Lets get the stats out of the way first. Too much mayonnaise in my tuna put me high in fat, but I stayed under 1100 calories, just 37% fat. Ugh!
Calories: 1069
Water: 100+ oz (I lost count after 7 cups)
Protein: 87g
Fat: 45g
Fiber: 20g
BUT though I skipped the afternoon snack, I still got 4 servings of veggies today, I was short on fruit and I'll make that up tomorrow.
While I was out walking tonight, I started thinking about the last time I lost a substantial amount of weight. I tried to remember what I did, I tried to remember my mindset. I lost about 40 lbs in 2001 when on eDiets. I ate the right things, drank my water and exercised. I was content with my life, then the bottom dropped out of my little world when my boyfriend started saying a lot of stuff that no longer matters. I think, I honestly think I've obsessed about that enough for a lifetime. Honestly, he and my Marine didn't get along. Though he and I had a lot in common and he made me happy, there were a lot of issues that he just put off dealing with. Looking back, he had trapped himself in a situation that he could only get out of when I left. Though I left for all the wrong reasons, leaving was the right thing to do.
He didn't trap just himself in that situation though. He trapped me and my son too. The depression I went through, the long years of it weren't just from him and his actions. Instead of dealing with things, I let them simmer and I obsessed over them. I did the same in 2003, and I feel like I really strained some very precious relationships because I tend to obsess over things that are going on in my life. Then I eat. Eating doesn't give me anything but a momentary pleasure, the taste of the food, the texture in my mouth.
I was thinking about that when I refilled my water cup today. I have to pass the vending machine at work on each trip to the break room for water. I said earlier that it's not much of a temptation... it isn't, but it is. I looked at the chocolate bars in there and thought about how the stress from work would seem to go away. I could focus, even momentarily on the experience of eating and the feeling of the sugar hitting my blood stream. I almost took a picture and sent the picture to this blog.
But sugar isn't the answer to the problems that plague me. Eating isn't the answer either. I need to work on letting go and forgiving myself for obsessing over things that I should have put behind me. Over the hurts that I brought on myself with thoughtless actions. I realized the other day that I've punished myself for the mistakes I've made over the last 7 years. I've distanced myself from those friends that I made. I disappear on them so I can't get the encouragement I need for the healthy eating. The reminders and gentle nudges that come from long-time friendships. In distancing myself though, I've also failed them. I haven't been there for them. I've had excuses but in the end, it all comes down to not being the friend I know I can be and for that I'm mad at myself. Writing this out is a small step toward making it up to them. I need to acknowledge it before I can work toward making things right.
I think that I'm going to have to work on forgiveness most of all. The first person I need to forgive is myself. I need to forgive myself for moving around so much when my Marine was younger. I also need to forgive myself for subjecting him to living in a homeless shelter... I could have moved back to Vermont and started over. My parents would even have helped me. I should have just stayed in the area when I went to NY for Daddy's funeral. I didn't have a job at the time anyway, so it's not like I had any reason to come back to the mid-west. I was selfish and young. I guess that's something else I need to sort through and put behind me.
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