April 8, Sunday

So I've noticed something.  I haven't wanted to go to sleep lately.  Ever since my son, my Marine messaged me that he was leaving on patrol.  I don't know why I can't seem to trust that if something happens I'll hear about it. 

With the lack of sleep comes depression.  Not the minor 'I'm sad' type feeling.  The full-blown 'I can barely focus and really don't have any energy to do anything except read' type feeling.  Only I've been working for 2 months and I'm no closer to having a job.  I've done 2 interviews with 2 different companies (for a total of 4 interviews) and haven't heard anything about either of the jobs.  And the temp agency doesn't offer insurance.

I've been taking Sam-E, and a Super B Complex.  Things that have helped in the past.  Instead, I'm exhausted all the time.  I live on coffee at work and can still barely focus.

I got really snappish today.  I've had so many times of being told what to do because I don't do things like everyone else does, or hearing the grandparents fight in the other room, knowing what stress it's putting on them for us to live here.

I know this is just because of how I react to negativity, but it's not making it any easier.

When I said something to the grandmother about having trouble focusing, her response was to go to bed earlier.  That's her answer to pretty much anything I say about not feeling well.  Except I only really need 7 hours of sleep normally.  The nightmares are stealing my sleep.

I'm going to try for adding real exercise tomorrow, though I did get a half hour walk in today.  It was the only way to bring balance back.  I stopped, grabbed a tree branch hanging down on the road, and just felt something running from the tree through my feet to the ground.  It could just have been my blood pumping too. 

I watched what I ate today, other than coffee with sugar in it since I couldn't get sugar free where I was.  Tomorrow will start with the exercise.  Even if it means setting the speed to 3 and walking the whole time, I'm heading for 20 minutes on the treadmill.

It's getting toward 10 and I still need to take out my contacts and take a melatonin pill and read for a few minutes.  Laterness & g'night.