Friday, December 31, 2010
Water: 80 oz
Overall not a bad day. Got more gum for the week. The only things I need are more chicken since it's on sale, ditto for thin buns and I need to find some oatmeal... high cholesterol runs in my family.
They don't need the soda or bug juice either and that he gets more frequently. They would have been fine with water. That's what they were drinking at home.
Now I get to sit in a car that smells like chocolate and convince myself I'm happy with Extra Dessert Sensations gum (not the mint chocolate chip one either)
Breakfast was a breakfast burrito with low fat mozzarella and a whole wheat tortilla.
I've got company on my lap this morning since its a lazy morning so more later. A trip to Wal-Mart is in the cards.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Water: 100+ oz (I lost count after 7 (16 oz) cups)
I had planned on just a Krunch Lite bar tonight, but the kids wanted ice cream too. The 2 year old just walked around with his Fudge Lite bar, so I ate it before it melted. Even with both ice cream bars, I didn't do too badly, and the second bar had me feeling like I was treating myself. It's not something I'm going to do all the time, and I can control myself with these in the house - I bought 1 box of each about a month ago, and of the 24 bars total, there are still 4 left.
The stress at work got to me today. There's no other answer for my tears when I got home.
I'm craving something... I'm not sure what. I just want to mindlessly eat. Gum is helping a very little, though I've gone through almost a full pack this week. Water isn't helping. I'm debating getting a can of diet soda. I don't lose weight very well drinking soda, but there are times I'm not sure what else to do. The soda will at least help me grit my teeth through the rest of the afternoon. Time is dragging slowly by and the long weekend is coming up.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Water: 100+ oz (I lost count after 7 cups)
BUT though I skipped the afternoon snack, I still got 4 servings of veggies today, I was short on fruit and I'll make that up tomorrow.
While I was out walking tonight, I started thinking about the last time I lost a substantial amount of weight. I tried to remember what I did, I tried to remember my mindset. I lost about 40 lbs in 2001 when on eDiets. I ate the right things, drank my water and exercised. I was content with my life, then the bottom dropped out of my little world when my boyfriend started saying a lot of stuff that no longer matters. I think, I honestly think I've obsessed about that enough for a lifetime. Honestly, he and my Marine didn't get along. Though he and I had a lot in common and he made me happy, there were a lot of issues that he just put off dealing with. Looking back, he had trapped himself in a situation that he could only get out of when I left. Though I left for all the wrong reasons, leaving was the right thing to do.
He didn't trap just himself in that situation though. He trapped me and my son too. The depression I went through, the long years of it weren't just from him and his actions. Instead of dealing with things, I let them simmer and I obsessed over them. I did the same in 2003, and I feel like I really strained some very precious relationships because I tend to obsess over things that are going on in my life. Then I eat. Eating doesn't give me anything but a momentary pleasure, the taste of the food, the texture in my mouth.
I was thinking about that when I refilled my water cup today. I have to pass the vending machine at work on each trip to the break room for water. I said earlier that it's not much of a temptation... it isn't, but it is. I looked at the chocolate bars in there and thought about how the stress from work would seem to go away. I could focus, even momentarily on the experience of eating and the feeling of the sugar hitting my blood stream. I almost took a picture and sent the picture to this blog.
But sugar isn't the answer to the problems that plague me. Eating isn't the answer either. I need to work on letting go and forgiving myself for obsessing over things that I should have put behind me. Over the hurts that I brought on myself with thoughtless actions. I realized the other day that I've punished myself for the mistakes I've made over the last 7 years. I've distanced myself from those friends that I made. I disappear on them so I can't get the encouragement I need for the healthy eating. The reminders and gentle nudges that come from long-time friendships. In distancing myself though, I've also failed them. I haven't been there for them. I've had excuses but in the end, it all comes down to not being the friend I know I can be and for that I'm mad at myself. Writing this out is a small step toward making it up to them. I need to acknowledge it before I can work toward making things right.
I think that I'm going to have to work on forgiveness most of all. The first person I need to forgive is myself. I need to forgive myself for moving around so much when my Marine was younger. I also need to forgive myself for subjecting him to living in a homeless shelter... I could have moved back to Vermont and started over. My parents would even have helped me. I should have just stayed in the area when I went to NY for Daddy's funeral. I didn't have a job at the time anyway, so it's not like I had any reason to come back to the mid-west. I was selfish and young. I guess that's something else I need to sort through and put behind me.
I don't need to go to Cinci in 2 weeks but pretty much the rest of the department will be going. It'll really be quiet at work those 3 days.
Someone said something about a pot luck next week for January birthdays. I'll have to be sure to either plan my own lunch or bring something I can eat. One of our co-packers sent chili, chili con queso and queso that the department is planning on eating. They sent the same last year and I wasn't too impressed, so it won't be much of a temptation.
A scattered post today. Work stuff weighing on my mind...
I did get 12 minutes of walking in place yesterday. I remembered at 8:25 that I had said I'd walk at home, so I just got up and walked in place until my 2 year old started crying. We're working with him on sleeping through the night in his own bed, the paper route hasn't been conducive for that either. He did pretty well overall last night.
Breakfast, the fake eggs again with a slice of Swiss and my V8.
Lunch... I'm out of soup and forgot to make burritos last night. I'm thinking I'll take a pouch of tuna, I have some thin buns at work, and can have a tuna sandwich. Snack will be carrots with hummus, and probably cheese with a clementine as well since I'm really hungry today. Still planning on staying around 1000 calories, so I'm going to have to get the best bang for my buck.
As Pam has been saying... time to make the donuts. We just can't eat 'em. LOL Of course, she says that closer to 5 am than I am :)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Dinner - leftover spaghetti. Snack was hummus and carrots this morning and a cheese stick and a clementine this afternoon. I'm feeling good about my day overall at least food-wise. Work... well the merger is going to drive me crazy. The head of the new department emailed that everyone is expected in Cincinnati for a meeting on the 13th and 14th of January. I just can't do it. We're dropping one paper route this week, but Justin will still be delivering papers, and I need to be at home to watch the munchkins. My manager says this isn't going to affect my job. Since she still doesn't know for sure that she has a job, I'm not sure if I should believe her or not. If I do lose my job... it'll give me a lot more time to focus on weight loss. LOL Or I could apply for the writing job I've been considering for a year.
Final stats today:
Water: 100+ oz (I lost count after 7 cups)
Fat: 38g (over 30% again. this time it's the meat in the spaghetti)
Overall, not bad. Still under 1200 calories. I really don't think the fat matters quite as much as it could if I was eating more calories or less healthy food.
Skipping the treadmill today but I'm going for a 20 minute walk after work. With how sore I am today, I think intervals 2 days in a row is a bit much.
I still haven't touched the treats that were brought in. Go me :)
**edited to add - new rule. No more weighing myself every day. Only once a week even though I love my new fancy schmancy digital scale that doesn't vary 5 lbs if I shift my weight lol.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Justin made spaghetti for dinner with whole wheat pasta. I measured out 1 cup and calculated high on the calories for a total of 1, 019 calories for the day.
Water: 100+ oz (I lost count after 6 cups)
Not bad overall, though I really wanted to be around 900 calories again today. I'll take the 1000. A trip to WalMart is in the cards, and that's it for me.
Exercise is 21 minutes of intervals on the treadmill. Explanation of the intervals tonight.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Calories: 861I skipped the hummus and homemade pita chips after all, I simply wasn't hungry enough. I am adding in a 100 calorie ice cream bar, as under 800 calories just seems unbelievable to me LOL.
Water: 96 oz
Fat: (too high) 42g
Tomorrow, work and listening to everyone worry about the email we received after just about everyone else had left. My company just went through a merger with 2 other companies. We received an email stating that the new head of our department is coming from OH to OK to discuss our positions in the new company. We've been told by our department manager that our jobs are safe, but others including the new CEO have said people here in town will be losing their jobs and that we'd be hearing something after the 1st of the year. I swear, sometimes it seems like they just worry things to death. I need to fill up my MP3 player because I really don't care to hear everyone go in circles about that damn email. We'll lose our jobs or we won't. Spending hours talking about it will change nothing.
Looking at my protein and fiber stats, I may need to add in a 1 serving package of hummus and homemade pita chips made out of a whole wheat pita. Dinner is already planned with 3 oz of chicken with 2 cups of spinach sauteed in 1 tbsp of olive oil with garlic. Another yum.
My goal is to increase the veggies, decrease the calories from the 1600 that I've been averaging and still make my meals tasty.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Today, SparkPeople came up with:
I need to figure out something else for my coffee, the milk I've been putting in it has me at 112 calories for my morning coffee. I can do Splenda - I may just need to start drinking it black & sweet again instead of adding sugar free syrup and milk to make mocha. Probably best for the diet anyway.
Granted, before deciding that I'm going to do no more than 1200 calories, I would have considered today a success. Being morbidly obese, I need to remember that if I want to get healthy the fastest, I need to do this right. No cheating, no saying 'fuck it.' Nothing.
Reading old blog posts on Allan's blog, he talks about how God didn't get us here... no he didn't. But He helps me find the strength in myself to do what I should do. Sloth, gluttony & pride are all sins.
Here's what I'm committing to, starting tomorrow
- I'm going to focus on tracking my calories.
- I'm going to focus on getting at least 7 hours of sleep (that'll be much easier once we drop the 2nd paper route)
- I'm going to focus on exercise every day - there's a treadmill at work, Justin and I are planning on getting one at home
4. Journal my journey, work through the emotional issues that I have with regards to weight.I know I have those too.
Join me on my journey if you dare. It'll get ugly. It'll get emotional. I've definitely had my eyes opened as I've checked the calorie count(s) for a lot of my 'normal' diet foods. Bean burritos made with whole wheat tortillas - fine, but one is going to be 200 calories. I need to figure out exactly how it's going to fit into my diet. I did decide that my favorite breakfast is going to be 8 grain cereal with blueberries. This may be TMI but that breakfast keeps me regular, but I may alternate it with the omelet that I've gotten used to. With the fake eggs and a slice of cheese it's not that bad calorie-wise, and I really don't notice much of a difference in the taste between the carton eggs and real eggs.
I also figured out that I can post through MMS. That's a good thing, as I refuse to pay $25 per phone for Internet access for my BlackBerry and Justin's Internet capable Gravity III. We pay for Internet at home, why add in the $50 extra to our phone bill?
Anyway, I'll post more later... maybe not tonight, but this post is a start to show that I'm serious. I'm focused and I'm doing this. This is who I'm doing it for...
|My kitty girl (All kids names have been changed LOL - I chose Halloween pictures for 2 reasons, first I love these pictures, second it makes them almost unrecognizable if you see them in person - this is my blog not theirs)|
|My ducky boy|
The 19 year old did hurt my feelings a bit when he was home earlier this month, and my reaction was to want to turn to food. He got mad because he made plane reservations back for the wrong day not once, but twice and he told me he was never coming back to windy OK to visit me. I loaned him enough money to pay for the plane fare back, but he had to hurry so much to get through security and on the plane that I got barely a hug. Yea, that feels good after 10 years of single parenting. Oh the joys of kids. I know I'm not the only one to go through it, and at least mine turned out very well. I'm so very proud of him even when he hurts my feelings. There was a long time when he was so angry at the world, yet now he's let go of the anger and is a Marine. Semper Fi.