Questions

So how do you know what direction to take at a crossroad? How do you decide when your emotions are torn? How do you figure out what to do without breaking a promise made when you thought the situation wouldn't come up? (If THIS then THAT)

My mind is blank and I'm indecisive on what to do. On the one hand, I am working 2 jobs, on the other, they don't add up to 40 hours, and the pay really sucks.

That Deep Dark Hole

Well, I started this post last night thinking about a few things I was going through 20 years ago that I needed to get aired out so I could finally put everything behind me.

Then things got worse today.  I've fallen into a deep dark hole.

I have to move back to Oklahoma, there's no 2 ways about it.

Why is a long story.  Whether I'll see my family again before my nephew is 18 is a question.  I couldn't make it for my grandfather's wake, my uncle's funeral, my grandmother's funeral.... now I don't know if I'll ever see my family again.

Guess that's just how life is going to go for me.  From one sucky situation to another.

Please excuse me while I go cry some more.  I can't even get my makeup on to go to Michael's.  I'm going to have to stop crying so I can get it on.  I have to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay.

Decisions Determine Destiny

I just read something that attributes this to someone named Frederick Speakman, but it's so true.

My decision to change my eating pattern back to what I was doing that worked will determine my destiny in my weight loss.

My decision to focus on getting my website up and running with writing samples will determine my writing destiny - and how easy it'll be for me to apply for writing jobs.

My decision to put on sneakers later and go for a walk will determine whether I get the exercise I should be getting today.

My decision to work on Thanksgiving will determine whether I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family - looks like I probably won't get much time with them - if at all.  Plus, it's going to be a very long day leaving the house at 6:30 am for one job and not getting home from the 2nd until after 10:30 pm.  I'm so not looking forward to that!

My decision to move to Florida has done all sorts of things for my destiny as well.  I haven't figured those out yet, but I'll get there.

water is on track
food isn't great... need to start back to that...
exercise will happen after I finish this writing assignment, unless it's time to get the kids.  Then I'll figure out how to go for a walk later.  I'll be walking to get the kids, but want to get more than that.

Friday, Nov 11

After a long week, I'm so glad to see Friday. I watched what I ate last night, and woke up hungry. Score one for me. On the other hand I ate too much for lunch, so I need to focus on that today. Portions are a problem when you don't bring your own food, and are only around microwave meals. I think I'll keep a salad and a bowl of fruit out and start with that... The rest need to go to the vending machines.

Actually that sounds like a good lunch, a chicken Ceasar salad and a bowl of pineapple and grapes.

Otherwise its a blah day, and I'd rather be home... But I'll get through it. Tomorrow I work at Michael's and Sunday is a birthday party for a grand-neice. Its my littlest's birthday, but I can't afford a big party, so we're doing pizza, cake and ice cream I think on Monday. At least pizza... I won't have bought him a gift, but my sister and mother will, so its all good. Now if I could only get daddy here.. Soon I hope. He's working a lot of hours right now, so we should have the money soon.

I guess I'll close this for now. I really need to journal...

Nov 10, Thurs

Taking yesterday off helped me feel better at least. I took a nap and woke up feeling more rested than I have in a long time. I spent time reading as well... Of course, I figured out that person's trick. She ends her books in mid-air, and then I'm eager to read the next one to figure out what happens next.

I need to get more writing done. My goal is modest - 600 to 700 words a day. I should do higher, but aiming too high won't do me any good.

My next goal is to watch what I eat better. I was doing well, but not so much the last week. Its like seeing 189 on the scale gave me license to eat. The problem is, I can't eat what I want while living with my parents. They have some of the food I need, but I'm expected to eat what they do... Part of it is what my nephew will eat, but mom needs to eat more that'll help bring her cholesterol down, and more fresh veggies.

But I can't do more than make suggestions, she's old enough to make her own decisions.

Exercise will be okay today, and I'll watch my water... So food is the important one. Always was. One of these days I need to start reading Sean's blog from the start.

Anyway we have trips to Walmart and Target this morning, so I'm going to cut this short. I may need to post later to keep myself from stuffing my face.

Focus Makes Me Fabulous

I'm having a focus problem today.  I need to get at least 2 more articles done today, but I don't seem to want to pay attention to what I'm supposed to be doing.  So I figured I'd come here and blah blah blah a minute and see if that helps get everything out of my head.

I've got a bunch of articles outstanding on Textbroker, and I want to get 2 more done.  I'm giving myself tomorrow off if I can get them done today.  Well tomorrow off from trying to write for Textbroker.  Of course, I need to really focus on more writing, but I think I'll finish with my http://www.seocopywritingdesign.com website and get at least one blog post up on that.  I've got the post mostly written, I just need to fix a few things and then polish it off.  Sounds fun, huh?

I also need to get my web writing resume finished and put in a few applications.  I think if I can focus this afternoon I can do that easily tonight.  I want a nap still, but hey we can't have everything we want, otherwise I'd be living on my own already so I could totally control my eating.  Right now, I feel guilty and am going along with whatever mom suggests.  She's not big into eating the chicken every day even though she says she is.

My weight, it was 189.  I don't think I got enough water though, since it was 192 this morning and I know I haven't been eating THAT badly.  It's all good, as long as it's going down overall. 

Anyway, I can't seem to stop yawning, so I'm gonna try to get at least one article done, then maybe a nap before the other one and the research I need to do for my website.

Blogger

I've decided I can't stand the new blogger dashboard.  It's really confusing and not nearly as clean cut as the previous one.  But, now I don't see a message where I can change it back...

Sorry about the previous post, I hit send when I was writing notes for my writing.

Not feeling well tonight, I'm sick anyway.

Add in that I feel in the way.  And now Justin is talking about me moving back to OK.  After we spent so much money on moving here, and he hasn't even gotten here yet.  And I'm more tempted than I want to admit because my stepdad is making it seem like I'm in the way.  I a leather couch and love seat stacked in the garage.  And I have a dining table and chairs.  He decided that the chairs were in the way and threw them up on top of the couch/love seat.

And anything of ours needs to be in the room I share with the kids, nevermind that it's got 3 people living in it, it's not supposed to be in the main living area.  Not that he can see it, but if he finds anything it gets thrown on my bed.

Plus, I'm barely getting any hours for Michael's, partially because my sister is busy every weekend her partner is off work.  Otherwise, I'd be getting about 12 hours a week.  I need more than that.

I worked this week for a temp agency, but I'm supposed to input my hours online, and it's saying my email address - which should be my login - isn't valid.  Yea, there's 5 more hours I need to get paid for.

I'm sick and depressed and can't even bring myself to start gaming as an outlet because I have too much else to do.  So I sit and cry.

Speaking of which, I need to write.  Something other than general griping and whining.

Mumble, Mumble

So Blogger keeps crashing my Blackberry, so I can't post to my NaNoWriMo blog. I want to start my short story, so I'll have to figure something out. I just wish I could afford a newer phone. But then again I can't really afford much right now. I'm about $10 short on my cell bill still. So I need to do about $35 of writing for TB this week. I've been averaging $30 so I'll get there fairly easily. I do need to increase my writing income though, $50 average would be better.

I need to do some thinking about stuff. I'm not overthinking, its just that I need to evaluate the best way to get income since I'm having issues getting a job. At least another $200 a week would be ideal. More is always better. I've got my freelance resume done and at least one sample. I can rewrite another for a 2nd sample. I'll have to look for a 3rd.

My website needs finished and I need to rewrite the copy. I can do that a little at a time.

My weight is right at 189 even this morning. I'm not doing it all right every day, so I'm confused. I'm not complaining, but .... I know I could do a lot better. I am limited by what my mother buys for food, and a bit limited by what she makes for dinner. Her dinner is determined by what my nephew will eat... Its not what she should be eating for her high cholesterol.

But that's her choice. I need to focus on doing the best I can for myself.