherwise, it's been a day and a week.  I'm exhausted and have a ton of research to do.  I need to find a way to get financing to buy a house.  And my credit is in the drain.

Thinking I might go to bed early.  The book isn't open on my computer tonight, and I'm not prepared to open it, not tonight.  I've got some stuff to do.

I've also got some short stories running around in my head, and I need to get them on paper soon.

Laterness & g'night.

April 11, Wednesday Pt 2

After saying I was going to bed soon, I started reading Transformation Road again. I couldn't put the book down (or rather my laptop since I have it on Kindle for PC).

I couldn't put it down until he started getting into some of the reasons... Talking about feeling like a failure and being harder on himself than anyone else... Yea that sounds familiar - and more. I started to shake as I was reading it and decided it was enough for now.

It sounds like I am going to have to do some of the mental work I didn't do last year when I lost my first 50 lbs. Yes, weight loss is calories in/calories out, or simply eat less and exercise more. Simple it is, easy its not.

Maybe its time for my own steel curtain zone - or calorie bank and trust. I'm working on it, and am getting where I need to be. I will do it and start losing again by my birthday.

April 11, Wednesday

Thank goodness it's hump day.  I so need this week to go away.  It's just been really hard.  Today was awful.  We have an issue that's coming up, and every suggestion I made, the boss shot down.  She didn't even read what we were told about the government agency we deal with.  It was kinda funny actually.  BUT whatever.

Still no word on whether I actually have a job or not.  With some prompting from my sister, I'm going to go against the comfortable and call the other job I interviewed for.  I haven't heard anything, and they called me in to do a background check over a month ago.

What I did right today:

1. 3 liters of water

Food was much better today.  I didn't do a walk, but will do so tomorrow.  Today I was just too stressed, so instead I ate in the break room and read.  Not relaxing enough.  Walking is much better.

Still reading Transformation Road as well, but probably not for much longer tonight.  I'm exhausted, there was a thunderstorm last night, about 4:30 am or so.  Both kids came running into the bedroom complaining they were scared.

Laterness & g'night.

April 10, Tuesday

What I did right today:

1. 15 minute walk on the treadmill @ 3.2 mph
2. more than 3 liters of plain water

Food was closer to right today.  Everything was on plan until dinner, and even that I kept the portions controlled.  Strictly controlled.

Overall, I'd say this was a decent day.  I need to start journaling my food so I can put it in SparkPeople or something.   It'd be nice if I had a phone that I could download an app to do it, but ... right now my Blackberry won't handle it. 

I do have blank books I can use to journal.  I got a bunch of them on clearance when I worked for Michael's.  Clearance and I think I might have gotten my discount on top of that.  It was right around Christmas and they had some really good deals where I got my discount on everything, including sale prices.

Started reading Transformation Road by Sean Anderson.  It's given me food for thought, and I'm only on chapter 5.  It also reminded me of a lot I didn't deal with in school.  Bullying is hard to deal with, especially when someone slams your fingers in your locker.

One of these days I'll journal that too.  Probably not on my blog, it'd be boring.  Like this isn't ;)

Laterness & g'night.

April 9, Monday

Probably not going to be up much longer.  I'm just not feeling it tonight.

Food was great, right up until dinner.  We had birthday cake for my girl and I lost control.  I ate two pieces.  Ugh, I feel sick just thinking about it.

I guess I'm just going to go take a melatonin pill, read for a bit then get some sleep.  My brain has been fuzzy, and I can't figure out why it's so hard to concentrate.  Maybe I truly just need more sleep.  I've gone for years on 7 hours, until I started the paper route in 2009.  Maybe the paper route messed up my sleep needs.  Who knows.

Water was great at least.  I didn't get the treadmill, for a stupid reason.  I forgot to bring a change of clothes. 

Anyway, not sure what to do about the fuzzy thoughts. I'm trying more sleep.  Less stress just isn't going to happen.

No word from my Marine, and it's been 2 weeks.  Blah

Laterness & g'night.

April 8, Sunday

So I've noticed something.  I haven't wanted to go to sleep lately.  Ever since my son, my Marine messaged me that he was leaving on patrol.  I don't know why I can't seem to trust that if something happens I'll hear about it. 

With the lack of sleep comes depression.  Not the minor 'I'm sad' type feeling.  The full-blown 'I can barely focus and really don't have any energy to do anything except read' type feeling.  Only I've been working for 2 months and I'm no closer to having a job.  I've done 2 interviews with 2 different companies (for a total of 4 interviews) and haven't heard anything about either of the jobs.  And the temp agency doesn't offer insurance.

I've been taking Sam-E, and a Super B Complex.  Things that have helped in the past.  Instead, I'm exhausted all the time.  I live on coffee at work and can still barely focus.

I got really snappish today.  I've had so many times of being told what to do because I don't do things like everyone else does, or hearing the grandparents fight in the other room, knowing what stress it's putting on them for us to live here.

I know this is just because of how I react to negativity, but it's not making it any easier.

When I said something to the grandmother about having trouble focusing, her response was to go to bed earlier.  That's her answer to pretty much anything I say about not feeling well.  Except I only really need 7 hours of sleep normally.  The nightmares are stealing my sleep.

I'm going to try for adding real exercise tomorrow, though I did get a half hour walk in today.  It was the only way to bring balance back.  I stopped, grabbed a tree branch hanging down on the road, and just felt something running from the tree through my feet to the ground.  It could just have been my blood pumping too. 

I watched what I ate today, other than coffee with sugar in it since I couldn't get sugar free where I was.  Tomorrow will start with the exercise.  Even if it means setting the speed to 3 and walking the whole time, I'm heading for 20 minutes on the treadmill.

It's getting toward 10 and I still need to take out my contacts and take a melatonin pill and read for a few minutes.  Laterness & g'night.

April 2, Monday

I think the days are going to get very long, especially if I get this job. When I was asked in, it was because someone was taking medical leave. That person is back, and I'm not sure if she's upset - she's friends with the person who quit. Whatever, I'll get through it.

Its now Tuesday, I'm going to hit send and then write my update for today.