Day 4 - Final stats and some thoughts

Lets get the stats out of the way first. Too much mayonnaise in my tuna put me high in fat, but I stayed under 1100 calories, just 37% fat.  Ugh!


Calories: 1069
Water: 100+ oz (I lost count after 7 cups)
Protein: 87g
Fat: 45g 
Fiber: 20g

BUT though I skipped the afternoon snack, I still got 4 servings of veggies today, I was short on fruit and I'll make that up tomorrow.

While I was out walking tonight, I started thinking about the last time I lost a substantial amount of weight.  I tried to remember what I did, I tried to remember my mindset.  I lost about 40 lbs in 2001 when on eDiets.  I ate the right things, drank my water and exercised.  I was content with my life, then the bottom dropped out of my little world when my boyfriend started saying a lot of stuff that no longer matters.  I think, I honestly think I've obsessed about that enough for a lifetime.  Honestly, he and my Marine didn't get along.  Though he and I had a lot in common and he made me happy, there were a lot of issues that he just put off dealing with.  Looking back, he had trapped himself in a situation that he could only get out of when I left.  Though I left for all the wrong reasons, leaving was the right thing to do.

He didn't trap just himself in that situation though.  He trapped me and my son too.  The depression I went through, the long years of it weren't just from him and his actions.  Instead of dealing with things, I let them simmer and I obsessed over them.  I did the same in 2003, and I feel like I really strained some very precious relationships because I tend to obsess over things that are going on in my life.  Then I eat.  Eating doesn't give me anything but a momentary pleasure, the taste of the food, the texture in my mouth.

I was thinking about that when I refilled my water cup today.  I have to pass the vending machine at work on each trip to the break room for water.  I said earlier that it's not much of a temptation... it isn't, but it is.  I looked at the chocolate bars in there and thought about how the stress from work would seem to go away.  I could focus, even momentarily on the experience of eating and the feeling of the sugar hitting my blood stream.  I almost took a picture and sent the picture to this blog. 

But sugar isn't the answer to the problems that plague me.  Eating isn't the answer either.  I need to work on letting go and forgiving myself for obsessing over things that I should have put behind me.  Over the hurts that I brought on myself with thoughtless actions.  I realized the other day that I've punished myself for the mistakes I've made over the last 7 years.  I've distanced myself from those friends that I made.  I disappear on them so I can't get the encouragement I need for the healthy eating.  The reminders and gentle nudges that come from long-time friendships.  In distancing myself though, I've also failed them.  I haven't been there for them.  I've had excuses but in the end, it all comes down to not being the friend I know I can be and for that I'm mad at myself.  Writing this out is a small step toward making it up to them.  I need to acknowledge it before I can work toward making things right.

I think that I'm going to have to work on forgiveness most of all.  The first person I need to forgive is myself.  I need to forgive myself for moving around so much when my Marine was younger.  I also need to forgive myself for subjecting him to living in a homeless shelter... I could have moved back to Vermont and started over.  My parents would even have helped me.  I should have just stayed in the area when I went to NY for Daddy's funeral.  I didn't have a job at the time anyway, so it's not like I had any reason to come back to the mid-west.  I was selfish and young.  I guess that's something else I need to sort through and put behind me.

Day 4 - lunch

Lunch was what I planned this morning. No unexpected treats at work so no real minefield today other than the vending machine that doesn't tempt me.

I don't need to go to Cinci in 2 weeks but pretty much the rest of the department will be going. It'll really be quiet at work those 3 days.

Someone said something about a pot luck next week for January birthdays. I'll have to be sure to either plan my own lunch or bring something I can eat. One of our co-packers sent chili, chili con queso and queso that the department is planning on eating. They sent the same last year and I wasn't too impressed, so it won't be much of a temptation.

A scattered post today. Work stuff weighing on my mind...

Day 4 - With More Sleep

LOL so Justin is training someone for the paper route we're dropping.  It's all good, she really needs the money because she's having trouble with her 6th grader and is having to homeschool him.  I'm feeling better about it.  I felt bad because we've been hearing a lot about how we're the first carriers in awhile where people haven't had problems getting their paper.  BUT we have to do what we have to do, and I'm getting too old to get up at 3 am and then up again at 7 to sit at a desk all day.  It'd be different if I could go to bed earlier than 9, but someone needs to be up until the kids are asleep.

I did get 12 minutes of walking in place yesterday.  I remembered at 8:25 that I had said I'd walk at home, so I just got up and walked in place until my 2 year old started crying.  We're working with him on sleeping through the night in his own bed, the paper route hasn't been conducive for that either.  He did pretty well overall last night.

Breakfast, the fake eggs again with a slice of Swiss and my V8.

Lunch... I'm out of soup and forgot to make burritos last night.  I'm thinking I'll take a pouch of tuna, I have some thin buns at work, and can have a tuna sandwich.  Snack will be carrots with hummus, and probably cheese with a clementine as well since I'm really hungry today.  Still planning on staying around 1000 calories, so I'm going to have to get the best bang for my buck.

As Pam has been saying... time to make the donuts.  We just can't eat 'em.  LOL  Of course, she says that closer to 5 am than I am :)

Day 3 - Final Stats

Okay, so I obviously wasn't paying attention when posting earlier today.  Day 2 lunch for the 2nd day in a row LOL.

Dinner - leftover spaghetti.  Snack was hummus and carrots this morning and a cheese stick and a clementine this afternoon.  I'm feeling good about my day overall at least food-wise.  Work... well the merger is going to drive me crazy.  The head of the new department emailed that everyone is expected in Cincinnati for a meeting on the 13th and 14th of January.  I just can't do it.  We're dropping one paper route this week, but Justin will still be delivering papers, and I need to be at home to watch the munchkins.  My manager says this isn't going to affect my job.  Since she still doesn't know for sure that she has a job, I'm not sure if I should believe her or not.  If I do lose my job... it'll give me a lot more time to focus on weight loss.  LOL  Or I could apply for the writing job I've been considering for a year.

Final stats today:

Calories: 1005
Water: 100+ oz (I lost count after 7 cups)
Protein: 56g
Fat: 38g (over 30% again. this time it's the meat in the spaghetti) 
Fiber: 20g

Overall, not bad.  Still under 1200 calories.  I really don't think the fat matters quite as much as it could if I was eating more calories or less healthy food.

Day 3 - Lunch

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday without throwing any away - I only had 3/4 cup of the soup left. LOL.
Skipping the treadmill today but I'm going for a 20 minute walk after work. With how sore I am today, I think intervals 2 days in a row is a bit much.

I still haven't touched the treats that were brought in. Go me :)

Day 3 - Testing my Willpower

Breakfast was a sandwich with egg substitute, mushrooms and a thin wheat bun (the 100 calorie ones).  I think the blog name needs to change to Sharleone is losing it.  LOL after my post last night, I think I am…

I weighed today and am a bit discouraged after yesterday.  Yesterday morning, I was down .4 lbs (not much, and I know I shouldn't take it as gospel, but I felt good about it.)  Today, I was down an additional .2 lbs.  Yea, I ate 158 calories more, but I also exercised… and I estimated on the high side for a lot… as in the spaghetti with meat sauce I measured 1 cup of everything combined, but in SparkPeople, I put in 1 cup of whole wheat spaghetti, then 1/2 cup of pasta sauce and 2 oz of meat.  Just the meat and spaghetti would be more than 1 cup, but I wanted to go high to be sure that I'm not underestimating since I can do that easy enough to justify my eating.  I did the same with lunch, I put in the amounts I had packed and didn't subtract the calories in the 1/2 cup I threw out.  After thinking about it, I also had 2 diet sodas.  I need to cut out the soda. 

Then today, there's a tin of some sort of homemade cookies on the filing cabinet behind me.  They're honestly not calling my name.  The only thing calling my name after yesterday is ibuprofen.  Already done my first 16 oz of water.

**edited to add - new rule.  No more weighing myself every day.  Only once a week even though I love my new fancy schmancy digital scale that doesn't vary 5 lbs if I shift my weight lol.

Ugh!

I knew this wasn't going to be easy. I ate plenty for dinner. I know I shouldnt be hungry. Instead my brain is telling me I'm starving. I've done a lot of damage to my body. I have a lot to forgive myself for. I know my issue is psychological. I know I have an addictive personality (gaming til 5 am anyone?). I just need to get myself some gum and find something else to do. Oh yea and scream because this is why I always fail at diets. I start and the harder I work at it the faster I get to the point where my brain says I'm starving.

Day 2 - Final Stats

Today's intervals on the treadmill  was 5 minutes at 3.0 mph, 2 minutes at 3.3, 1 minute at 3.1, 2 at 3.5, etc until the 16 minute mark (with the last 2 minutes at 3.9 mph) and then a 5 minute cool-down.

Justin made spaghetti for dinner with whole wheat pasta.  I measured out 1 cup and calculated high on the calories for a total of 1, 019 calories for the day.

Final stats:

Calories: 1019
Water: 100+ oz (I lost count after 6 cups)
Protein: 49g
Fat: 33g
Fiber: 23g

Not bad overall, though I really wanted to be around 900 calories again today.  I'll take the 1000.  A trip to WalMart is in the cards, and that's it for me.

Day 2 - lunch & exercise

Lunch was a repeat of yesterday with the addition of spinach and swiss cheese. I ate until I was full and threw away the rest - maybe half a cup. I figure 250 caliries for lunch I'll enter it later.

Exercise is 21 minutes of intervals on the treadmill. Explanation of the intervals tonight.

Day 2 - The Work Week Begins

It’s definitely easier for me to start a weight loss program during the week.  I should breeze by this week… key word being should.

Breakfast was Bob’s Red Mill 5 Grain Cereal with frozen blueberries and sweetener.  I had my V8, putting me at 210 calories before I left the house.  I decided to try a sample of Starbucks Vanilla coffee since I wasn’t making a mocha.  Not bad, but definitely not something I’d buy for myself.  I didn’t make it out of the house yesterday to buy cremora so only put in sweetener.  When I got to work, I added 2 packets of CoffeeMate sticks that I had in my desk.  Still not bad, but not the best coffee I’ve had either.  Of course, I prefer Dunkin’ Donuts or Green Mountain Coffee over Starbucks… you can take the girl out of New England, but you can’t take the Yankee out of the girl or something like that LOL.

I'm going to have to figure something out since it doesn't appear that email posting is working correctly and logging onto here or using my cell phone at work is frowned upon.