May 31, Time flies

It doesn't seem possible that it's already June tomorrow.  I don't know where the time goes.  Of course, today at work just dragged...

Food was about 1300 calories (I think 1315). Water was at 3 liters.  Exercise - all I got was a 12 minute walk.

Overall, it was a good day, except I was wanting us to be in our own place more than I could put in words, and that's going some for me.  We've done some looking, and there's really still not many choices.  Unfortunately, we can only rent until I can get our credit fixed some, and the only rentals are out of our price range.  Blah.  Everything else has worked out, so this should too.  It's just discouraging while I'm in the middle of it.

It's past my bedtime, so I'm going to close this for now.  Tomorrow is another day.  Laterness & g'night.

May 30, Adrenaline rush

So the little one swallowed something tonight.  So we spent about 2.5 hours in the hospital emergency room.  It's in his stomach, so it should work its way out.

Sounds like fun, huh? The adrenaline rush left me exhausted, so this is a short post tonight.

Ugh another 1700 calories tonight.  Hubby ended up giving me part of his food, and though I shouldn't have accepted, I did.  But, I'm seeing where I should have done things differently, this time it was dinner.  I need to better control my portion sizes. 

On the other hand, a 15 minute walk this morning, then another 15 minutes on the treadmill, so that was right.  And I got about 3 liters of water.

I'm not feeling well, so laterness & g'night.

May 30

Not much going on today. Just trying to stay on plan. Not much temptation either, though I didn't eat an egg for breakfast. Hubby made cereal for the youngest, but he wanted toast, so I ate his cereal. Still about the same number of calories.

Kinda a blah day, but I'm getting through it.

No more fighting

I finally finished 'Transformation Road' by Sean Anderson.  I had to stop for awhile because it hit way too close to home.  But the question is, why do I treat food as the enemy when the real enemy is myself.  I'm beating myself up, I'm thinking that I don't deserve to lose weight, that I deserve to be fat.

I'm the one who is making the choice to eat too much, and too much of the wrong type of food.

Today, I was at about 1700 calories.  That's too many, but that was a bad decision that I won't do again.

My aim is going to be to eat 300 calories for breakfast and 400 for lunch.  I can have an afternoon snack, but not a Luna Bar or a Kashi Bar unless both of my meals were below my calorie goal.  If this means I end a day at 1200 calories, that's fine.  I shouldn't be ending any day over 1500 calories if I do this. 

Tomorrow breakfast will be 1 egg, 1 slice of toast with butter and a banana.  That's about 270 calories give or take because I haven't looked at the bread.  Lunch will be a stuffed chicken breast, boiled potato and broccoli and cauliflower mix.  I'll have to look up the calories for the chicken breast, but that should be about 415 calories or so, to bring my grand total up to 685.

I don't know what's for dinner.  But I can keep my portions down to make headway on what I am doing.

I also downloaded an exercise plan to add more consistency. It alternates the intervals I've been doing, with weights.

I'm going to watch a bit of Eureka and then go to bed.  Laterness & g'night.

May 27, Random stuff

Tonight I'm not taking much time to post.  I've been AWOL (again).  I am struggling (again).  But I have some thoughts.

I got a lot of information about degrees in nutrition from one of the Registered Dietitians I work with.  I haven't decided whether I'm going to go further than a degree, but I'm still looking into that degree.

Food, well I've been eating my feelings, or rather to not feel my feelings.  It stops today.  I have plans for what I'm going to eat tomorrow, and I should be able to stick with it, since I know what's planned for meals.  Between now and Tuesday, I need to come up with a plan for breakfast and lunch every day, to land at approximately 750 or 800 calories.  That gives me a few calories to play with for dinner and I'll be able to stay under 1500 calories.  That's my goal, since I seem to do well at 1500 for the moment.

Of course, this will also mean I HAVE to exercise every day.  I'm going to alternate days with the treadmill and elliptical at work. 

I also need to make time for my writing exercises.  I'm GOING to get the writing thing done within the year.

In the meantime, I so need to sleep.  The kids are up at first light, and swearing that it's late because 'it's daytime.'

Laterness & g'night.

May 23, Wednesday

I'm still struggling with the letting go... I'll get there, it's just going to take me longer than I had planned.

On the other hand, I'm looking into a degree in nutrition just because I think it'd be good.  Maybe even become a registered dietitian.  Hmm

Of course that'll take 4 years.

Food was actually decent today.  I wasn't hungry all day, so that made my choices easier.

Water was on target as well.

Exercise... that hasn't happened since Monday.  I'm going to have to take a break tomorrow and actually exercise like I'm supposed to.

Laterness & g'night.

May 21, Letting go...

So today I met the person they hired to do the job I've been doing.  I'm still harboring a LOT of bitterness over the situation.

But tomorrow, I need to let go.  I need to just relax and do what I'm told to do.  I need to remember I still have a job.  One that pays more than I was making, one that is a significant raise from when I quit last year.

It's not enough, but it's a start.

I'm trying to get some stuff done, so I can start focusing on the writing I'm supposed to be doing.  I only foresee me staying at this job for another 4 years at most, unless I don't manage to find the time to start the writing business I really want.  I want to be able to be home for the kids when they get off school.  I want to be able to take the day to spend at the zoo, or at track and field day, or any other day that they'd like me to be there.

I want what I didn't get with the Marine, a chance to be home with my kids instead of working full time with as much overtime as I can get to be sure that I can make ends meet.

I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be able to stay home with my kids without having to work.  I have never been able to, the Marine's father told me I had to work, and once he and I were separated, I had no choice.  $300 a month in child support wasn't enough to support us.  Once I wasn't a single mother any more, I had to work because my hubby isn't earning enough to support us without my income as well.  I was able to make enough to support us, but he hasn't been.  We're hoping that's changed now that he has a job interview with the company I work for...

Anyway, food was at ~1500 calories (I came up with 1450), water was more than 1 liter/100 oz, and exercise was a gentle 15 minute walk.  I forgot my sneakers so couldn't get on the treadmill.

Laterness & g'night.

May 20, Looking back

Yesterday I spent some time looking back, and it's detrimental to my mental health.  Life is what we make it, and looking back at my time with someone other than my husband will do nothing more than make me miserable in my marriage.  There are enough outside factors that can do that for me, so today I choose to appreciate what I have.  A husband who will go short on sleep to go visit old friends with me.  One who loves me and will make me breakfast... except when he doesn't wake up because he's been going short on sleep helping other family members. 

He loves me, and I choose to love him rather than look for something different.

Today food wasn't that good.  Exercise was non-existent.  Water was good.  One out of three needs work.

Tomorrow, food is planned.  Water will be easy, and exercise is planned, though I'll need to bring shoes to work.

Weigh in today, down about 3 lbs from last week.  Unless I updated my ticker last week, I don't have an exact amount because for some reason my scales said I gained 157 lbs.  My daughter loves stepping on it and setting her weight to whichever one she manages to tap.  Sometimes it's mine, sometimes it's hubby's. 

Bedtime. Laterness & g'night.

May 19, Treating Myself

I heard from my Marine yesterday for the first time since my birthday.  Oddly, hearing from him made me feel better. 

Today, I decided that I was going to do some things to treat myself. 

I got a haircut.  I considered getting it colored, but right now I am putting it off.  I'll figure out in a week if I think I need to have it colored.  I may, I don't care for the grey in my hair.

I got a pedicure.  I'm planning on doing that once every 2 months for as long as I can.  I loved it, and they even put a design on my big toes.  Overall, it wasn't that expensive for that.

I also got myself a pair of sandals.  They look a lot like the ones I wore when I drove from Kansas City (well, Independence, MO) to NY for my daddy's funeral. Which led me to start missing Daddy, and missing the boyfriend I had back then.  I broke up with him about 2 months before Daddy died. Which led to me looking said ex up on Facebook, and actually finding him.  I guess his privacy settings have changed.  But the picture of him was hard to look at, because it made me sad.

Never date your best friend.  When you break up, you lose out on the friendship.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I have nothing in common with him other than the kids and the last 7 years spent living with him.  Most of the time we've been married, we've worked opposite shifts, so we haven't spent much time together. Sometimes I regret a lot from 2003 to 2004, but my life is how it is.  I can't go back in time, and wouldn't give up the kids even if I could go back.

Then again, my Marine is a part of why I left as well.  And not feeling loved.

Hubby says he loves me frequently.  He spoils me and treats me well. 

Anyway, food wasn't horrid today, but not great like earlier this week.  Water at least 66 oz.  Exercise... not much.

Now if only I could find a place for us to live that wasn't over $700 monthly.  We could do it, but just barely with our current incomes.

I'd best get to bed, before I obsess any more.  Laterness & g'night.

May 17, Drama, drama, drama

I got 16 minutes on the treadmill (1 mile doing intervals and a 5 minute warm up/cool down).

I really needed to blow off steam today, so it was good I had time and didn't have to be anywhere at lunch. There's just a lot of drama going on at work, and part of me is going through the sad and hurt feelings from the end of April when I was offered a job, just not the one I wanted, that I've been doing for the last 4 years. I'll be fine, I have a job, it just hurt the way they did everything.

Food is on plan so far today. I might even be under calories considering I've had 2/3 of my meals...

Water, I have to focus on water today. Otherwise its a 3 star day :)

May 16, Wednesday

I've been blogging my food with a group on SparkPeople, and end up running out of time to post here. I have 2.5 hours, in the evening, I need to do better at managing my time.

That's always been my problem. Time gets away from me at home, and I never know where its gone.

Food is going better this week, though I only made it on the treadmill once. The rest of the time, I've walked outside. But its getting too hot to walk at 10:30, so I'm not sure what we're going to do once it gets warmer.

Water has been good as well, though better during the week, and I have to work on that too.

Right now, work is stressful, I'm getting mixed signals on what I'm supposed to be doing, and one person has decided that I'm supposed to be doing something that hasn't officially been given to me yet. I'm trying to figure out how that's right when she's not the boss.

Laterness & g'night

May 13, Mother's Day

Food today wasn't bad.  After yesterday, I ate the amount I'm supposed to be eating every day.  Yet, I didn't get enough water, and I had 3 mini tootsie rolls and a Godiva Gem.  I need to skip the chocolate/candy.

I spent the day in a funk.  Part of my problem is probably that I haven't had the B vitamins or D or anything lately.  Plus, I need some C, and I haven't had anything with that lately.  I've got sores on the inside of my mouth, and I know they'd go away with a bit of Vitamin C.  I'll have a glass of juice with my breakfast. 

I'm missing my Marine. Which is odd, since I didn't always hear from him very often when he was stateside.  I'm wishing we were in our own place, I'm wanting this and that and just wanting to be very material lately.  I want to have a nice house, I want a car that isn't always having problems.

And I'm struggling with these wants, since part of me wonders if they're at odds with what the bible tells us.

Now that I'm full time with the employer, I'm tempted to go to the clinic and get on anti-depressant meds and see if I can get back on thyroid medication as well.

Then it seems like too much bother.  I know this hole, and I know I need to do something. 

I think right now, the something I do is go to bed and cry.  It's just too much to deal with tonight.  I'm honestly missing my family so much, and ... things are going better here, but not enough better, and we can't find a place to live in our price range.  So I started looking at modular homes, since there's some lots for sale at a trailer park, but the modular homes I looked at were more than we can afford.

I'll be better tomorrow, I know this.  It's just hard right now, we've got money saved, but not enough.  Our taxes still aren't back.  Even when they are, it's not going to be enough to pay for a place, obviously, so we're going to have to find financing.  Hubby is going to go to a place that sells trailers.  The lots said owner financing, so if we can swing it, it'll probably be that at first.  BUT I'm going to be putting every cent I can into savings and try to get my credit cleared off so we can get into something other than a trailer.  In OK, that's one of those places you don't really want to live.  Not with the wind that goes in circles :P

Anyway, I'm going to get some sleep.  I've talked to hubby since I started this, and I'm feeling a bit better.  I think I'm just letting it get to me that I wasn't spoiled either today or on my birthday.  I want one of those days to be special, and I never tell anyone how I feel, so then I end up disappointed when I don't get what I want.  I have no right to be upset if I don't tell anyone, do I?

Laterness & g'night.

May 11, Who are we really fighting?

Tonight I've been reading more of Sean's (Anderson)  book.  I know there's a lot for me to learn.  I had to stop at the part where he starts talking about rewinding the internal tape.  That internal voice has been hounding me for so long...

Anyway, food wasn't awesome today, but it wasn't as bad as it has been.  We went out to Golden Corral, I had 1 plate and a salad, starting out with the salad, then 1 chicken leg quarter, 6 baby carrots, and about 1/2 cup of sweet potato casserole.  I topped it off with a roll, 2 chocolate covered strawberries and 2 chocolate covered marshmallows.  Not awful, though really more than I should have eaten, but I didn't pig out at the dessert table. 

Walking didn't really happen today.  I'm going to have to work that in tomorrow.

And Monday, I start as a permanent employee at the place I've been working.  I have such mixed feelings, but am going to focus on being grateful I have a job. 

I'm exhausted, and it's 11 pm.  Laterness & g'night.

May 7, Cravings

One thing I can tell already, having to journal my food is keeping me from snacking. It's hard though. I want more and it's only self control keeping me from eating off plan.

I remember this feeling. It feels good to be in control even if I'm not at 1200 calories.

My goal is 160 - my prepregnancy weight from before I had my Marine. I'd love to be fit when he comes back, but aiming for 160 is a start :)

Need to start the thoughts journal too, but its hard to do at the moment while I'm at work.

May 6, Sunday

Started the journal today.  I wasn't feeling well all day either, so it was easier to stay in plan.  The only thing is the cake they insisted on making for my birthday.  Even though I knew it wasn't going to help my stomach, I had some.

I'm actually batting 0 for 3 today.  I didn't have enough water.  I didn't do anything today other than laundry, nap and read my bible.  I did okay on food, but I had cake. 

I need to cut out the sweets, I know this.  So that'll be my goal for this week.  I'm going to journal every bite.  I'm going to put my moods, though depression seems to top most of it.  I'm going to get enough water, and put extra steps in.  I won't be able to exercise at lunch, but I'll be walking to the post office with a full box to send my Marine.

I guess that's it for tonight.

Laterness & g'night.

May 4, Another day, another year

Tomorrow marks my 41st birthday. 

Last year I foresaw a lot of changes that simply haven't happened, and may never happen. 

1. I miss my family, and don't know when I'll see them again, though I hope I do in October/November when my Marine gets home from overseas.
2. We're living with hubby's grandparents, and it's so very hard.
3. I'm back at the job I had before I left... the one I had mixed feelings about.  Some days I liked it, some days I didn't.

On the other hand, hubby had a job interview with the company I work for.  The jobs pay well for here, and workers get yearly raises.  It's better than his work at the newspaper, which is for minimum wage.  He doesn't even get 30 hours a week there.  He got offered an assistant supervisor position, but they don't even know if the assistant supervisor (C) is actually going to jail.  If C doesn't go to jail, hubby is not getting the job.  If he does, hubby loses the job when C gets out.  And hubby is getting hassled by coworkers about being chosen over them.

Not worth it.

As for me... well, I'm just numb.  Especially when I stuff my face with the sweets that seem to be constantly available lately.  I've lost my will to even try to do anything, and I just don't know where to start to change it.

I don't know if I care anymore. 

I don't get why I'm getting so bogged down in depression.

I think it's time to start from the beginning.  Tomorrow, I buy myself a journal that will fit in my purse.  In that journal, I will put thoughts and feelings.  I'm going to get a second journal to put food. 

Tomorrow I will try to walk, but my hubby wants to take me out for my birthday.  I don't know if it'll happen, it'll depend on whether the grandparents will have a problem with watching the kids long enough for us to see The Avengers.

Maybe I'll do both.  Maybe I'll bring the kids for a walk around the mall in the morning.  Actually, that's a good idea, I can rent a stroller and bring them for a walk.  I have to rent a stroller, or there will be complaints about hurting legs.

Today, food was definitely not on plan.

Water - over 1 liter.
Exercise - 7300 steps.  It seems to be more accurate on my waistband, though I am considering buying another.

Tomorrow, I buy stuff for a care package for the Marine.  It may get expensive, but I need to do it.  He wants body spray, men's body wash and peanut butter and crackers.  I'm also sending cookies, beef jerky and some type of drink mix.

Tomorrow, I might also try to get some work done with the kids with me.  We'll see how well that'll work, how they're behaving.

Until then, I have an article that needs to be rewritten before I go to bed.  Sounds fun, huh?  Well, actually I have until 9:45 or so tomorrow morning. 

Laterness & g'night.

May 3, Blah

I was doing fairly well for a portion of last week. Not perfect but making progress.

This week is just horrid. Tuesday was a cookout at work with cake, welcoming the people from the other office who moved to the building I work in.

Wednesday, one of my coworkers got a cake for our boss who graduated with an associates last saturday. Then we had Long John Silver for dinner. Fish, but greasy fish. My stomach complained about that one.

Today, someone had bought a cake from a fundraiser, but its just her and her husband at home, so she shared it with us.

Blah, I don't give up, I'm just frustrated with myself.

On the other hand, I managed to get the pedometer to be a bit more accurate by moving where I put it. 5800 steps yesterday and 7000 today.

I've also been having frequent panic attacks the last couple of days.

So... Tomorrow I start over. I need to find a breakfast that I can do without feeling hungry by 11.

I was writing for TB, and its late. I'll write more later.

Laterness & g'night.

May Day

Food wasn't so great today, but I got the water and a 15 minute walk.

I determined the pedometer doesn't work right, it somehow over counts my steps. I got 8000 today for all that's worth. Maybe halve it.

Laterness & g'night