Monday, January 31, 2011
Dinner was on plan, snack was graham crackers with peanut butter.
And I'm starving. I'm sitting here with my stomach growling. This is the first time I've been really hungry in weeks. I have no plan on eating anything, but I'm just going to feel the hunger while I crochet and watch the rest of my TV show. Of course now there's a commercial for chocolate covered strawberries. Yum.
Justin needs to be up in a bit over half an hour, so I'm staying awake until then. I really should take some melatonin, but I forgot to buy any. I don't have anything to help me sleep unless I take an allergy medication like Benedryl. Oh well. I'll be fine, and will get myself a bit of melatonin tomorrow. I need to see if there's anything else on sale at Walgreens as well. I am good at couponing there, and that's always fun.
Until then, I'm trying to figure out where my interests lie. I'm doing some research on a few things for something that I'm considering for a new website. I think I'm actually going to just start using this laptop for my design projects instead of the desktop. I'll have to get a wireless mouse when I get a chance, it's harder to design with a touchpad. My plans are coming together, and they're going to work well. The weight loss... part of me wonders if I'm going to get kicked out of the challenge, but I keep reminding myself that I am following the plan, I'm losing close to 2 lbs a week. It may be my thyroid, it may be something else that has me losing less than expected, but I am rocking the plan. Laterness and g'night.
Guess I'm not having pb on graham crackers for a snack. I'm out of graham crackers at work. Oops.
Breakfast egg subs on light toast, clementine, milk
Snack 10 almonds
Lunch salad with chicken, yogurt
Snack sugar free chocolate pudding (one a day til they're gone then I'll reevaluate whether I'll get more)
Dinner no clue. Justin kept the kittie girl home because she still had a slight fever. I doubt dinner will be ready when I get home... Maybe chicken and mushrooms and broccoli and couscous. We'll see.
I'm exhausted today. Thinking I'm going to pick up some melatonin at the store tonight and see if that helps. In the meantime making myself some tea.
Feeling a bit better in time to go for my walk. That's a good thing.
Walk is done but I got dizzy the last few minutes of the faster walking. I just held onto the rails and will raise my concerns if my appointment isn't cancelled Wed. My supervisor had an appointment today but all of the PAs were out with the flu. I did increase my speed for the 20 minutes of faster walking. Touch of a headache now so I'm about to drink some 'tension tamer' tea maybe that'll help. Maybe not. Laterness.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tomorrow is already planned, though I'll have to cook some chicken real fast in the morning. As long as I'm up at 7, I'll have the time.
I'll be exercising at my lunch half hour again, it takes me about 35 minutes and I make it up by going in 10 minutes early. I'm tempted to use a vacation day on Tuesday since the weather is looking like it's going to get really bad. We'll see what happens.
I need to get some sleep, I'm developing a headache. I've been getting them fairly frequently in the last month, and I'm not sure why. It can't be dehydration since I focus on 128 oz of water on top of any other beverages (I go way over the 146 oz of fluids I'm supposed to be getting). It kinda sucks since I don't particularly like taking ibuprofen often because I know it tears my stomach up. I'm going to have to take something or I'll never get to sleep.
Got a few messages on Facebook from someone that I used to be neighbors with when I was still married to my Marine's father. Her husband has been in Korea since the beginning of the year with the Air Guard. He's supposed to be back in 2 weeks. I really want to find a way to visit Burlington (VT) so I can sit and talk to her a bit. It's been a long time since we've really talked. She was my primary emotional support when I left my ex (who was abusive). Though I did have some online support, I didn't have a whole lot because I tried not to say a lot on the game I played - back in '95. Our kids are the same age... well her youngest daughter and my oldest son. I'm really interested in seeing how her daughters are doing as well, as one of them was partially disabled. From what I understand, God has performed a miracle in her oldest daughter's life. A has come a lot further than any doctors said she would. She's a beautiful young lady now.
Off to get some sleep. Enjoying the quiet isn't enough reason to stay up much later. Laterness and g'night.
Lunch was fully on plan, chicken with a pita. Snack was pb on graham crackers. Afternoon snack will be string cheese. Actually, afk a sec, getting that now.
Back, bet you didn't even notice I was gone, huh?
I'm on my 3rd 32 oz mug of water, about half done, so that puts me at about 80 oz so far today. Bit lighter than where I normally am at 3:45, but I tend to drink water later in the day when I'm at home. Floor is mopped, and boy did it need it, even after just a week! I didn't get it done yesterday because I ended up cuddling the kids all day since they were sick. Today they're much better, but I still kept them home from church.
Justin's back at the laundromat for the 2nd time in 2 days, and I'm alone with the kids. Funny how that works. I'm going to finish the crochet project I've been working on for my Marine. Kinda been doing a lot of thinking about that situation. I think when he came home before Christmas, he just felt like he didn't have a place in our house since I put the younger kids in the room that used to be his. But there was no reason for them to be in our room with an empty bedroom. He didn't have any privacy, and he didn't have time alone with me.
So, since he doesn't know about this blog LOL I can tell the surprise I'm going to send. I've told him I have 4 pot holders made - he was happy with that, but I'm going to get a pot at Ross and buy the ingredients for his favorite meal. I'll be helping them a bit more with stuff for their kitchen, but that'll be the 'housewarming' present. I might either make him chocolate chip cookies as well, or send the ingredients in a jar for him to make those himself too. Just mix everything together, with margarine, eggs and vanilla and bake. Hmm I'll have to figure that one out. I've already told him how much I'll be spending for kitchen stuff for them, the equivalent of what I spent on the younger kids for Christmas since I didn't buy him any Christmas presents. I'm also thinking about finding a collage frame that'll accept either 5 or 7 pictures. I'll put in a pic of my Marine and his dad, a pic of him and myself, I'll email his girlfriend's mom for a pic of his girlfriend and her dad, and one of her and her mom, then either room for a pic of each of them alone, and one of them together, or just one of them together. I'll have to see what I can find for decent frames at Walmart. I may see what they have for frames, then email his girlfriend's mother to see if she thinks her daughter will like it. Yea, I'm spending a bit more on him, but I feel bad about what happened around Christmas, and I haven't been doing birthday or Christmas gifts the last couple of years, but I've been making it up to his younger sister and brother.
I'm off to change computers and see if I can manage to scan in a few pictures to post to Facebook. I found a couple from my wedding shower for my first marriage that I think my Marine would like. I can also tag a few of the friends that made it in the pictures. LOL 20 years goes fast.
For breakfast, I didn't really follow the plan. I had my egg substitute still, but then had a pancake with 1 tbsp sugar free syrup instead of the toast I've been having. The pancakes smelled better than they tasted, though I finished the one I put on my plate, I've got absolutely no interest in having more. Of course, I probably could have had more than 1 tbsp syrup, as the syrup is like 30 calories for 1/4 cup, I'm just not sure how much to trust myself with for anything like that. Even with sugar free syrup, I used to eat up to 6 pancakes with peanut butter and syrup. Ugh, the thought of it makes me feel sick now.
Skipped church today, as the kids were sick yesterday. I don't want to get the other kids at church sick, and didn't want to leave both with Justin since Sunday he gets less sleep because of the paper route. He has to do more with Sunday papers.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Food on plan today, though all of my meals were later than they normally are, and I ate my after dinner snack before dinner.
Otherwise, both of the kids are sick, one with diarrhea and one with a hoarse throat. Of course it's the one still in diapers that has the diarrhea.
Kinda freaking myself out, I watched a horror movie tonight, I wanted to see it yet didn't want to see it. Justin's sister is laughing at me because of how I'm acting.
Friday, January 28, 2011
(Editing to add the tuna pic instead of having 2 separate posts)
Overall it was a good meal and tho I didn't finish the veggies and didn't have a starch I'm stuffed. I'll have to figure something out forgot to eat my crackers with my salad too.
I always hate to ask Justin's grandparents to watch the kids as they're in their 80's. I doubt any of the rest of the family would be willing.
Good news for my brother. He gets to keep his house. It was in doubt for awhile. This means mom will work less and I can worry a bit less about her too. My sister really needs me down there for help with her little man as mom hasn't been able to help her and her partner works an odd schedule at the jail. I think she works 4 days of 12 hour shifts 3 days off then 3 on and 4 off
Breakfast egg subs on toast
Snack pb on graham crackers and raisins since I forgot my fruit this morning
Lunch salad w/chicken and yogurt
Snack sf pudding
I blew up at Justin this morning. Every month I have to tell him what bills to pay. He didn't pay the car insurance last month tho I could have sworn I told him to. I even remember double checking. So of course our insurance lapsed. GRR he is a grown man. He can figure out the bills as easily as I can. He's fixing the problem today but that's extra I hadn't planned on.
My plan this weekend is to get one of those sticky hooks and a huge calendar. I'll write the bills down as they come in and then there'll be no question on what's due when.
Walk is happening as I type and I'm not going to have any cake. That's why I splurged on the double chocolate sugar free pudding. The pre-made stuff is getting expensive!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I'm also going to be anti-social and go for a walk at my normal time. Let's see how it goes.
Otherwise, mushrooms and spinach cooked together, with cooked whole wheat spaghetti noodles added at the end. Meat was fish, snack was a 100 calorie sugar free ice cream bar.
I'm exhausted, so headed to bed. Laterness and g'night.
I think I'm fighting depression and don't know what to do about it. Every anti depressant I've been on hasn't worked. I've either ended up feeling like a zombie or I've ended up with suicidal thoughts. Of course that was one of the lowest times of my life anyway with having to leave the shelter because we had been there 30 days but not to where I could really make ends meet.
I will admit that I'm feeling better this afternoon. Things aren't bad in my life so no real reason for the dark outlook. I'm just lonely but not alone.
Weight loss will be small again this week. Guess my body just doesn't want to let go of the weight. I'm doing everything 'right.' Just need to deal with it. As long as I'm trying I'm moving forward. No eating off plan. Tomorrow I'm bringing salad for the pot luck. I'll have my own measured out and already separated. I might bring my evening snack to eat in the afternoon too just in case I want more.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Dinner was couscous with shrimp and cherry tomatoes
Snack a sugar free 100 calorie ice cream bar
Entertainment an hour of MUDding after catching up on the 2 Facebook games I still play.
Duckie boy is actually still asleep, so I need to take advantage of it while I can. He does make me laugh though. I was telling my sister today, duckie boy lays down on the Ab Roller that Justin got off Freecycle. Then he bends his leg and arches his back like he's trying to do sit ups. But if we look at him, he stops and acts all guilty. It's really cute. Cuter than him refusing to get off the potty until he pees. It's no big deal if he pees right away, but when he's there for 15 minutes, I start to wonder about him. Laterness and g'night.
Breakfast 1/4 c egg beaters and 2 slices low calorie wheat bread, banana & milk
Snack pb on graham cracker
Lunch chicken on a pita & yogurt
Dinner no clue
Cravings are gone but I'm getting discouraged again. I know I didn't get fat overnight, but I'd love to lose a bit faster. I know I should rejoin TKD because that included strength training and helped me gain muscle more as I lost weight last time.
it dawned on me as I headed to the treadmill... I've gone from an average of 140 g of carbs to 160+ in the last few days. That increase has coincided with my exhaustion. I was getting about 3g more fiber at the lower carb level. I need to figure out what I changed and see if I can figure out if that has something to do with how I'm feeling.
Walk is almost done for today I'm on the cooldown phase but I'm developing a headache now. Fun. Gonna post this and finish my walk since with my luck I'll fall while texting and walking. Laterness
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Dentist appointment went okay, other than running about 35 minutes late after I got there 10 minutes early.
Breakfast, egg substitute on toast, a banana and milk
Snack: pb on graham cracker
Lunch: yogurt, chicken in a pita
Snack: pb on graham cracker again
Dinner: chicken breast, whole wheat spaghetti and mixed veggies. I had to pick apart the chicken and veggies to measure everything, but mixed it back together with the spaghetti. It was good.
Last snack 100 calorie sugar free ice cream bar
Anyway, duckie boy just woke up crying, so gotta rock him back to sleep and I was hoping to go to bed soon. Laterness and g'night.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sometimes I wonder why I bother posting, but this is for me, not for anyone else. I can't let it bother me that hardly anyone reads. I am getting ready to upload a 'before' picture then will crochet until the show is to a point where I've seen it all (or until the show ends, whichever comes first). *edit ok added the pic and it's tiny :( I'm adding it to this thread, and will start a new page with my pictures this weekend.
Laterness and g'night.
Now that I've posted my plan I have to follow through. Willpower will be needed tonight.
Breakfast was a bit light this morning. I forgot I was so low on egg substitute. I had less than 1/4 cup.
Breakfast egg subs on light bread. A small banana and milk.
Chicken on a pita for lunch with yogurt
Snacks 10 almonds and pb on graham cracker.
Off to work early for some unknown reason. Justin asked if I was ready about 10 mins early. Laterness
Sunday, January 23, 2011
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. " ~ Maya Angelou
"Take the most difficult challenge you are now facing and turn it into the greatest opportunity to grow simply by changing how you see it. Dead ends then become turning points." ~ Bob PerksSince I don't like it, I'm going to change it. Just like I'm finally doing with my weight, now that I have the encouragement and direction I needed. The strength I needed was inside me, I just needed to have everything spelled out. The strength I need to change my job situation is inside me as well. I just need to follow through. The follow through is the hard part, but I know I can do it. It's just going to take determination and a whole lot of hard work.
Water, I'm finishing my last 16 oz now - a bit late today, but church threw off my 'normal' schedule.
Food, on track. I had all my snacks and meals as planned.
I made chicken for the week, already portioned. All I need to do is grab and go. I'm not sure if I'm going to need to get more yogurt, but that's not going to be a problem. Exercise... well I'm going to have to go in a bit early so I can increase my exercise to 30 minutes. They don't mind if I go over the 'normal' 30 minute lunch as long as I get in 40 hours for the week.
Just watched Julie & Julia for the ??th time. LOL maybe 5th? I like it, and always see something new when I watch it. But something caught my attention tonight. They pointed out that a blog is all about 'me, me, me.' That's true.
Tonight, Justin got chicken nuggets and fries for the kids for dinner. I'm so glad they didn't eat around me. He took them with him to the laundromat so I had a bit of quiet time where I could take a nap. It's sad, I know what these nuggets are made of... heck work makes some that are almost identical to what some of the fast food places sell. Mechanically separated chicken... which is nasty in itself. Add in the possibility of soy, which I don't eat much unless it's organic because I don't trust GMOs. They haven't been tested enough. We don't know the long term effects of the modifications. Plus, soy is better for you if it's fermented soy, otherwise the phytoestrogen can disrupt 'regular' estrogen in our systems. Granted, this is just my opinion, but the eastern cultures don't eat soy except in its fermented form. Tempeh, and soy sauce.
Anyway, watching the rest of Hancock, then headed to bed. I had wanted to see Hawaii 5-0 tonight, but the game seems to be running long. Laterness and g'night.
Short post right now, I need to make lunch. Laterness.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Started out returning 2 outfits that I got for the duckie boy and Justin's nephew for Justin's sister's wedding. The wedding was postponed from March to August, so the outfits weren't going to fit by then. Since I didn't have a receipt, I only got the discounted amount back. Better than nothing. Then I bought 2 pairs of pants, 2 outfits and a pj for the duckie boy. All on clearance. Total was around $30, but with my credit for the returns, I paid $15 for everything. Score :)
After that, I stopped at the bread store, then went grocery shopping at the grocery store. They may be more expensive for some things, but I can shop the sales and pay less for more food than I can at Walmart. Bought more chicken and some couscous for dinners. I have plenty of pitas for lunches. Overall, I have plenty of food if I can still follow the original eating plan that came out instead of having to change everything around. As I said, it dawned on me when I was checking out that I should have waited. Oh well.
On plan for the day, tuna sandwich for lunch, egg whites for breakfast. I missed my afternoon snack, but I'll live. Got the water/fluids in, so overall a 3 point (star) day. Peeked at the scale this morning and tomorrow will be good news, though it's not down as far as it could be if not for factors outside my control :P Laterness and g'night.
Friday, January 21, 2011
On plan the rest of the night, finished out my 128 oz of water by the time I left work at 6, not counting the 40 oz of other fluids throughout the day. Dinner was chicken with spinach, garlic and whole wheat spaghetti. Snack was a 100 calorie Blue Bunny sugar free ice cream bar. I'm not sure I'll buy more when they're gone, as I almost prefer to eat snacks with a bit fewer calories, ie peanut butter on graham crackers.
I thought it cool that the health department has put up all of this information on helping our kids get healthier. This information wasn't there the last time I was there for a WIC appointment about 5 months ago. They've changed a lot of their forms as well. They're asking more about the vitamins that the kids take and whether the vitamins have Vitamin D in them. They're talking more and more about healthy choices and fruits and vegetables. They're talking more and more about getting the kids off their butt and moving more. Hmm that sounds a lot like what we're learning here, eating healthy, move more. Even with healthy foods, we need to put down the fork sometimes. I want more to eat tonight, but I've had my calories for the day, so I'm headed to bed. It's 10 pm anyway. Laterness and g'night all.
Breakfast and snack same as yesterday substituting an oz of raisins for the orange because I didn't have time to peel the orange between going to work early and getting my daughter to school.
Lunch was scrambled eggs on bread because I didn't make any chicken last night. Walking on the treadmill right now tho the messaage won't be sent til after. Meeting at 1 so I had to go early.
Its starting to amaze what my coworkers are eating for lunch. Its probably always been this crappy but I haven't been paying attention. One girl made 2 packets of microwave mac & cheese saying one wasn't enough for an adult. Of course she's diabetic and using an insulin pump but the mac & cheese wasn't whole wheat. Sugar spike. In a bit her pump will start beeping because her blood sugar is too high. I've tried talking to her about taking care of her diabetes for her 6 yo but its too much trouble. She has 6 kids of her own plus her husbands kids. At least 4 at home including her 6 yo. Another one that makes me sad.
Okay its hard to type and walk now that I'm going faster. Laterz
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Dinner was whole wheat pasta and shrimp, tomatoes for the veggies
I musta been insane for the snack, it was a sugar free ice cream bar. I'm still fighting the binge monster, so I was trying to placate the beast. It worked for now at least.
Fed the kids 'real' food tonight. They got whole wheat spaghetti with sauce and ground turkey for the meat. They both ate most of what I gave them then asked for a yogurt. Though the littlest only ate half his yogurt, I'm proud of them. I gave them healthy sauce, healthy food for dinner (amounts smaller than I gave myself) and they ate real food tonight. Better than the way their dad gives them cereal or peanut butter toast for dinner. I need to find other meals they'll eat so I can start making just one meal for everyone with taking my food out separately to do what I need with it. They need to learn to eat healthy, though they will eat celery and cucumbers and fruit. Bananas, clementines and apples are popular at my house LOL. If I can help it, they'll remain active and eating healthy so they never have this problem. Of course, I'm fighting their dad's tendency to give them whatever they ask for.
I'm thinking tomorrow might be a tuna casserole with carrots & cheese in it. Healthy, and I can skip the cream of mushroom soup and have whole wheat macaroni with tuna and carrots. I always buy whole wheat stuff because of Justin's diabetes.
Breakfast egg white on toast & an orange
Snack pb on graham cracker
Lunch chicken breast in a pita
Snack 10 almonds
Dinner no clue. Justin has been throwing up so may want just bullion for himself. I may make spaghetti for the kids and keep out some cooked pasta for myself. Two meals - yay :P
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Unfortunately, my Criminal Minds was preempted by basketball. I honestly don't care for sports, so I'm disappointed but hiding it well by watching NCIS on USA. Going to bed soon because I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open.
Rescheduled my next filling appointment to next week. Thinking I'll take the whole day off officially. Tomorrow I have to email and find out if/when I'm going to get my yearly raise that's now 6 weeks late. Fun, they'll pay back pay but the bigger the back pay, the more taxes will come out :P Not the first time they've been late, but any other time I've at least been told what my raise would be and it just took several months to approve it because it sat on people's desks.
Interesting article on Yahoo! yesterday that has me thinking more about choosing a school to go back for a degree. I think it'll be hard, but it's something I need to do. My life is going to change for the better. I've got a new quote to put at the top of my blog. It's from a poem, the best I can find is the poem is by someone named Luke Easter. Someone I grew up with had this part set as her status update last night.
A strong woman knows she has strength enough for her journey,
but a woman of strength knows that it is in her journey where she will become strong.
Laterness all. Enjoy your night. I am planning on crashing as soon as this episode of NCIS is done; as long as it's not to be continued LOL.
Breakfast egg on toast
Snack pb on graham cracker
Lunch chicken on a pita
Snack 10 almonds
Dinner is up in the air tho chicken and veggies will be involved. After dinner will be story time then bedtime. Then I get to play games :D
Exercise is done for the day. Water is at 80 oz. Everything is on track for another solid 1200 calorie day. I'm a touch worried about Sunday's weigh in but it's out of my hands since I've been eating what I should (and feeling really good).
Having issues with MMS, so it's hard to post today. I'll be back tonight with a recap.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Breakfast was an egg white on toast, an orange and milk
Snack pb on graham cracker
Lunch and afternoon snack (eaten together because of the dentist appointment) pb sandwich with no jelly (we were out of sugar free stuff and the full sugar version would have set me off in binge land), yogurt and a cheese stick.
I'm at 96 oz for fluids and am extremely thirsty since I haven't had anything to drink in over 2 hours because of the dentist appt. I'm going to have to push the water some to be done by 6.
I'm tired and in a bit of pain. They came close to the nerve and the lidocaine is wearing off. Since its so late I'm just going home. I can make up my hours later. I'd have to work until after 6:30 to get in my 8 hours today. Only problem is I have another appointment Thursday. This next one is just a minor filling.
Dinner is up in the air but it'll be on plan. I'm gonna catch up on OOT and check out FB while waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in. Laterness all...
Monday, January 17, 2011
The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody's gonna go to school today,
She's going to make them stay at home.
And daddy doesn't understand it,
He always said she was as good as gold.
And he can see no reason
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.
So I'm a Boomtown Rats fan, at least when listening to this song. I don't think I downloaded many others on my MP3 player, but I really enjoyed that song today. I sometimes wonder how much the camera picks up in the exercise area, cuz they would have seen me jamming to my music as I was walking. LOL I didn't sing though, people walk through there.
I ended up skipping my afternoon snack, I was just too full after drinking all of my water. The water is much easier, I was done my gallon of water by 4, that's not counting the tea I had around 4:30 because I was still kinda thirsty and wanted something other than water.
Dinner was whole wheat spaghetti, shrimp, and mushrooms, then I had a half a tomato sliced up with salt.
Lunch was a scrambled egg sandwich and yogurt
I'm getting ready to have a 100 calorie ice cream bar for evening snack.
I know I was a bit light on fluids yesterday. With visiting at the grandparents house, I didn't get everything in.
At work, I felt guilty that I didn't get as much done last week as I had planned. No one said a word and I realized they understood that I had a full plate just covering everyone else's stuff while they were gone. Even the system updates and customer service requests took a lot of time. I always do my best, just sometimes my best isn't as good as it could be because of other circumstances. Like the holidays and one of our internal 'customers' griping about me not getting something done. He sent me 4 projects that took approximately 6 hours each and I was supposed to do other work in between. Yea, November doesn't give me enough time to do it with all of the meetings and such that we had. He can gripe all he wants. Honestly, he's lucky he works with me instead of one of the other girls who would take longer at doing these projects if she ever got to it at all. Guess he'll figure it out when I move to FL. He's never happy anyway, that's just who he is and my manager knows this.
It dawned on me after reading another friend's blog, she was talking about just feeling 'blank.' That describes me too since Friday. I feel blank. I don't know what to write about, I don't even like some of what I wrote previously on here. My life isn't all that bad, though I'll admit I did exaggerate by saying that my husband can't keep his hands off me... most of the time he can, but I still know he loves me.
I just feel invisible lately. Honestly, other than a few internal emails, sometimes I feel like no one even notices I'm around. It's not necessarily a bad thing, and I do somewhat reinforce the idea by wearing my headphones to drown out the extraneous noise and the woman who cannot seem to get the concept of an inside voice. She's been written up for talking too loud, but still does it. But sometimes I feel like I need to gripe and focus on the bad to make my voice heard. Now that I've been listening to uplifting music and keeping my resolution of focusing on the good at work, it's hard. When I stop focusing on the bad, I feel like I have nothing to say.
Looking back on the last year, last year was awful financially, but I still tried to give where I could. I bought Easter candy for the church, school supplies for their back to school drive, and a few other things... this year, we're so much better off, but I still focus on the things that I can't yet change, as if something has magically made these things unacceptable. We no longer have 5 people in a 2 bedroom apartment. My sister in law has turned around - I mean a total 180 from where she was a year ago, when we were constantly fighting with her because she was a drunk and a drug addict among other things. Our car is paid off and we've made a dent in what we owe according to our credit reports. Yea, we still have shitty credit, but that's another thing that takes a long time to fix. Even if we won $1mil and paid off everything we owed anyone, we'd have shitty credit. We're much closer to moving to FL than we were a year ago, since we have money in the bank in savings.
So why complain about the few material things that I'm unhappy with? It's honestly not all that bad.
I think we need to go down to the city this weekend (OKC) just for a change of scene. I suspect that part of my problem is being stuck in a town where there is nothing to do. I need to find a kids museum and go have fun. Or go to the skating rink, tho I have to rent skates because my rollerblades have a little nut that sticks out and I can't take them to the rink. Maybe we should do some bowling. We need to do something other than sit in this house for another weekend.
On the other hand, right now it's bed time. I kept stepping away from this window to do other things. In the time I've been writing it, I've gotten my snack, watched the new SyFy show 'Being Human' several times and logged into Facebook.
Snack pb on graham crackers (both snacks)
Lunch - scrambled eggs and toast - forgot to make a trip to the store for pitas or cook any chicken
Not sure about dinner. Maybe a repeat of yesterday with the shrimp and pasta. A walk is in store at lunch. Friday will be trickier with a meeting at 1 and I normally walk from 12:30 to 1. I have to go earlier
Sunday, January 16, 2011
'Fat acceptance.' I have some major issues with this phrase. I have some major issues with this whole thing. Fat acceptance is looking at things in a very twisted way. You can be obese or even morbidly obese with great numbers according to most indicators of health. I'll give you the perfect example. My blood pressure stays around 110/60 most of the time. My cholesterol at my last check up in October was 147. I've been giving blood for years, and the highest my cholesterol ever reached was 175, borderline but not awful.
Does this mean I'm healthy? My waist measurements are too high according to the chart at the doctor's office. I can't keep up with my kids, I couldn't keep up with my Marine when he was at home. I was unhappy and unhealthy. I was miserable and hid it by eating crap foods. It's not how I grew up. I grew up on a farm with fresh beef, fresh chicken, fresh milk, fresh veggies... I was skinny until I hit puberty. Before I got pregnant with my Marine, I was only about 20 or 25 lbs overweight. I was fat, but not obese.
Fat acceptance is looking at all of the above and say they're not that big a deal. WRONG!
To me, 'fat acceptance' is the same as saying you don't care about anyone around you. The number of younger and younger people suffering from obesity related problems should be an indication. Even if your numbers are fine like mine were, there is another factor to consider. The number of people who have to get knee replacements is increasing. Our joints were not meant to carry this much weight. For 18 months, we had two home delivery paper routes. I can't tell you how many people had to have their paper delivered to their porches because they had had knee replacements and couldn't walk far enough to get the paper at the end of their driveway. Not to mention the number of younger and younger people with high cholesterol (I've heard of teenagers having this problem now), or heart attacks in 20 year olds. All scary stuff.
My husband's aunt confided to me that she gets so frustrated with his uncle. His uncle has COPD and still smokes. He's had cancer because of the smoking, yet he won't quit. We spoke about Justin's mother, she died at 44 from complications due to her diabetes. Justin and his sister both tell me that she'd give herself a shot of insulin then go to Braum's for ice cream or Denny's for the smothered hash browns. She didn't take care of her diabetes, she just took her medication.
Justin's normal blood sugar used to be between 250 and 300. Normal is under 120. There were a couple of times his blood sugar wouldn't even register on his glucometer, so it was even higher than 300. Yet he treated it all as a joke, or felt he was taking care of it by taking his medication even if his blood sugar was still too high. When he's not taking care of his diabetes, I still feel as if it's because he doesn't care enough about the kids and myself. I know that's not really it, but it's hard not to feel abandoned when he's not caring for his health.
So what does my obesity say? Fat acceptance is a great phrase, but to me it means that I should dress so I feel pretty, but I need to do everything in my power to ensure that I will be around for my kids. To be sure that I'll be around to see grandkids. I will admit, until I read Allan's blog, really read it, I wasn't doing what I should. I'd decide that I wanted a chocolate bar, so bought it, justifying it by saying that it was only once in awhile. But it wasn't once in awhile, it was frequently. I had the help of a corporate dietitian. She suggested I exercise more and drop to 1600 calories from the 1800 she started me at. I wasn't willing to do that even. I couldn't find the time to join Tae Kwon Do again or do a 20 minute exercise video. I simply wasn't willing to do anything to help my health except for a half-hearted attempt to lose weight.
My kids will never meet my dad in this life. He had a stroke at 55 and became disabled and unable to work. I remember, it was 1978 or 1979, just before he and Mom got divorced. He died in 2003 at 80. I remember how he ate after the divorce. He'd get his disability check once a month, and for the first few days or so he'd eat really expensive foods. By the end of the month, he'd eat half a can of Spaghetti-O's at each meal. On the other hand, he always had Fig Newton's in the house. As long as it wasn't obviously high sodium he'd eat it. He didn't see the link between what he ate and his health other than the sodium. We didn't as much in the 80's, it just wasn't broadcast as much. All we heard was that Saccharine was bad for us, or margarine was better for us than butter.
I have no excuse. Justin's aunt and uncle in Kansas City don't have any excuse. He used to be in the Army. He knows how to keep physically fit. Instead, he doesn't control his eating, and both of them keep getting bigger. It makes me desperately sad. He breaks down and cries because he had so many plans on what he wanted to do when both of them retired. But he still doesn't control his eating. She has dabbled in Weight Watchers. She said she's on 1500 calories a day, but I seriously doubt it. Justin's sister said that they don't buy fresh produce. Justin's sister told me that their uncle may cry that he's heavy and not able to do what he wanted to do, but his attitude toward his diet is that no one else cares, so why should he. He's so wrong, but how do you bring up someone's weight when you're scared for their life?
On to the happier stuff. I did very well at lunch, I'm so proud of myself. I got 1 rotisserie chicken breast and took off the skin. I got about a cup of spinach, and added shredded carrots, celery and about 1/2 of a small tomato. I was getting a little worried about the dressing, then saw the oil and vinegar cruets sitting at the end of the salad bar near the spinach. I drank 3 cups of diet Pepsi and a cup of water.
I didn't touch the rolls. One of my favorite foods there. Justin was sitting next to me and came back with a plate of desserts, and I didn't touch those. His aunt and uncle brought a birthday cake for Justin's grandfather, the buttercream icing smelled so good, but I didn't touch it. His aunt kept asking me if I was sure I didn't want any and I finally said that I had lost almost 10 lbs and wanted to keep losing. At that point, she said it was a better way to lose 10 lbs than the heart operation she had this fall, and that was the end of anyone offering me anything I shouldn't eat. It was hard, but I did what I was supposed to do. I will admit I came home and ate a yogurt and then my afternoon snack in the form of a 100 calorie ice cream bar.
Dinner was whole wheat pasta, shrimp and mushrooms. I'm not sure if mushrooms are considered vegetables since they're really fungi but for today I'm counting it as a veggie. Snack was pb on a graham cracker.
I'm full and happy. My weigh in was actually 233.8, though I told Allan 234. It'll be nice to get into the next lower decade in weight. At some point - hopefully soon - my old jeans should start fitting me so I don't have to wear the same 3 pairs of jeans throughout the week. I've got clothes for as far down at 190 lbs in storage. I'm not sure what I have other than that. I may even have some size 14's (the next size after that) but they'll be 20 years out of style mostly, with the exception of the jeans I bought in France which are low-rise.
With my family, we may not be invited to birthday parties other than the immediate family (i.e. I know we're all invited to my nephew's party if we can get down there, a cousin maybe not so much), but everyone gets together for the holidays. If I were in Vermont around any of the holidays, I'd be expected to show up at my aunt's house unless I had other plans. My immediate family was distinctly unhappy that I wasn't down there... again I'm expected there unless I have other plans. No sitting at home just the 4 of us trying not to make too much for the holiday because the kids don't eat much and I don't want leftovers for a week, or eating just 'normal' food. This year it was steak, potatoes and veggies. Not to mention my family all gets together for random occasions, 4th of July or my sister's birthday since she shares a birthday with my oldest nephew... Plus shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Ok, so I'll admit it's been 15 years since I did much of that, but I do enjoy being out in the crowds. At least as long as I'm not expected to be there at unGodly hours like 5 am LOL
Don't get me wrong, I do love Justin's family but we get little to no support from them and few get togethers or socialization time. Heck, if I were near my family in VT or FL, we'd have an occasional game night just because.
If you can't tell, I'm a touch homesick. My stepdad turned 70 this year, my youngest has never met him and my daughter hasn't seen him since 2006 and doesn't really know who he is. Mom, she turns 70 in 2014, I'd like for my kids to meet them and spend time with them before then. I know my nephew (who turns 1 year in March) smiles every time he sees Mom, and it makes me sad that my kids will plaster themselves against Justin or myself when they see my family for the first time. Hopefully it won't take long for them to get over it.
My plan (to make the move more real) is to live with my parents while looking for a place for the 4 of us. The kids and I will go once I get our tax return this year. Justin will keep up with the newspaper route until I find a place. My parents will have a 3 bedroom house by then. They're raising the son of a former foster child (long story, they're no longer foster parents) and there will only be 1 extra room. Not really enough room for the 4 of us, but we can manage 3 a bit easier. We have to, Justin can't watch either of the kids and do the paper route.
This is just the weekend to test my resolve. Breakfast for me was oatmeal with a touch of peanut butter in it. Snack will be graham crackers with more peanut butter.
Lunch is as stated. The salad with chicken and dressing. It'll be hard, I could take or leave the rest of the buffet, but I tend to go crazy with the sweets. Yea, I'm obese for a reason.
Breakfast for everyone else was pancakes and syrup. That was hard to give up as well... I love pancakes with peanut butter and syrup. But for me, not even a bite. I can't control myself, so I'm not going to even tempt myself.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Unfortunately, I will cause problems if I try to eat before I go, so I just need to look at the menu.
Since they'll be in town around 10 or so tomorrow, I may not get a chance to post in the morning. I'll be sure to email the
Breakfast: oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins (I forgot to buy any more egg white substitute)
Snack: pb on graham cracker
Lunch plan is salad with chicken. I just need to watch the portions for everything
Breakfast was the same as I've been eating, liquid egg whites on a piece of toast and clementines
Snack was pb on graham crackers
Lunch will be eggs on toast, I've been wanting real eggs for awhile and I'm home to cook them today LOL
afternoon snack, probably a cheese stick
Dinner may be salmon again, that was really good last night, but I'm out of mushrooms, so I need to figure out what to have with it.
Evening snack, a 100 calorie ice cream bar (made with Splenda of course) - I just need to be sure I eat everything before 8, it messes up my weigh in if I don't.
I'm on my 2nd 32 oz cup of water, coffee is done. I've done 1 set of all the strength exercises, will do more after Justin gets home since duckie boy wants to cuddle. Laterness all...
Friday, January 14, 2011
I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a number I haven't seen since I got pregnant with the 5 year old, so I'm motivated to keep this up. It's not easy, I'd rather be having a Jamocha shake. I'd rather be eating a French dip and Swiss sandwich. Instead, I eat what I'm supposed to. The ice cream will be my evening snack.
Salmon is done and eaten, off to Wallyworld for a snack. I need to kick Justin off the other computer long enough to print out a coupon. Laterness and all that jazz.
I have absolutely no urge to blog today. Considering how few people read, it's all good anyway since I write more for myself. LOL Since my blog isn't included in the blogroll on the newest version of Allan's blog, I'm expecting my number of visitors to go down as well ;) As long as I'm still on the list of challengers, it doesn't matter a bit.
I think I've just been focusing on the bad so much in my life that I'm letting myself get discouraged. Discouragement is not fun. I don't understand it for two reasons. I've never used to be a negative person, just shy, and things are going so much better for me than they have in a very long time. Like since before my Marine and I were in the shelter, and though he's no longer at home, I do have 2 kids at home and a husband who loves me very much (and sometimes can't keep his hands off me, but that's another matter entirely LOL). Yes, the duckie boy sometimes gets cranky and wants daddy, but when I come home, he runs to me and gives me a hug. My kitty girl didn't want to let me out of her sight last night. She was with a friend from school, and when the friend wanted them to go a different way than I was, my girl was almost in tears worried she wouldn't be able to find me again. I kept going by and blowing her kisses and she was happy.
This weekend I'm going to be looking at several places to go back to school. University of Phoenix would be easiest since they start classes every 6 weeks, but they're expensive compared to others. My degree will be in computer programming and graphic design. Though I will continue to write, I am going to keep the writing to a sideline unless I manage to get my writing income to where my design/programming income would be. One of the stupidest things I did was to drop out of school, but I had just left an abusive husband and had a bit of a breakdown....
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I'm going to be sore tomorrow but I don't regret it one bit. She's enjoyed having me with her.
I've decided I'm fed up on focusing on the bad choices I've made in the last 6 years. It's not like I can go back and change them, any more than I can go back and change the decision I made 16 years ago to drop out of school the second time I went for my degree. It's time to move on. It's not doing me any good to focus on this aspect of my life, and it brings me down. I don't understand my fascination with tearing my life apart like that anyway.
My goal for today is to have fun with my daughter tonight. I'll have Justin make me a grilled chicken and have a sandwich and some steamed broccoli before I go. That's fast and easy.
This weekend, my goal is to figure out what I need to do to get a job in the field I want to be in. This may mean going back to school or focusing on learning copywriting to get a job in that. Is it bad I'm not sure if I want to write for a living or program/design for a living?
Breakfast, same as yesterday
morning snack, pb on graham crackers
lunch, salad, yogurt
afternoon snack, cheese stick
Basically all the same as yesterday until dinner. I'm hoping I don't end up as tired tonight. My husband made dinner last night, but I had to pick everything apart to weigh it, and as tired as I was, I started crying. I didn't let him see because he was already in a cranky mood because he's quitting smoking and didn't get a nap. Dinner wasn't ready until after 7, and at that point I was so hungry and tired that I just lost it. I'm over it now, and staying on track for another day.
I'm thinking about going roller skating with my daughter tonight. Her elementary school is having a skate party at the local skating rink. I had my husband get my roller blades out of storage. She has her own, so all we have to pay is admission. It just sounds fun even with all the kids around.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Breakfast, egg, bread (not the thin roll this time), clementines, milk
Snack, graham cracker with peanut butter
Only at 48 oz of water so far this morning, I'm going to have to push it the rest of the day. I'll make up for it, I'm sure now that the other person is here as well.
I'm going to walk on the treadmill as soon as I'm done eating my salad, which I'm just starting.
I'm still sore from the push ups yesterday. The lunges, I guess I got used to them, my legs don't hurt as much.
*edit: walk done, I gave myself the giggles during the warm-up. For some reason I can't seem to coordinate my arms and legs when walking on a treadmill. I wasn't losing my balance, but instead of doing left leg, right arm, I'd do left leg, left arm. I found it obscenely funny. Good thing no one was down there. LOL
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Snack was pb on graham crackers
*edit I cut a lot of other stuff out because I'm done focusing on the negative.
Gonna need lots of coffee tomorrow since I need to go to work an hour early. Fun times.
They've asked me to come in early the rest of this week. It'll make things difficult in the mornings but I'll just have everything ready to go tonight.
I'm getting sick of hearing about the trip everyone else is going on. It may get snowed out anyway. They need to just make sure everything is done so I don't do anyone else's work while they're gone.
Had a nice talk with an old friend this morning. Found out he likes Piers Anthony. Didn't expect that. I love the puns in the Xanth series.
I just realized that hubby (Justin) and I live a very boring life. We work and go home. In his case deliver papers and stay home during the day. Shopping is about the biggest excitement in my week and I couldn't do that this weekend because we were waiting for a check. The last time I went anywhere was to bring my Marine to the airport.
A year ago I swore I wasn't going to be in the same job this year but nothing has changed. I think losing weight will prove to me that I can do what I set my mind to do.
Breakfast: egg on toast, milk and I've asked Justin to bring me some raisins at work. I'm just in the mood for them LOL
Snack: (morning and afternoon) apple with peanut butter (my raisins from breakfast may end up on the morning part of my snack)
Lunch, chicken in a pita
and water, water everywhere. I'm regularly drinking 128 oz of water at least. That with my 20 oz of tea every morning puts me over 146 oz even if I don't drink any tea during the day.
Time for work.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Dinner was whole wheat spaghetti, mushrooms, spinach and chicken
Snack will probably be pb on graham crackers again cuz I don't have a lot of other choices in the house
It dawned on me that I forgot to post the Phase 4 badge. That's fixed.
Otherwise, just a sleepy evening. The boy doesn't want anything to do with me tonight. Some nights he's daddy's boy, others he's mine. It'll be okay. Trying to work on the writing stuff I'm supposed to be doing. I don't say a lot, but I'm not doing what I want to be doing with my life. I'm going to be 40 this year, and I only work for the income. I dread going in every Monday.
I look at my 10 years of IT experience and realize that the only way back into it at this point is to go to school.
Having a cup of Earl Grey tea with sun crystals (stevia sweetener) to get through the toughest part of the day.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I'm cramping today like its TOM but its only been 2 weeks so it can't be. Makes it hard to focus on work.
Breakfast, egg whites on a toasted thin bun, clementine and milk
Lunch: salad with 6 oz of chicken, light Italian, wheat thins and a yogurt
snacks: cheese stick and pb graham crackers
Unless it warms up, there's no walking outside today. I use a walking trail and it won't be cleared off. You don't want to walk on the streets around here... too many have been hit by cars. The drivers are simply unobservant. We've even had people on bikes hit and killed. There are no sidewalks except downtown, this is an oil town. The treadmill will work just fine.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I did decide that I'm going to follow the exercises exactly instead of pushing myself to do intervals. When I did 'normal' walking (pushing myself but not jogging like I do at least 45 seconds of the intervals) my weight dropped faster - I noticed the first week when I was weighing myself every day. I'll be walking either at lunch or after work. I'm going to bring the paperwork for the strength training and do that at lunch as well, at least as much as possible. I'm going to have to spread them out throughout the day if last week's exercises are any indication. I was sore afterward.
We're supposed to be getting a snowstorm tonight, though it has started snowing it's certainly not sticking around.
Work will be quiet this week. Everyone is leaving on Wednesday to go to Cincinnati. Since I don't have a sitter when Justin does the paper route, I'm staying home. There will be maybe 4 others that aren't going. I know of at least 3.
The talk with the director of the department was interesting to say the least. The department manager job will be posted in the next couple of weeks, and my manager will need to apply, as well as her counterpart in one of the other companies that was involved in the merger. They're still trying to sort out what will be done about the 2 supervisors once the manager position is filled. The director said that she has no plans to make any changes to our jobs. Her feeling is that if it's not broken, don't fix it. I have mixed feelings about what she said, but it's all good. Since my 6 month plan is to move to Orlando to be near my family, I won't be getting unemployment. I'll have to focus more on having a secondary income from my writing. It's all good though, I have a couple of places that I've applied. Plus, I'm applying at some places in FL.
I will be so glad when 8 pm comes so I can send Kitty Girl to bed, as she's now throwing a fit because we have the water running in the bathroom to keep the pipes from freezing. She's refusing to go to the bathroom because of it. She doesn't adapt well to change, and I'm worried about her reaction to the move. It'd be worse if her cousin was still living here in town instead of moving to Kansas City to be with my sister in law.
*edit: snack changed to pb on a graham cracker.
Breakfast: egg whites on toast with an orange and milk
Snack: cheese stick
Lunch: leftover chicken stir fry
Afternoon snack: pb on graham crackers (my new favorite snack lol)
Dinner: fish (probably salmon), spinach, whole wheat pasta
Evening snack: I saw nuts in the cupboard, but not sure what kind, probably pb with graham crackers or wheat thins.
Lunches this week will alternate between a salad with grilled chicken and a pita with chicken. Breakfast will be a repeat of this morning. Dinners will be up in the air, though I'm tempted to do whole wheat spaghetti with chicken and tomato and/or spinach. I need to figure out if a bit of olive oil in it would be on the plan.
I need to do more grocery shopping after we get a check tomorrow so at this point my options are limited. I have plenty of chicken breast, but we're going through it fast.
So at church, they're doing a 'corporate fast' which means they're encouraging everyone to fast or refrain from something from Jan 10 to Jan 21. Some are giving up meat, some are giving up soda/fast food. Last year, I did a Daniel Fast. Simple enough, it's just eating vegan, as in no meat products including milk/eggs, no bread, no caffeine. Just whole grains and fruits/vegetables. However, since I'm doing this diet this year, I'm not doing the Daniel Fast. I feel like the fasting is why things turned around for us financially last year. I'm considering giving up something else this year. I guess we'll see.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Chicken stir fry for lunch, and I gave her the same amount as I gave myself. She said it was so good she wanted seconds. Dinner tonight, she did the same. Granted, it's all healthy foods, so she's at least eating better than she has been since I know the family member she's been staying with doesn't eat healthy at all. All carbs and fried foods.
Everything on plan today, tomorrow I'll cook my chicken for the week. I just need to figure out what to do with it since I'm almost out of pita breads. No money to buy more until after Monday. Plenty of foods for more stir frys though, so I may just make up a week's worth of stir fry and have that for my lunches.
I'm worried about tomorrow's weigh in though I've been following the plan. The strength exercises made me sore the next day. I did do intervals instead of walking. I drank the water, boy did I drink the water. Guess we'll see what happens.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I'm starting to feel a bit nauseous - so drinking my tea and taking it easy. Still at work so not much else to do. Maybe chamomile tea this afternoon.
Dinner is going to be salad with frilled chicken and raspberry walnut vinaigrette (lite of course). Saved the cheese stick for afternoon snack. Morning snack was graham cracker with natural peanut butter.
I thought about the weight loss 'issue' this morning. I'm going to give it 2 weeks and see what happens. Then if I haven't lost anything I'll print out my food log for those 2 weeks and make an appointment with the corporate dietitian and/or the clinic where they will do my blood work. I had it done in Oct and my TSH was normal but something else may be off or they may want to reevaluate anyway.
Until then I'm still following the plan but I'm logging my food into SparkPeople. I have been doing it so far this week and I will continue for awhile until I know whether my body is going to behave. As long as I can stay in the challenge even if I gain... I am not eating what I shouldn't.
We have a meeting at 11 in the training room. The whole thing is going to be a minefield. The IT director keeps it stocked with soda (including diet) and miniature candy bars. Its the candy that's going to be hard to resist. My plan is to bring my sugar free gum and water. I'll allow myself a Coke Zero. That's it. No candy, tho I'm sure I'll hear the peanut butter cups calling my name.
The scale is up 0.2 lbs.
It's not a lot, but how the hell have I GAINED weight doing what I'm supposed to be doing? It hasn't been easy. I've had to grit my teeth sometimes. I've had to work out smelling pizza that I really liked 2 weeks ago when they ordered it. And my weight is up.
It's just going to be one of those days...
Breakfast, oatmeal. Snack, cheese stick. Lunch, who knows what. I need to look at the plan and see what I have.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The meeting went well... they don't expect to know anything definite about the jobs for 6 months, but the department head said there will be jobs for everyone, and she thinks everything is going to stay the same for us. At least that's what she'd prefer. The manager's job will be posted in the next 2 weeks and at that point my manager will be one of the ones applying/interviewing for the job.
Ate at my desk, then changed to workout on the treadmill since I am dressed up again today. 21 minutes of intervals - go me.
My meeting is the last thing before I leave for the day. I'm the last one to go, though I'm not the one who is here latest. Someone doesn't come in until 12 because they go to Votech.
Justin is taking my lead and walked at the mall for an hour yesterday. He went to a specialist and was told that he needs to lose 2 lbs in the next month.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Lunch was yum (grilled chicken on a pita) and a meeting is in store for 1 pm. More of the better together stuff with a warning that some will lose their jobs.
Breakfast, on plan.
Lunch, I'm still trying to sort out what to eat since I was busy with paperwork until 9, then had to rock the Duckie Boy (at some point he'll go to sleep on his own, I'm just glad he's finally sleeping the night in his own bed). By the time I was done, it was late.
Making my tea now, and working on more paperwork. I have until tomorrow night. I'll probably get most of it done today and tonight. Fun.
Actually dressed up for work, which feels weird.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Lunch went as planned. I ate at my desk, then went down to use the treadmill. They had pizza in the big room where the exercise equipment is. The company I work for underwent a merger in October, and they've been having a lot of meetings to work through the details on who does what now.
When I got downstairs, everyone was telling me that there wasn't any pizza left. When I said I was just down there to use the treadmill, someone said 'oh, you're being good.' I was feeling self-conscious when I stepped on the treadmill, but I spent 21 minutes doing intervals anyway.
I've been feeling so good since I started watching what I eat the day after Christmas. Yes, I have my bad moments, but I have had energy to get through my day. Even when I want to go back to bed because I'm tired and stressed, I've had energy.
Water is already at 128 oz. I pushed the water this morning, now I'm way over where I meant to be at this time of day. Oops. LOL.
The meeting with the head of the new department is tomorrow. I've already been dreaming about it, that myself and one other person got laid off because we can't go to Cincinnati next week, and because we don't come in until later. He's in school and I started coming in at 9 because they wanted me here til 5:30, and I was sick of 1 hour lunches. Now I am wanting to start coming in earlier so I can take longer lunches to exercise. Hmm...
I figured out lunch. I'll bring a pita to work and order a grilled chicken sandwich and yogurt from the cafeteria. I know the grilled chicken they use is one that we make (I work for a company that makes meat products) I'll double check, but I think all they do is stick it in the microwave. I'll have to cut off an oz, and ditch the bun they'll send it with.
I need to get my tea and get going. Laterz.
Monday, January 3, 2011
However, other than being thin skinned this morning - what my supervisor meant was that I couldn't choose not to follow through on what I should have done. There was nothing in her email asking if I had forgotten with everything else going on. I told a coworker what I forgot, and what was said, and she rolled her eyes, so it wasn't just me.
I have to say, now that I'm sure I understand what I'm supposed to be doing with the food, this plan is a lot like what the nutritionist at work had me doing. Except it's a bit more intense (1200 calories rather than 1600) and a bit more structured. I need the accountability, so if I slip I'm going to hear about it (right Pam???) I need to be accountable. Tough love works on me, I promise. I am working toward being accountable to myself too. The thought of being at 192 before my 40th birthday is energizing. I haven't been 190 lbs since 1994, just before I left my now ex-husband.
I finished today going from the plan that was sent out, the baked fish was yummy, and so was the spinach. I still have the snack planned for later, and all is good in my world... now my house is another story. LOL Kitty Girl is trying to be a bit too much help, and Justin is getting frustrated. He was never a paperwork person and this new paper route has a lot of it.
I did well at refraining from the emotional eating today considering I started stressing about dropping the other paper route and how our spending has increased because we had more money coming in. We're going to have to cut back on the spending again. We need to be more vigilant about where our money is going. It's a bit scary to me because I'm such a control freak. I think we'll be okay after we get through the first 2 weeks of being without this route. I'll have to re-calculate everything once we get paid for the route we just dropped.
Time to go rock the Duckie Boy. I was looking at my other blog and found the following that the dear friend who died of cancer used to say:
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the small, quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” -UnknownEnjoy your night and hug your loved ones. Life is too short. I'm working at making my life longer, but there are still no guarantees.
My supervisor had me near tears tho she doesn't know it. I said something needed to be done in the system and she came back with 'follow through is not an option.'. Well, excuse me aren't I allowed to make mistakes or forget something from a month ago? We can't all be perfect like her. Grr. Got the diet soda after I stopped feeling like crying. I don't want to use soda like I used to use food.
I'm stuffed, 16 oz of water, plus the omelet makes me almost uncomfortably full. I'm switching it up and having green tea instead of coffee today.
Just a short note this morning, I've got a ton of paperwork to do for one of the paper routes.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Final stats for today:
I added more bread/whole grains in today because I've been aiming for 1000 calories and at least 15 g of fiber this week. I still need to finish looking at all of the information that Allan sent for phase 4 so I can be sure I'm following what he sent. Dinner was shrimp on a bed of lettuce with a measured 2 tbsp of Lite Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette... I decided right after I started to eat, that it'd taste wonderful in a whole wheat pita pocket. It did, and that brought my dinner to a bit over 300 calories. Of course, there was a big puddle of the dressing on my plate, but I counted the whole 2 tbsp in my daily totals anyway.
I feel like I've done nothing but eat this afternoon with lunch then a snack of baby carrots and 2 clementines, dinner then a small apple. About the only thing I didn't really eat enough of was grains... I need to ask about that to be sure that I'm not confused.
I got the giggles this morning, my scale tracks the net change for my weight. So it said my last weight was 45 lbs and I gained 193 lbs. Uhh some little girl was playing with it I think. She tried to blame her brother but he's not 45 lbs.
Tonight is going to be a salad I think, with the leftover chicken as my lunch tomorrow. Not sure what the protein will be on the salad, I have 2 kinds of fish, shrimp and chicken to choose from. Choices, choices.
I am feeling so good, though I am low on fiber for the day. After my loss this week, I'm not terribly worried about the pot luck coming this week. Seeing the results of my minimal effort, just the time that I've had to put in to track what I'm eating... as we start Phase 4, I really think the weight loss is going to stay steady at 3 - 4 lbs at least until I get closer to 200 lbs. It'd be nice to be more than 40 lbs down by my 40th birthday on Cinco de Mayo - Not that I celebrate it. I've got a minefield before then with my daughter's 6th birthday. We don't go out of our way for Easter. There's a touch of candy, but I can ignore that. It's the cake and ice cream for her birthday...
Hmm she loves the 35 calorie fudge bars, maybe I'll just do cake and those... I can enjoy my fudge bar while everyone else is eating cake... I don't know that I can get away without having cake for her, I should probably just refrain from baking it myself. I'm less enamored of the store-bought frosting than my homemade buttercream frosting.
I've got 4 months to deal with that. Right now it's one day at a time. 549 calories so far today (counting the 2 sticks of sugarfree gum that chewed on at church).
Today, I've already had breakfast, egg substitute with mozzarella cheese on a thin bun, and I'm working on my first 32 oz of water. I leave soon for church, so this is a short post.
I'm down 4 lbs in the last week. I'm amazed, I've never lost more than 2 lbs in a week. Of course I was never this determined and focused. I'm doing this right.
After church, a trip to the grocery store is in the cards. Walmart here doesn't have decent produce and this store also has chicken on sale.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
So today's final stats:
Water: 90 oz
Need to increase my water. It's so much harder to get to 100 oz on the weekends, especially when I take a nap like I did tonight.
I bought pickles yesterday, but not only is the duckie boy a cheese monster, but he's a pickle monster. I'm going to have to buy more LOL.
I was looking back on the last year last night while MUDding (short explanation, it's a text based game along the same lines as World of Warcraft or Everquest. The one I play on I've been playing for 16 years, many of the people there are ones that I've known for that many years, though some of them I've met since I re-started playing in 2008 when I logged in on a whim and saw someone that I was close to in '96).
Anyway, now that I've gotten totally off the subject, I was looking back on this year and thinking about how things have changed and how far I've come even if I weigh within 2 lbs of what I weighed last December. This year is going to be different because I'm no longer afraid to go below 1800 calories. I know what to eat and how to eat so I can lose this weight that needs to go for my health and for my kids. I'm no longer going to do what I did last year where I said my goal was to hit TBS by July '14 (for my 25th high school reunion).
Things that have changed over the last year:
- I no longer have to get up at 2 am to roll papers. We've dropped both local home delivery paper routes.
- The freelance writing I was doing dried up and I haven't found another source
- I use coupons a lot more and have some necessities stockpiled - enough for a couple of months
- Money isn't as tight as it was, and I didn't strangle Justin for doing what he did and not getting unemployment after being laid off work. We got through, it wasn't easy but we did it and our marriage is stronger for it.
- I miss my programming job or any job that's computer related. I don't like my current job any more than I did a year ago - I did apply for a programming job and it came down to myself and 2 others, but I didn't get it.
- I miss my family and really want to be down in FL with them. My plan was to move there last year, but Jan 1 a year later and we're still in the same boring town and tiny apartment which seems tinier at the moment because of the piles of papers that need to go to recycling.
In the last year, I lost a dear friend to colon cancer. The way her cancer spread reminded me of my grandfather and how his pancreatic cancer was too far along for them to do anything at all. It had spread to the bones in his pelvis and all they could do was treat the symptoms and make him comfortable. Then grammie died in 2008 from complications to cancer as well. Since I was pregnant when she died, I'm not remembering much about that, but between her Alzheimers and the cancer, she was put on morphine because they couldn't do anything else to treat her either. She wouldn't have understood about the cancer with as far gone as she was mentally. Since both of my grandparents farmed and lived on a farm their whole lives, I sometimes wonder about some things that I don't want to go into right now with regards to natural health and organic farming... then again, I remember eating Oreo doublestuffs when I spent a week with them in the summer to go to vacation Bible camp.
Which brings me to what I've been thinking about for the last few months. As a friend of mine pointed out (and I think she got it from Allan), Jude may have died from cancer, but we need to treat our fat as cancer. We need to remember that the fat can shorten our lives. I need to remember that my kids need a mother, all of them - even the 19 year old who acts like he doesn't want anything to do with me.
My goal this year is to continue to lose weight (I'm at about 3 lbs lost over the last week since I started seriously watching what I eat - official numbers are tomorrow). I don't really have a number goal, though I do want to get to a healthy BMI. My goal is TBS after that - total body satisfaction. I believe I'll know when I'm at the right weight once I get there.
It took me so long to write this with the munchkin around that I've already had lunch. Lunch was oatmeal with natural peanut butter and Splenda since I've been saying I should eat oatmeal. It's still on plan, I'm at 520 calories for the day so far.