I don’t know what’s up with me today. I’m having trouble focusing on work. All I can think about is X (obviously not his real name, it’s the first letter my ex in Branson’s online username) today. Not sure why he’s on my mind. No, I never got over him, but there is someone else out there that I never got over either. Of course, the someone else is still talking to me, X is not. X and my Marine never really got along, but Justin doesn’t always get along with my Marine either.
Maybe I’m thinking of this person because the last time I seriously lost weight was when I was with him. The last time I seriously lost weight, I almost got down to 200 lbs, and he told me he had been thinking about leaving. He started spending every other weekend at the house of his high school girlfriend (obviously an ex), and told me he never got over her but that all he did is kiss her once and cuddle with her, that he didn’t sleep with her.
I’ll admit, there are times that I’ve been tempted to leave Justin. He’s been unemployed three times in the almost 7 years we’ve been together. He hasn’t received unemployment any of those times. Each time I’ve been the primary wage earner. But, I made a choice, and I’m with him for better or worse – unless he leaves me.
Yet a very small part of me worries that Justin is going to want to leave when I get to almost 200 lbs. It’s the same part of me that lived with an abusive husband (not X, my Marine’s father) for almost 5 years, even after he threatened me with a knife. The part that wouldn’t let me leave until it was my online friends from the MUD convinced me that I needed to leave. The part of me that believed that I’d never find anyone after I left that ex because that’s what he told me time and again. The same part that still won’t let me be happy 15 years later, no matter how much counseling I’ve been through. The part that is probably the reason that I’ve never been in a relationship that’s lasted more than 5 years.
So far, food is on plan (day 3 meal plan). Water is only at 48 oz and I’m uncomfortably full considering I haven’t eaten my lunch. I’m getting ready to get another 16 oz of water. Writing everything out put things into perspective. Part of me still thinks Justin will leave me or something will happen to him and I’ll be a single parent again, but I can deal with that. It’s been my fear since I had my kittie girl and Justin went in the hospital for chest pains at the age of 32. Another part of me feels like we’re less important than whatever crap he wants to put in his mouth. Yet he’s eating healthy with me, exercising, trying to lose weight and take his medications. It’ll all work out as it’s supposed to I guess.
Now to figure out what to do about my job - or a job I like better.
No comments:
Post a Comment