Through the fog there is hope in the

Distance

I had a big post written yesterday, but forgot to hit send. It was just one of those day, my car even started acting up on me. Its better today, so all is good.

On the other hand, my plan for food yesterday fell flat. I'm picking myself up and starting over again today. The scale isn't heading up, but its not going down either. I just need to sort through my feelings. I'm worried about Justin's grandfather, he had a stroke on Monday or Tuesday. Thank God, Justin is there to help his grandmother, but it just means he stays that much longer and I miss him so much.

Doing this parenting thing alone is not fun and I just need him around even if the kids weren't always crying for him. I've been tempted to eat because I'm lonely. I don't understand it, I've been single before and I never felt like this... Of course I had money to do things, and didn't have 2 young children who were always crying for someone else. Instead I had one who was mostly happy with being with me instead of his father.

Plus we've had a rough few years, and I'm still stressing over money. We spent too many years without enough money for basics. Its embarassing to have had to ask Justin's grandparents for a 'care package' of food, or money for gas. At least I should be able to make enough here... If I ever get another job. And he should be able to get something too, unlike where we were.

Weight this morning, 193.8 lbs. Right about the same as I've been weighing at. Yes, its up a bit from Saturday, but I think that's water weight from spending the day in my brother's truck. In the heat.

I'm at the warehouse, so I'm thinking about walking around the building. I'm wanting to fall asleep even with Puddle of Mudd blasting in my ears.

Wednesday

I have a job interview on Friday, hopefully something good comes of it.

I didn't weigh today, it was just one of those mornings, but my weight has been at 193.4 for the last 2 days, so I'm just going with that.

Today: 1380 calories
Exercise: 1 hr of mowing the lawn (sorry, with the way I sweat, that's exercise)
Water: 130 oz

A bit high on the calories, but otherwise not bad.  I'll let the calories slide today because of the sheer amount of exercise I got.  Tomorrow starts back to 1000 to 1200.

Laterness & g'night.

Don't leave me chasing dreams...

My weight this morning - 193.4 lbs.

I didn't eat so badly yesterday that I should have gained weight. Granted, TOM is coming up, but ...

Of course my dinner was too big. I shouldn't have eaten all of it. We'll see what it looks like tomorrow for my official weigh in. I'll be sure to eat lighter tonight. I'll be moving more today. I think it'll all work out. As long as I'm down from last week, its progress in the right direction.

I am tired now that I'm done work. I'm still going to have to walk with the kids tonight. No homework since its Friday.

Otherwise, I'll just have a light dinner of baked beans, and keep up with the water.

Ugh - drink up

So this morning, my weight was 192.2, up 0.4 lbs from yesterday, but I know I'm dehydrated. That always puts my weight up. Today I focus on getting more water.

At 10:30, I'm only on my 2nd bottle, I need to get at it. Time is just flying because every other Thursday is a shipment day, so we verify what we got against the invoice then put it away. I'll get at least 5 bottles today, I got 16 oz before I left the house, and I'll get at least 32 more oz once I get home tonight, so plenty of water.

The rest of this post is going to be a dumping ground for what's on my mind.

Today is going to be a less long day than yesterday, so that's good. I hate doing store resets, but it was money and we need that. I'm really second guessing myself about the move. I was so miserable with my job, and I missed my family, but we can't afford for me to be not working... Every time I think I may have a job, it doesn't work out. I'm so discouraged and feeling useless. I have a part time job with my brother, but that's it. Yes, I do write, but only doing $40 every 2 weeks isn't enough to make up for the amount I was making.

I keep talking about doing copywriting, but I don't know where to start. I have a website I go to about starting a copywriting business, but I'm so overwhelmed when I go there. Plus I have absolutely no self confidence. I worry I don't write well enough. I worry I won't be able to sell myself. I feel incapable of doing what I need to do.

So instead I'm tempted to eat. I fought that feeling again this morning. I was combining boxes of 2 different types of frozen danishes at the warehouse. I was tempted to pull one out and nuke it. I didn't because I knew I didn't need it, but then saw a box of chocolate covered granola bars and another of Pop Tarts. Yea, there's a lot of temptation at my brother's warehouse. Some items are more tempting that others.

Stress over money is big. Plus, dealing with family - oh my. I love my family, but they're driving me crazy. They're such strong Republicans, and I'm an Independent - my mom hates Obama. From what I can tell, so does my brother. They both blame him for everything the government does, including the FCC not allowing AT&T to buy T-Mobile. For that, my brother said Obama was anti-jobs.

My stepdad listens to Rush, and because I said that I thought Rush was a pompous blowhard, he started in that I must be for big government. That one still hurts.

I do think its becoming clear to my mother that I don't take anything at face value, and that I look in more than one source for my news. I can say both parties are wrong and give clear examples of why I think that. I pointed out to her that though AT&T said they'd create jobs if they bought T-Mobile, we have no way of knowing how they're counting the jobs of those who already work for T-Mobile. I also think that it'd be bad to let them buy out T-Mobile because they keep AT&T's prices in check.

Have I mentioned that I hate politics? Having it discussed more frequently stresses me out when I'm talking with most of my family since their beliefs are so different than mine.

Sometimes I wonder how I managed growing up in the family I did... I'm so different than they are - so is my sister... I'm different than she is too...
I've been thinking about a lot of things today. I got an email this morning from an old friend - someone I went to college with and was very close to, or at least we were close back then... I don't know how much he's changed. I know I have.

On top of that, I found out one of my sisters in law lost her baby yesterday. I have mixed feelings about it because he molested me when I was younger. I know now he's big into church, but I don't know if he'd do it again... How do you know that? How do you know it wasn't just experimentation because he was ~14 and learning about sex? It doesn't excuse what he did, but ... I don't know if he's really saved and has turned his life around or what. So I simply expressed my sympathy when mom told me today.

And of course hearing from my friend from college brought back those memories as well. I'm not sure how well I've dealt with everything, and he was there to help when the repressed memories started coming to the surface. My ex-dh (in this case damn) was there for part of it too, but he felt I should just put it behind me and I should forget all of it. How do you forget all of that?

I'm just a mess this week, but I think part of it is simply that I'm tired. And I've forgotten what I'm capable of. Tonight, I read part 1 of my 12 step roadmap for copywriting. I spend time with my kids to make up for being gone from 6:30 am to 8:15 pm. I'll write if I have time, otherwise I get some extra sleep and relax until I'm recovered from yesterday.

I may or may not post, depending on how I feel. So far, I'm at 3 bottles of water. I'll drink more when I get back to the warehouse. Lunch was too much and nasty, but I'll go light on dinner to make up for it.

Lesson Learned

Today I learned that I can't expect to do a full day of merchandising/store resets on 2 slices of toast with 1 tbsp of peanut butter, a cup of coffee with 2 tbsp of Coffee Mate, with a lunch of a Lean Cuisine and an apple.  About 4 I just ran out of steam. 

Since my weigh in this morning was at 191.8 (yesterday's was 192), I bought something I knew would bring my blood sugar up quickly, but now I regret the 750 calories.  Of course, that was my dinner too since I didn't get home until 8:30.  Not healthy, but I guess it's done now.

I only ended up with around 90 oz of water, plus the 20 oz of coffee and 20 oz of Diet Pepsi, but I don't like counting caffeinated drinks as part of my fluids.

Tomorrow I'll do better.  If I have to, I'll grab a bowl of fruit that I bought for my daughter's snacks.  My brother doesn't keep much fruit around.  He does have Lean Cuisine meals, that's where I got the one I had for lunch today.  Of course, I worked harder today than I will tomorrow, so I guess it'll all work out.

Until then, I really need to get some sleep.  I worked 12 hours and I'm exhausted.  Laterness & g'nite.

Getting my Groove Back

Weigh in on Sunday, 194.6, I had gained 0.6 lbs on Saturday, but I think it was dehydration because I spent 4 hours at Typhoon Lagoon and never really managed to drink enough to make up for being in the sun so long.

This morning, back to 193.  I'm feeling more in control.  I ate a salad and chicken for lunch, 2 egg rolls and a yogurt for dinner (the egg rolls were 190 calories for 2, and full of cabbage).  Breakfast was oatmeal, and I've been focusing on my water again today.  I've had all of the food groups with my banana snack.

Movement was time in the pool with the kids.  Not formal, not walking, but I got out there and carried the 2 year old around the shallower part trying to work with him on his swimming.

New Month, Restart

So as is apparent from the weight bar at the top, I've gained 1 lb.  Overall not bad considering how things have been going since I moved down here.  My goal this week is to get back to 193.  I know what to do, and have a plan.  I've also got a ton of stuff going through my mind and am probably going to spend time whining here so I don't eat my stress, of which I have a ton.  I just don't want to weigh a ton.  Not anymore.