Its time to rumble again. I'm having to figure out a new way to post, but it's all good.

Error, error

I've been having issues posting via mobile.  I'm finally posting to the help group to see if I can get a response on what's going on.  I kept putting it off because it didn't seem as important as other things.

Be back soon.

I don't wanna!

So I'm walking on the treadmill today, but I don't wanna. I'm eating on plan, but again, I don't wanna.

Fake it til you make it is the name of the game today.

Almost Home

So the Marine is supposed to be coming home. That's a good thing. I can't wait to hear his voice.

Food was good today. 35 minutes of exercise. 120 oz of water.

TOM is being very rough on me, and I'm exhausted.

Laterness & g'night

Wednesday

Weigh in this morning was up, so increasing calories isn't going to work.

I'm on track for 1200 today, water is down, and I'm getting ready to get on the treadmill for my intervals.

I'm focusing on not stress eating, and am pretty sure I know what's for dinner so I can plan ahead.

My sister-in-law moved back to town, but I haven't seen her yet. I have such mixed feelings about the whole situation. I try to remember that I should love her because God loves her, but she has such an entitled attitude its hard. Its easier to love my brother's wife even though she gets on my nerves, but I've had 20+ years experience dealing with Kristine.

Tuesday

Final calories for the day, about 1400.  I was trying to increase to 1300, but miscalculated how many calories were in spaghetti noodles. 

But overall a good day.  I got exercise today, plenty of water, and the calories were as I said above.

Tonight, I"m spending a lot of time yawning, so once I get my email cleaned out, I'm going to go to bed early.

Hmm

So, Saturday calories were okay. Sunday's weigh-in was down a bunch - from 210.2 to 205.6, though I saw 204.2 Saturday morning.

Yesterday I went over by a lot. We went to Golden Corral and I did really good. I would have been around 1200 except I had dessert and a roll. Bad idea.

I'm back on track and hoping to see a loss again this week.

Overconfidence

So I was so proud of myself staying around 1200 calories yesterday.

Tonight, dinner was a waffle and eggs, and I went over by 200 calories, my total was about 1400 calories.  Ugh.  It's not bad, but more than my goal. 

Onward.

Aug 24, TGIF

Things I learned this week include that I can fit an occasional McDonalds trip in and still hit only 1200 calories. Does this mean it'll be a common occurrence? No, but on days where I need to grab a quick lunch for my 3 yo, I can have 4 nuggets and half a small fry and still stay in calorie range.

Yesterday's calories - approximately 1250. Water and a walk, but no strength exercises.

On track so far today, and got in 20 mins of intervals in about 1 minute. About 100 minutes of exercise so far this week

Wednesday

Calories for today, 1250 or thereabouts.  It's been a rough day foodwise, but I'm hanging on. 

Water was good.  I got 30 minutes of exercise in.  I keep reminding myself that I saw 207.2 this morning after flirting with 210 for the last couple of weeks.  My goal is to keep going, even through catered lunches (like today) or whatever comes at me. 

Right now, I'm chewing gum because my husband bought trail mix.  I told him he was being mean to me, that I had had my calories for the day, but he didn't get it.  Grr.

I do need to do a few things, and I need a shower after sweating so much today. 

Laterness & g'night.

Tuesday, August 21

Calories for yesterday, 1250.  Exercise and water were good.

Today, my calories are at about 1120, but I was stuffed at dinner, so I'm calling it good.  I did a 10 minute walk, 5 minutes on the elliptical, 15 push-ups, crunches, butterflies (where you lie on your belly and lift your arms and legs backward), and 15 lunges.  Water was about 100 oz, less than yesterday, but still on track.

The alarm went off early this morning.  Hubby figured out how to reset the alarm on my phone, so he set it for 5:30 when I normally don't get up til 6.  I was NOT a happy camper.

I still need to clean out my inbox and get to bed.  I'm tired, and I'm trying to start getting more sleep.

Laterness & g'night.

Monday, Aug 20

Friday's calories weren't great, but weren't horrid. I had about 1700 calories Friday, and no exercise.

Today, I'm on track for 1200 calories and I got a 10 minute walk for first break and 20 minutes of intervals at lunch. The plan is in place for this week.

August 16, Thurs

Final calorie count today, 1290.  I went a bit over, I shouldn't have had that 2nd banana.

I'm kinda feeling disjointed tonight, and really need to journal again.  I've been having trouble relaxing, and tonight I was clenching my jaw.

Exercise was 30 minutes total.  Water was 128 oz.  Food was 1290 calories.  A 3-star day.

Now if I could just figure out some things with the work situation.  I may be offered another job with another company.  Or I may not.  I'm just not sure if I should take it since they took me back where I am, and I know they need me.

I'm just so confused.  And stressed.  And ready to sleep.

Laterness & g'night.

Thursday

So fasting bloodwork means I had a bad day foodwise. About 1800 calories for the day. It could have been worse, but more than my 1200 calorie goal.

Yesterday I got 1217 calories and a 10 minute walk. Today is looking good so far, I'm walking now.

Monday

I ended the day at 1245 calories.  A bit over where I wanted to be, but not bad.  I got about 128 oz of water, and 30 minutes of exercise.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with fasting blood work.  It should make things interesting since I'm going to be starving by the time I can eat.  I'm already hungry.  I know I'll live, but I'm not going to be happy about it for a bit lol.

No sugar today either, though it was tempting.  I had pineapple and banana, so I got my fruits, no veggies.  I need to work on that too, but my selections were limited for dinner tonight.  Sweet and Sour chicken, pork and beans, chips.  The chicken was good though.

I'm getting tired, so I'm going to read for about 10 minutes, then go to bed.

Laterness & g'night.

Aug 13, bird poop in a drought

Wouldn't you know, I find out that the car washes are closed because of the drought, and birds mess on my car. Blech.

I'm back on track, and determined to hit my next goal - 180 lbs. Food is on track so far today. I took a walk this morning and am getting ready for 30 minutes on the treadmill.

July 23, Monday

Calories Friday, around 2000 because of hubby's birthday. It could have been much worse, but I should have made better choices earlier in the day.

Today, I'm on track to have about 1200 calories, as long as I'm careful at dinner. I've done 30 minutes of exercise, though I didn't want to do the treadmill at lunch. I'm stretching right now, then heading up to eat my tuna lunch.

July 20

One walk yesterday, and 1600 calories. I ate too much during the day and it threw off my calorie count. Today my goal is 1400, it'll be fun with my husband's birthday dinner at Applebees.

I'm seeing progress, I just need to keep tracking and paying attention. My weight needs to go back under 200. My goal now is to weigh less than my Marine. Itd be the first time in his life, but he's bulked up and weighs 180 right now.

July 18

My mistake, yesterday I only had 1145 calories, not 1245.  Today, 1387, even with about 1/2 bottle of Lipton iced tea with lemon.

I'm craving sweets, but I really need to control it.

Onward.  Laterness & g'night.

July 18, one step, one day

Yesterday, food was 1245 calories. I only got 1 walk in, but more than 100 oz of water. Overall a good day.

I finished Monday with 1595 calories, which I'll consider acceptable with 2 walks, one pushing myself on the treadmill.

Today, I'm at 600 calories so far with 2 more walks. Water is close to 128 oz. Dinner is up in the air, but portion sizes will be watched.

July 16, ugh

So this weekend, something snapped. Someone at church asked if I was gaining weight. I've put on 15 lbs from my lowest weight, and I need to stop. I know its hard living with the grandparents, I can't let it be an excuse.

I know its going to require extra focus since they don't exactly eat healthy, but I can eat right for at least 2 meals a day, and go easy the third.

So far today, I'm on track, and I've gotten in 30 minutes of exercise. Lunch is a tuna kit. I need to get veggies that I can add to my meals.

July 12, blah blah blah

Food was actually not bad today until tonight when I let frustration and my emotions over my son convince me that I needed ice cream. I did keep it to a single dip Braum's ice cream cone, but I went over my calories.

I'm going to take tomorrow one step at a time. Breakfast is either eggs or oatmeal, whichever I have time for. Lunch is a tuna kit and at least a banana. Dinner is a small portion of whatever they make. But at least one walk is in order, if not 20 minutes on the treadmill as well.

I need to get some sleep. I got the refill for my meds, but the depression is still kicking my butt.

Laterness & g'night

I'm having issues with mobile posting. I'll post again tonight

July 11, cleaning

My stomach has been fine today, but I had diarrhea. Tonight, my stomach is cramping like crazy and I'm nauseous. What fun.

Tomorrow is a meeting with Blue Star Mothers that I want to go to if I'm up to it.

Food today wasn't bad, I just ate too much. Way too much. No exercise, just 64 oz of water. I need to focus and do better.

I'm feeling ill enough that's it for tonight. Laterness & g'night

July 10, closing

So today we closed on the house. Its going to need a lot of work before we can live in it. I'm so excited and scared at the same time. We so need to get out of the grandparents house. I really do appreciate they let us stay here while we were looking for a place, but I also really do feel we have overstayed our welcome.

Food was still horrid today, but I got a walk in, and I think I got enough water. At least 80 oz. Not the 128 I had been drinking, but its been a crazy day.

My thoughts are still on my Marine in Afghanistan. I miss talking to him, though I'm sure we won't ever be as close as we were.

I need to get some sleep. I spent too much time trying to figure out how to make a slideshow with Photoshop. I used to do it, but that was before I got CS5.

Laterness & g'night.

July 9, Monday

Today was a total failure on the food front. I didn't even manage a walk. All of the progress I've made has come to a stand-still. I ran out of anti-depressants on Friday, and the panic attacks started back today. Plus all the stuff in the news about attacks in Afghanistan.

In my head, I know I'd know before the news sites if anything happened to my son, but that didn't stop the tears today, and tonight.

And I started TOM today, 3 days early, with horrible cramps. Or maybe I lost count and am actually 4 days late - thatd certainly explain the cramps.

I'm not sleeping well lately on top of everything else, maybe I need a different anti-depressant - or a stronger dose. I'm going to wait until I know its not monthly hormones, but it didn't seem that the meds were working very well, I was still getting panic attacks, just not as bad as they had been.

I guess I'd best get some sleep. I know I need it. Laterness & g'night.

July 7, Here I am to...

A worship song from church this morning is running through my head. It has been a long few weeks. And of course, just as the anti-depressants kicked in, the script was done, and I didn't have refills. I'm going to have to call the clinic tomorrow.

My weight hasn't moved, not really. Its not really a surprise either since I'm not actually tracking anything. I've been floating around 205 for a couple of months now.

Tomorrow I start tracking again. I start walking again. I start doing what I should to be healthy. My goal is 1200 calories, but I won't freak about 1400. Walking and water are a given as well.

Laterness & g'night

June 21, Changes

I've been praying really hard.  There's a house up the street that we've been interested in.  It needs a lot of work, but they only want $12k for it.  We only had a bit over half that amount saved (we don't pay rent while living with his grandparents).  Since she wanted cash, we had planned to just keep saving until we could buy it out right.  Today, Justin's aunt told us to call the owner, that she had gotten another offer on the house. 

To make a long(er) story short, we arranged payments, we give her what we have saved, and pay $530 a month for the next year, and it'll be paid off.  In the meantime, we can start cleaning it out and making it actually habitable.  It has about an acre yard, and even if we put $20k into fixing it up, the house would have only cost us about $30k.  Not bad at all.

I went way over on calories today.  Even if I had stuck with the 650 calories that I've been getting before dinner, I'd probably be over.  But instead, I had about half a cheesecake today.  Maybe more.  Being conscious of what I was eating meant I kept my calories to 2,000 or so. 

It's time for sleep, it's been a long week.  Laterness & g'night.

June 19, Calorie bank results

I've been aiming for 1200 calories a day, but the last couple of days have been at 1400 calories.  I'm trying to decide on whether I'm going to consider that a success or not.  I think I'm going to wait and see what the scale says on Sunday.  If I lose at 1400 calories, fine.  If not, then I'll need to adjust my plan.

In the meantime, my stomach keeps growling.  It's going to take some getting used to.

I did 2 walks yesterday, but only 1 walk and 1 stroll today (I went to the library, just didn't walk very fast). 

I got 3+ liters of water today, and no soda, which is a big thing for me.  I've found that I can lose or gain 3 lbs in 2 days because of diet sodas.  It's all water weight, but still. 

Otherwise, I'm doing okay.  I'm just exhausted, so I need to get to bed early (or at least earlier than normal).

I've got a bit of writing to do, then I'm headed to bed.

Laterness & g'night.

June 13, Tears and laughter

Well, more tears tonight.  Hubby started at his new job, so things are going well.  I'm just down in the dumps tonight, and weepy. 

Food was at about 1400 calories.  I am hungry right now, but don't have any more calories for the day.  I'll be fine.

Water was good, I drank more than the 3 liters I've been aiming for.

Walk was good too.  Tomorrow I'm going to exercise on the treadmill.

Short post tonight, I need to sleep.  Laterness & g'night.

June 12, A week of blah

I know I didn't post a lot last week.  On the 3rd, my mother went into the hospital for bronchitis.  She woke up for the 3rd time in a week unable to breathe, and they kept her over night.  I got frazzled about not being down there, and wishing I could help my sister handle the details of getting everyone everywhere.  It was a lot for her to handle on her own, since her partner was at work.

On the same day, I found out my Marine was moving from the big base he was stationed on to a smaller one.  They're closing bases down, and so he's there.  Being a typical momma, I worried.  I'm still a bit worried, but I've been talking to him fairly frequently through Facebook in the last couple of weeks.

Last Tuesday, a dear friend of mine died.  She had been suffering from cancer, and I say suffering in the broadest way.  She had been very sick, and the cancer spread to her brain and she was getting dizzy.  I'm so blessed to have known her, and met her when I drove to FL last summer.

Yesterday, the Health Coach from from the work clinic came into the office.  She brought a scale that measures more than simple weight or body fat percentage.  It gave the number of pounds of muscle, bone mass, and a scale for visceral fat.  It also gave my metabolic age (56!) and my BMR (1681 calories). 

My goal is to be down by 10 lbs by the time she comes back.  I've set my calorie range lower than the 1500 I was aiming for, because 1500 is too close to my BMR for me to lose much each week. 

Today, I hit 1196 calories.  Yesterday it was 1340.

Of course, the tuna kits I bought for the Marine have disappeared out of his box.  I'm going to have to buy him more.

In the meantime, water was good.  Food was good, and I got a 15 minute walk in.  All in all a successful day.  Which makes the 2nd successful day in a row.

On to tomorrow.  Laterness & g'night.

June 8

I think I put the wrong date yesterday.  At least I thought I posted yesterday.  *ETA** I just looked back, I put the wrong date yesterday lol.

Food wasn't so good today.  Someone brought donuts.  Hubby and I need to find a new place to eat lunch on Fridays, as I don't think that even the chicken quesadilla where we go is very healthy.  Of course, it could be worse, he ordered onion rings, and fries, with a grilled chicken sandwich that was at least 8 oz of chicken breast.

I'm not feeling so well tonight, all the crap food, and eating too much.  So I'm going to head to bed early.

I'm tired anyway.  Laterness & g'night.

June 6

It's been a long week.  I'm just glad tomorrow is Friday. 

Food has been high, but still under 2,000 calories most days.  I am starting again tomorrow, keeping my calories under 1500.  I'm sabotaging myself.

Water has been okay, and I've been for a walk every day this week.

Mom was in the hospital on Sunday, and I found out my Marine is moving to another base (hence, I binged on frozen yogurt on Sunday). 

Tonight, I'm tired, so I think I'm going to bed early.  The anti-depressant meds are helping me some, but really will take at least another week before they kick in.

I had about 1700 calories today.  Which has been my average for the last 3 days.

Tomorrow I start over, doing this right.  1500 calories, calculated as often as I can so I don't go over.

Until then, it's time for bed.  Laterness & g'night.

June 1

The urge to move has gotten so strong today that it's all I can think about.  I just don't know where to look for a place.  The rental market here in town is horrid.  There are few homes for rent.  There are homes for sale, but our credit isn't good enough to get a loan...

Add in, the doctor's office has decided (again) that my thyroid isn't off enough to be on thyroid medication.  Uhh ??? how the heck can it go back and forth? And of course, since I went in for something else, and she said that the thyroid being off can affect this other thing, then I'm feeling totally frustrated and ready to cry.

Maybe I'm just emotional with wanting my own place.

Calories today about 1400.  Higher than I planned, but I didn't think the lasagna for dinner was as many calories as it was.

Water - over 100 oz.  Exercise, a walk around the block this morning.

So far, so good.  My weight this morning was 204.4, which is lower than it's been in a couple of weeks.

And I can't seem to care.  I know I'm just depressed, and that the Zoloft in the other room will help.  So will spending the day at the library or somewhere else.

Laterness & g'night.

May 31, Time flies

It doesn't seem possible that it's already June tomorrow.  I don't know where the time goes.  Of course, today at work just dragged...

Food was about 1300 calories (I think 1315). Water was at 3 liters.  Exercise - all I got was a 12 minute walk.

Overall, it was a good day, except I was wanting us to be in our own place more than I could put in words, and that's going some for me.  We've done some looking, and there's really still not many choices.  Unfortunately, we can only rent until I can get our credit fixed some, and the only rentals are out of our price range.  Blah.  Everything else has worked out, so this should too.  It's just discouraging while I'm in the middle of it.

It's past my bedtime, so I'm going to close this for now.  Tomorrow is another day.  Laterness & g'night.

May 30, Adrenaline rush

So the little one swallowed something tonight.  So we spent about 2.5 hours in the hospital emergency room.  It's in his stomach, so it should work its way out.

Sounds like fun, huh? The adrenaline rush left me exhausted, so this is a short post tonight.

Ugh another 1700 calories tonight.  Hubby ended up giving me part of his food, and though I shouldn't have accepted, I did.  But, I'm seeing where I should have done things differently, this time it was dinner.  I need to better control my portion sizes. 

On the other hand, a 15 minute walk this morning, then another 15 minutes on the treadmill, so that was right.  And I got about 3 liters of water.

I'm not feeling well, so laterness & g'night.

May 30

Not much going on today. Just trying to stay on plan. Not much temptation either, though I didn't eat an egg for breakfast. Hubby made cereal for the youngest, but he wanted toast, so I ate his cereal. Still about the same number of calories.

Kinda a blah day, but I'm getting through it.

No more fighting

I finally finished 'Transformation Road' by Sean Anderson.  I had to stop for awhile because it hit way too close to home.  But the question is, why do I treat food as the enemy when the real enemy is myself.  I'm beating myself up, I'm thinking that I don't deserve to lose weight, that I deserve to be fat.

I'm the one who is making the choice to eat too much, and too much of the wrong type of food.

Today, I was at about 1700 calories.  That's too many, but that was a bad decision that I won't do again.

My aim is going to be to eat 300 calories for breakfast and 400 for lunch.  I can have an afternoon snack, but not a Luna Bar or a Kashi Bar unless both of my meals were below my calorie goal.  If this means I end a day at 1200 calories, that's fine.  I shouldn't be ending any day over 1500 calories if I do this. 

Tomorrow breakfast will be 1 egg, 1 slice of toast with butter and a banana.  That's about 270 calories give or take because I haven't looked at the bread.  Lunch will be a stuffed chicken breast, boiled potato and broccoli and cauliflower mix.  I'll have to look up the calories for the chicken breast, but that should be about 415 calories or so, to bring my grand total up to 685.

I don't know what's for dinner.  But I can keep my portions down to make headway on what I am doing.

I also downloaded an exercise plan to add more consistency. It alternates the intervals I've been doing, with weights.

I'm going to watch a bit of Eureka and then go to bed.  Laterness & g'night.

May 27, Random stuff

Tonight I'm not taking much time to post.  I've been AWOL (again).  I am struggling (again).  But I have some thoughts.

I got a lot of information about degrees in nutrition from one of the Registered Dietitians I work with.  I haven't decided whether I'm going to go further than a degree, but I'm still looking into that degree.

Food, well I've been eating my feelings, or rather to not feel my feelings.  It stops today.  I have plans for what I'm going to eat tomorrow, and I should be able to stick with it, since I know what's planned for meals.  Between now and Tuesday, I need to come up with a plan for breakfast and lunch every day, to land at approximately 750 or 800 calories.  That gives me a few calories to play with for dinner and I'll be able to stay under 1500 calories.  That's my goal, since I seem to do well at 1500 for the moment.

Of course, this will also mean I HAVE to exercise every day.  I'm going to alternate days with the treadmill and elliptical at work. 

I also need to make time for my writing exercises.  I'm GOING to get the writing thing done within the year.

In the meantime, I so need to sleep.  The kids are up at first light, and swearing that it's late because 'it's daytime.'

Laterness & g'night.

May 23, Wednesday

I'm still struggling with the letting go... I'll get there, it's just going to take me longer than I had planned.

On the other hand, I'm looking into a degree in nutrition just because I think it'd be good.  Maybe even become a registered dietitian.  Hmm

Of course that'll take 4 years.

Food was actually decent today.  I wasn't hungry all day, so that made my choices easier.

Water was on target as well.

Exercise... that hasn't happened since Monday.  I'm going to have to take a break tomorrow and actually exercise like I'm supposed to.

Laterness & g'night.

May 21, Letting go...

So today I met the person they hired to do the job I've been doing.  I'm still harboring a LOT of bitterness over the situation.

But tomorrow, I need to let go.  I need to just relax and do what I'm told to do.  I need to remember I still have a job.  One that pays more than I was making, one that is a significant raise from when I quit last year.

It's not enough, but it's a start.

I'm trying to get some stuff done, so I can start focusing on the writing I'm supposed to be doing.  I only foresee me staying at this job for another 4 years at most, unless I don't manage to find the time to start the writing business I really want.  I want to be able to be home for the kids when they get off school.  I want to be able to take the day to spend at the zoo, or at track and field day, or any other day that they'd like me to be there.

I want what I didn't get with the Marine, a chance to be home with my kids instead of working full time with as much overtime as I can get to be sure that I can make ends meet.

I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be able to stay home with my kids without having to work.  I have never been able to, the Marine's father told me I had to work, and once he and I were separated, I had no choice.  $300 a month in child support wasn't enough to support us.  Once I wasn't a single mother any more, I had to work because my hubby isn't earning enough to support us without my income as well.  I was able to make enough to support us, but he hasn't been.  We're hoping that's changed now that he has a job interview with the company I work for...

Anyway, food was at ~1500 calories (I came up with 1450), water was more than 1 liter/100 oz, and exercise was a gentle 15 minute walk.  I forgot my sneakers so couldn't get on the treadmill.

Laterness & g'night.

May 20, Looking back

Yesterday I spent some time looking back, and it's detrimental to my mental health.  Life is what we make it, and looking back at my time with someone other than my husband will do nothing more than make me miserable in my marriage.  There are enough outside factors that can do that for me, so today I choose to appreciate what I have.  A husband who will go short on sleep to go visit old friends with me.  One who loves me and will make me breakfast... except when he doesn't wake up because he's been going short on sleep helping other family members. 

He loves me, and I choose to love him rather than look for something different.

Today food wasn't that good.  Exercise was non-existent.  Water was good.  One out of three needs work.

Tomorrow, food is planned.  Water will be easy, and exercise is planned, though I'll need to bring shoes to work.

Weigh in today, down about 3 lbs from last week.  Unless I updated my ticker last week, I don't have an exact amount because for some reason my scales said I gained 157 lbs.  My daughter loves stepping on it and setting her weight to whichever one she manages to tap.  Sometimes it's mine, sometimes it's hubby's. 

Bedtime. Laterness & g'night.

May 19, Treating Myself

I heard from my Marine yesterday for the first time since my birthday.  Oddly, hearing from him made me feel better. 

Today, I decided that I was going to do some things to treat myself. 

I got a haircut.  I considered getting it colored, but right now I am putting it off.  I'll figure out in a week if I think I need to have it colored.  I may, I don't care for the grey in my hair.

I got a pedicure.  I'm planning on doing that once every 2 months for as long as I can.  I loved it, and they even put a design on my big toes.  Overall, it wasn't that expensive for that.

I also got myself a pair of sandals.  They look a lot like the ones I wore when I drove from Kansas City (well, Independence, MO) to NY for my daddy's funeral. Which led me to start missing Daddy, and missing the boyfriend I had back then.  I broke up with him about 2 months before Daddy died. Which led to me looking said ex up on Facebook, and actually finding him.  I guess his privacy settings have changed.  But the picture of him was hard to look at, because it made me sad.

Never date your best friend.  When you break up, you lose out on the friendship.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I have nothing in common with him other than the kids and the last 7 years spent living with him.  Most of the time we've been married, we've worked opposite shifts, so we haven't spent much time together. Sometimes I regret a lot from 2003 to 2004, but my life is how it is.  I can't go back in time, and wouldn't give up the kids even if I could go back.

Then again, my Marine is a part of why I left as well.  And not feeling loved.

Hubby says he loves me frequently.  He spoils me and treats me well. 

Anyway, food wasn't horrid today, but not great like earlier this week.  Water at least 66 oz.  Exercise... not much.

Now if only I could find a place for us to live that wasn't over $700 monthly.  We could do it, but just barely with our current incomes.

I'd best get to bed, before I obsess any more.  Laterness & g'night.

May 17, Drama, drama, drama

I got 16 minutes on the treadmill (1 mile doing intervals and a 5 minute warm up/cool down).

I really needed to blow off steam today, so it was good I had time and didn't have to be anywhere at lunch. There's just a lot of drama going on at work, and part of me is going through the sad and hurt feelings from the end of April when I was offered a job, just not the one I wanted, that I've been doing for the last 4 years. I'll be fine, I have a job, it just hurt the way they did everything.

Food is on plan so far today. I might even be under calories considering I've had 2/3 of my meals...

Water, I have to focus on water today. Otherwise its a 3 star day :)

May 16, Wednesday

I've been blogging my food with a group on SparkPeople, and end up running out of time to post here. I have 2.5 hours, in the evening, I need to do better at managing my time.

That's always been my problem. Time gets away from me at home, and I never know where its gone.

Food is going better this week, though I only made it on the treadmill once. The rest of the time, I've walked outside. But its getting too hot to walk at 10:30, so I'm not sure what we're going to do once it gets warmer.

Water has been good as well, though better during the week, and I have to work on that too.

Right now, work is stressful, I'm getting mixed signals on what I'm supposed to be doing, and one person has decided that I'm supposed to be doing something that hasn't officially been given to me yet. I'm trying to figure out how that's right when she's not the boss.

Laterness & g'night

May 13, Mother's Day

Food today wasn't bad.  After yesterday, I ate the amount I'm supposed to be eating every day.  Yet, I didn't get enough water, and I had 3 mini tootsie rolls and a Godiva Gem.  I need to skip the chocolate/candy.

I spent the day in a funk.  Part of my problem is probably that I haven't had the B vitamins or D or anything lately.  Plus, I need some C, and I haven't had anything with that lately.  I've got sores on the inside of my mouth, and I know they'd go away with a bit of Vitamin C.  I'll have a glass of juice with my breakfast. 

I'm missing my Marine. Which is odd, since I didn't always hear from him very often when he was stateside.  I'm wishing we were in our own place, I'm wanting this and that and just wanting to be very material lately.  I want to have a nice house, I want a car that isn't always having problems.

And I'm struggling with these wants, since part of me wonders if they're at odds with what the bible tells us.

Now that I'm full time with the employer, I'm tempted to go to the clinic and get on anti-depressant meds and see if I can get back on thyroid medication as well.

Then it seems like too much bother.  I know this hole, and I know I need to do something. 

I think right now, the something I do is go to bed and cry.  It's just too much to deal with tonight.  I'm honestly missing my family so much, and ... things are going better here, but not enough better, and we can't find a place to live in our price range.  So I started looking at modular homes, since there's some lots for sale at a trailer park, but the modular homes I looked at were more than we can afford.

I'll be better tomorrow, I know this.  It's just hard right now, we've got money saved, but not enough.  Our taxes still aren't back.  Even when they are, it's not going to be enough to pay for a place, obviously, so we're going to have to find financing.  Hubby is going to go to a place that sells trailers.  The lots said owner financing, so if we can swing it, it'll probably be that at first.  BUT I'm going to be putting every cent I can into savings and try to get my credit cleared off so we can get into something other than a trailer.  In OK, that's one of those places you don't really want to live.  Not with the wind that goes in circles :P

Anyway, I'm going to get some sleep.  I've talked to hubby since I started this, and I'm feeling a bit better.  I think I'm just letting it get to me that I wasn't spoiled either today or on my birthday.  I want one of those days to be special, and I never tell anyone how I feel, so then I end up disappointed when I don't get what I want.  I have no right to be upset if I don't tell anyone, do I?

Laterness & g'night.

May 11, Who are we really fighting?

Tonight I've been reading more of Sean's (Anderson)  book.  I know there's a lot for me to learn.  I had to stop at the part where he starts talking about rewinding the internal tape.  That internal voice has been hounding me for so long...

Anyway, food wasn't awesome today, but it wasn't as bad as it has been.  We went out to Golden Corral, I had 1 plate and a salad, starting out with the salad, then 1 chicken leg quarter, 6 baby carrots, and about 1/2 cup of sweet potato casserole.  I topped it off with a roll, 2 chocolate covered strawberries and 2 chocolate covered marshmallows.  Not awful, though really more than I should have eaten, but I didn't pig out at the dessert table. 

Walking didn't really happen today.  I'm going to have to work that in tomorrow.

And Monday, I start as a permanent employee at the place I've been working.  I have such mixed feelings, but am going to focus on being grateful I have a job. 

I'm exhausted, and it's 11 pm.  Laterness & g'night.

May 7, Cravings

One thing I can tell already, having to journal my food is keeping me from snacking. It's hard though. I want more and it's only self control keeping me from eating off plan.

I remember this feeling. It feels good to be in control even if I'm not at 1200 calories.

My goal is 160 - my prepregnancy weight from before I had my Marine. I'd love to be fit when he comes back, but aiming for 160 is a start :)

Need to start the thoughts journal too, but its hard to do at the moment while I'm at work.

May 6, Sunday

Started the journal today.  I wasn't feeling well all day either, so it was easier to stay in plan.  The only thing is the cake they insisted on making for my birthday.  Even though I knew it wasn't going to help my stomach, I had some.

I'm actually batting 0 for 3 today.  I didn't have enough water.  I didn't do anything today other than laundry, nap and read my bible.  I did okay on food, but I had cake. 

I need to cut out the sweets, I know this.  So that'll be my goal for this week.  I'm going to journal every bite.  I'm going to put my moods, though depression seems to top most of it.  I'm going to get enough water, and put extra steps in.  I won't be able to exercise at lunch, but I'll be walking to the post office with a full box to send my Marine.

I guess that's it for tonight.

Laterness & g'night.

May 4, Another day, another year

Tomorrow marks my 41st birthday. 

Last year I foresaw a lot of changes that simply haven't happened, and may never happen. 

1. I miss my family, and don't know when I'll see them again, though I hope I do in October/November when my Marine gets home from overseas.
2. We're living with hubby's grandparents, and it's so very hard.
3. I'm back at the job I had before I left... the one I had mixed feelings about.  Some days I liked it, some days I didn't.

On the other hand, hubby had a job interview with the company I work for.  The jobs pay well for here, and workers get yearly raises.  It's better than his work at the newspaper, which is for minimum wage.  He doesn't even get 30 hours a week there.  He got offered an assistant supervisor position, but they don't even know if the assistant supervisor (C) is actually going to jail.  If C doesn't go to jail, hubby is not getting the job.  If he does, hubby loses the job when C gets out.  And hubby is getting hassled by coworkers about being chosen over them.

Not worth it.

As for me... well, I'm just numb.  Especially when I stuff my face with the sweets that seem to be constantly available lately.  I've lost my will to even try to do anything, and I just don't know where to start to change it.

I don't know if I care anymore. 

I don't get why I'm getting so bogged down in depression.

I think it's time to start from the beginning.  Tomorrow, I buy myself a journal that will fit in my purse.  In that journal, I will put thoughts and feelings.  I'm going to get a second journal to put food. 

Tomorrow I will try to walk, but my hubby wants to take me out for my birthday.  I don't know if it'll happen, it'll depend on whether the grandparents will have a problem with watching the kids long enough for us to see The Avengers.

Maybe I'll do both.  Maybe I'll bring the kids for a walk around the mall in the morning.  Actually, that's a good idea, I can rent a stroller and bring them for a walk.  I have to rent a stroller, or there will be complaints about hurting legs.

Today, food was definitely not on plan.

Water - over 1 liter.
Exercise - 7300 steps.  It seems to be more accurate on my waistband, though I am considering buying another.

Tomorrow, I buy stuff for a care package for the Marine.  It may get expensive, but I need to do it.  He wants body spray, men's body wash and peanut butter and crackers.  I'm also sending cookies, beef jerky and some type of drink mix.

Tomorrow, I might also try to get some work done with the kids with me.  We'll see how well that'll work, how they're behaving.

Until then, I have an article that needs to be rewritten before I go to bed.  Sounds fun, huh?  Well, actually I have until 9:45 or so tomorrow morning. 

Laterness & g'night.

May 3, Blah

I was doing fairly well for a portion of last week. Not perfect but making progress.

This week is just horrid. Tuesday was a cookout at work with cake, welcoming the people from the other office who moved to the building I work in.

Wednesday, one of my coworkers got a cake for our boss who graduated with an associates last saturday. Then we had Long John Silver for dinner. Fish, but greasy fish. My stomach complained about that one.

Today, someone had bought a cake from a fundraiser, but its just her and her husband at home, so she shared it with us.

Blah, I don't give up, I'm just frustrated with myself.

On the other hand, I managed to get the pedometer to be a bit more accurate by moving where I put it. 5800 steps yesterday and 7000 today.

I've also been having frequent panic attacks the last couple of days.

So... Tomorrow I start over. I need to find a breakfast that I can do without feeling hungry by 11.

I was writing for TB, and its late. I'll write more later.

Laterness & g'night.

May Day

Food wasn't so great today, but I got the water and a 15 minute walk.

I determined the pedometer doesn't work right, it somehow over counts my steps. I got 8000 today for all that's worth. Maybe halve it.

Laterness & g'night

April 30, Tornadoes and the Thunder

First - congratz, OKC Thunder, on your win :)

Second - I frelling hate tornadoes and storms, but don't tell my sister, she hates them more. Right now, I have to be in OK to keep my family together, so that is that.

Third - food and water were good today. However, I only got 2770 steps or thereabouts. I put the pedometer on later in the morning, so maybe 3000 total. I'm aiming higher tomorrow. At least 5000.

Fourth - I really need to change something about my weigh-in. Weight yesterday, 204.8 (down 0.6 lbs) weight this morning 202.8 lbs. I didn't lose 2 lbs in a day, so need to figure out the best time/day to weigh and stick with it.

Laterness & g'night.

April 29, Sunday

I'm having computer problems tonight. Its just been one of those days.

My weight was only down 0.6 lbs this week. Better than a gain, but not enough... Unless it keeps up. I'll settle for a slow loss as long as it stays gone this time.

We've had family down from KC this weekend. That's part of why I've been so scarce. Well, that and I'm discouraged about finding a new home. Hubby got a promotion at work, so that's the next step.

Laterness & g'night

April 28, Saturday

Its been 2 days since I posted, but I'm here.

Thursday food was awful and no exercise. Water was about 100 oz, but that's the only thing I did right.

Friday, food was good, I spent the day at the zoo, so got lots of exercise. Water was only about 90 oz.

Today, food was okay, not great. Water is only 80 oz, and no exercise.

I'm neing consistant, but not the way I want. Once hubby gets home, I'm going to get one of the little notebooks out of the trunk and start tracking food better.

And I started this post, but forgot to submit it. Be back later today (Sunday).

April 25, Wednesday

I'm tired, so no snappy title tonight.  I'm headed to bed. Let's see,

1. food was actually good today, I wanted something sweet, but didn't get it.  Instead I added some MIO sweet tea to my water.
2. I did the NEWO workout at lunch, then came back and read
3. PLUS a 15 minute walk around the block with my coworkers
4. Water over 120 oz.

I'm hurting a bit tonight, I think I overdid yesterday.  I'll be fine, but I may have to force myself to actually get my intervals tomorrow. I'll probably definitely keep it off the incline, my thighs are bothering me still.

Laterness & g'night.

April 24, Gaining Focus

I only dozed from about 3 am until my alarm went off at 6 this morning.  My head hurt so bad, but I didn't want to wake all the way up and put the effort into getting water, finding the ibuprofen and actually taking something.  So now I'm exhausted again.

Food... well, let's just say I found a new trail mix today that I can never buy again :( unless I figure out how to control my portions better.

However,

1. About 128 oz of water
2. 13 minutes of walking around the block with my coworkers PLUS
3. 17 minutes of walking on the treadmill - with 3 of those minutes being a jog at 4.5 mph and most of the time being a walk at 3.4 mph. total 1 mile
4. PLUS 6 sets of stairs because they're closing what used to be the corporate office before the merger, and everyone is moving into our building.

My legs were wobbly this afternoon.  Which only encouraged me to dip into the trail mix more.  It might have just been nuts and a bit of chocolate, but it was still too many calories for the day.

My goal tomorrow is to do at least the walk with my coworkers plus 5 minutes on the treadmill and 15 push-ups, crunches, lunges and superman lifts (or whatever you call them). - also called a 'No Excuses Work Out.'  Which I won't have... an excuse, that is.

 I'm going to finish doing the exercise I'm working on for my writing class, then head to bed.  It's already late.

Laterness & g'night.

April 23, Workin' 9 to 5

I accepted my job offer today.  There's gotta be a reason in there somewhere.  As long as I have work, I am going to be happy if I have to force myself into it lol.

My eyes are closing tonight.  I was talking to my Marine, and he started pausing more and more between responses.  It's daytime there, so I'm sure there's stuff going on.  At least I was able to hear from him, my heart is happy for a bit.  Or at least happier :)

let's see, food was actually decent today, so I'm going to say:

1. Food on plan
2. over 100 oz of water
3. a 10 - 15 minute walk

I can't keep my eyes open, so I'm headed to bed. Laterness & g'night.

April 22, Earth Day

Food wasn't so good today, and I'm paying for it now.

I'm also thinking that I need to figure out a different weigh-in day.  My weight on Thursday was 204 lbs.  Today it was 205.2 lbs.  There's no way I ate so much that I gained a lb between then and now. 

I'm embarrassed to say that I gained so much weight.  This week, I'm going to bring clothes to exercise in the basement every day this week.  I have to do something.

I didn't actually get any of my goals today.  Food wasn't great, because I let my weigh-in control my mood.  Water, well... when we're around the house, I hate drinking a lot of water, because his grandparents have complained about the amount of toilet paper we go through.  It's not like we use a lot at one time, but with 4 more people, and me drinking a lot of water, we are going to go through more than when the 2 of them lived here alone.

Exercise... I cleaned the bathroom, including mopping the floor on my hands and knees.  That took most of the afternoon, so I didn't get a chance to go out for a walk today.

A three time failure.  I have a plan for tomorrow, though I haven't figured out breakfast since we're almost out of anything other than sugar cereal.  I guess I'm just going to measure out 2 tbsp of peanut butter and put it on 1 slice of bread.  Unless I can talk the hubby into cooking me some eggs.

Anyway, it's getting late, and I have a bit of homework to do before bed.  Laterness & g'night.

April 21, Sun and Shade

Today was spent out in the sunshine, and I'm tired.  More than tired, ready for bed.

Church had a 'bike-a-thon' where I helped keep track of how many times the kids went around, while my kids played on the playground.  One of the other parents helped the girl ride around a few times, she's never done it without training wheels, and she didn't do that well at it.

Then we went to a BBQ downtown, more of a fundraiser, city-wide celebration.  Not only was there pulled pork sandwiches, but there were booths inside, and several inflatable playhouses outside.  One of the booths was Blue Star Mothers, and I signed my Marine up for a package from them, and I talked to them about coming by when they put the packages together this Thursday.  It was nice to talk to someone who has been there.  The only other one I know who has had kids in the Middle East is one of the women at work.

I got plenty of fresh air and exercise today.  I bought some shoes that I'm leaning toward returning as well. 

Now for yesterday... I'm still emotional about it, so bear with me. 

I got an email that I was going to have a meeting in my manager's office at 2.  The meeting was with the HR person for our building, and my manager was honest about it being a job offer.

Great.

When all was said and done, I wasn't offered the job I applied for, that I've done for the last 4 years.  Instead, I was offered a different job, they're 'expanding' the department. 

The job I have been doing, I'm not 'qualified' to do.  I don't have a little piece of paper from a college.  I may have a high IQ, I may have a photographic memory, but I don't have a degree, and don't live in Cincinnati, so I'm not qualified.  I am qualified to train the nutritionist they hired straight out of college, who has absolutely no experience in the food industry except what is learned in college.  She's supposed to learn everything in 2 weeks.  This is going to be a huge mess.  I just hope the company will continue to be able to process school foods after all is said and done.  It'll be worse if they mess up so bad that gets pulled, but my manager has tried to tell them they're making a mistake, and they're positive they're right, so it's out of our hands.

Hurt doesn't even begin to explain how I felt when I realized what had happened. My coworkers were urging me to apply for other companies, especially one that's moving to Oklahoma City this summer.  Never mind that I don't want to move to the city, or even near the city.

Then I got back to my desk, and got a call that I was declined for the mortgage that I applied for.  Yea, wonderful day.

Anyway, now that's out.  Food today wasn't bad, but was about 200 calories over, so I'm going to say no.

On the other hand

1. Water over 3 liters
2. exercise galore, running around, back and forth and everything

 I'm tired from everything and am going to bed early tonight.

Laterness & g'night.

April 20, Who Knows

Long day, and a lot happening that I'm not going to go into because it's so late.  I'll post it tomorrow.

1. Water ~3 liters
2. walk - 10 minutes or so not great
3. food - too much at lunch, but little at dinner, so i made up for it.

and I stayed away from the chocolate when I was upset at work.  I even had someone suggesting we get chocolate...

Anyway, it's late, I need to sleep and let the emotions calm down.

Laterness & g'night.

April 19, sleep

I fell asleep tonight when cleaning out my emails, so I'm headed to bed.

1) More than 3 liters of water
2) 15 minutes on the treadmill @ 3.3 mph
3) Food was good.

All in all, not a bad day, but staying on track was tough.

Laterness & g'night

April 18, Finding a Voice

Tonight I wrote my first article in 3 months.  I think I did okay, it was for someone who likes my work anyway.  So I found my voice again.  Hubby read what I wrote yesterday and started in on me as to why I let the writing go like I did. 

Tonight, he went in for 6:15, he'll do the same tomorrow.  Looks like he's getting more hours, so I'm not going to feel so bad about him giving up the paper route we took for a supplement to his income. 

I wore jeans to work, only to find out the VP of our department was going to be in.  Since we weren't sure if she was there for my 'face to face' interview, I called and had hubby bring me a pair of slacks and dress shoes.  Of course, he brought my heels, so my feet are killing me tonight.  I also skipped walking today because of everything going on.  I shouldn't have skipped it though.  Tomorrow I'll make up for it.

Turns out, she wasn't there for a 'face to face' interview.  Supposedly she was there to get everything together to offer me a job.  Only nothing was mentioned for that either.  It's getting frustrating.  Two companies interviewed me, one it's been more than a month since they said they were going to do a background check then offer me a job.  The other, just doesn't even get that far. 

Anyway, status for today:

1. 3 liters of water
2. food on plan (yay! it was hard today, I had to keep myself from getting food from the vending machine because I was so stressed over the job offer/no job offer thing)

Otherwise, one day at a time.

Laterness & g'night.

April 17, Roaring Like a Lion

I know I use my own method of capitalization for the post titles.  It matches everything else I do - all my own way.

Except one thing, I realized tonight.  I had said something when I got back here about being able to supplement our income with writing, and the grandmother shot it down.  So I haven't written much since.

This from the one who said that not writing would feel like I was losing part of myself. 

Guess that explains a lot of my attitude lately.  I'm working on fixing it.

What I did right today:

1. went for a 15 minute walk
2. drank 3 liters of water (100 oz)

Food was out of control again today, but I'm going to focus on it tomorrow.

Laterness & g'night

April 16, the Inner Monologue

Today my inner monologue has been going strong on things I can't control.  I really need to learn to redirect my thoughts when I get like that, because I can obsess, as many of my OOT friends know.  When I start obsessing, I tend toward depression, which is why I get so down all the time. 

The question remains, how do you learn to redirect your inner monologue?

We have almost enough saved for deposit on a place, if we can find one.  The other person who wants to buy the house we're looking at is more likely to be able to get the funding, and he wants to rent it out, so we may be able to live there anyway.  Depending on what he wants to charge for rent.  I can foresee it being twice the cost of the mortgage, which doesn't sound bad until you look at income vs. expenses. 

It all boils down to money, and lack of money.  I really need to focus on doing more about earning more.

Let's see, two outta 3 ain't bad, but it really could be better.  Food wasn't awful today, just about 200 calories more than I should have.  I was fine until dinner, I should have cut the meat portion in half.

otherwise:

1. over 3 liters of water
2. a 15 minute walk (and a Herbalife tea that's supposed to help burn 100 calories lol - I don't know that I believe it, but I like the taste, and someone else was treating)

I really need to do a bit of studying before bed.  Laterness & g'night.

April 15, Death and Taxes

I wasn't going to go to church/small groups tonight because I thought the girl had testing tomorrow.  My hubby convinced me she'd run off her energy better there than if I tried to get her to run it off at home.

The message was one I needed to hear, so it was good I went.  I guess my problem was the one who wants to keep us from our full potential.

Anyway, food today was soso, water was good, and no exercise.

Blah, I need to do better tomorrow.  Tonight I'm ready for sleep.  I've cried bunches today, letting go of things I've needed to let go of and hearing things I've needed to know.

And above all, worried for my Marine.  It's taking a toll on me for sure.

Laterness & g'night.

April 14, Live Forever

I've been reading something on the Guideposts website tonight, and it has me going.  It's by Ray Bradbury of all people, and it talks about how we live forever through doing what we're meant to do.  That subject ties into something that someone posted on Facebook the other day (someone that works at what I want to do for a living).  What would it mean to me if I never wrote?  I answered and talked about how I'd feel that I had been silenced because it's only through writing that I truly am able to voice how I feel about things.  My answer was more complex than that, but it made me realize that I have to write.  Even when I try not to, I find myself writing something, in email if no where else.

For today, I'm a bit low on water, but I did get some walking in (nothing formal like I had been doing during the week).

1. Water at 80 oz
2. Food on plan
3. Some walking, parked on the other side of the parking lot and walked to Hobby Lobby for my yarn.

There were storms in the air all day, so I didn't do much of anything really.  I took my girl shopping, her 7th birthday was Monday and she got gift cards for her birthday from my family and hubby's grandparents.  We managed to keep the total to only about $5 over the gift cards, but she cried that we had to put stuff back.  My girl is going to be a shopper, so I'm trying to come up with a plan for back to school shopping.  Something about bringing a calculator, and working on adding the prices with her.

I'm going to read and crochet a bit, then get to bed.  Laterness & g'night.

Friday the 13th

It's late and I'm tired, but I need to at least post my progress for the day.

1. water at 3 liters
2. 25 minutes of walking (to get my check, to cash my check, to the restaurant for lunch  

Food, well I blew it again.  I stressed out over work, and not being able to find some important papers, and I turned to chocolate.  I'll do better tomorrow.  At least I tried to minimize the damage.

Tonight, I'm exhausted.  It's time for bed.

Laterness & g'night.

April 12, Thursday

First off, What I Did Right Today (aka being DIRTy for my OOT friends)

1.  Water over 3 liters
2. 10 minute walk
3. Food actually on plan

Otherwise, it's been a day and a week.  I'm exhausted and have a ton of research to do.  I need to find a way to get financing to buy a house.  And my credit is in the drain.

Thinking I might go to bed early.  The book isn't open on my computer tonight, and I'm not prepared to open it, not tonight.  I've got some stuff to do.

I've also got some short stories running around in my head, and I need to get them on paper soon.

Laterness & g'night.

April 11, Wednesday Pt 2

After saying I was going to bed soon, I started reading Transformation Road again. I couldn't put the book down (or rather my laptop since I have it on Kindle for PC).

I couldn't put it down until he started getting into some of the reasons... Talking about feeling like a failure and being harder on himself than anyone else... Yea that sounds familiar - and more. I started to shake as I was reading it and decided it was enough for now.

It sounds like I am going to have to do some of the mental work I didn't do last year when I lost my first 50 lbs. Yes, weight loss is calories in/calories out, or simply eat less and exercise more. Simple it is, easy its not.

Maybe its time for my own steel curtain zone - or calorie bank and trust. I'm working on it, and am getting where I need to be. I will do it and start losing again by my birthday.

April 11, Wednesday

Thank goodness it's hump day.  I so need this week to go away.  It's just been really hard.  Today was awful.  We have an issue that's coming up, and every suggestion I made, the boss shot down.  She didn't even read what we were told about the government agency we deal with.  It was kinda funny actually.  BUT whatever.

Still no word on whether I actually have a job or not.  With some prompting from my sister, I'm going to go against the comfortable and call the other job I interviewed for.  I haven't heard anything, and they called me in to do a background check over a month ago.

What I did right today:

1. 3 liters of water

Food was much better today.  I didn't do a walk, but will do so tomorrow.  Today I was just too stressed, so instead I ate in the break room and read.  Not relaxing enough.  Walking is much better.

Still reading Transformation Road as well, but probably not for much longer tonight.  I'm exhausted, there was a thunderstorm last night, about 4:30 am or so.  Both kids came running into the bedroom complaining they were scared.

Laterness & g'night.

April 10, Tuesday

What I did right today:

1. 15 minute walk on the treadmill @ 3.2 mph
2. more than 3 liters of plain water

Food was closer to right today.  Everything was on plan until dinner, and even that I kept the portions controlled.  Strictly controlled.

Overall, I'd say this was a decent day.  I need to start journaling my food so I can put it in SparkPeople or something.   It'd be nice if I had a phone that I could download an app to do it, but ... right now my Blackberry won't handle it. 

I do have blank books I can use to journal.  I got a bunch of them on clearance when I worked for Michael's.  Clearance and I think I might have gotten my discount on top of that.  It was right around Christmas and they had some really good deals where I got my discount on everything, including sale prices.

Started reading Transformation Road by Sean Anderson.  It's given me food for thought, and I'm only on chapter 5.  It also reminded me of a lot I didn't deal with in school.  Bullying is hard to deal with, especially when someone slams your fingers in your locker.

One of these days I'll journal that too.  Probably not on my blog, it'd be boring.  Like this isn't ;)

Laterness & g'night.

April 9, Monday

Probably not going to be up much longer.  I'm just not feeling it tonight.

Food was great, right up until dinner.  We had birthday cake for my girl and I lost control.  I ate two pieces.  Ugh, I feel sick just thinking about it.

I guess I'm just going to go take a melatonin pill, read for a bit then get some sleep.  My brain has been fuzzy, and I can't figure out why it's so hard to concentrate.  Maybe I truly just need more sleep.  I've gone for years on 7 hours, until I started the paper route in 2009.  Maybe the paper route messed up my sleep needs.  Who knows.

Water was great at least.  I didn't get the treadmill, for a stupid reason.  I forgot to bring a change of clothes. 

Anyway, not sure what to do about the fuzzy thoughts. I'm trying more sleep.  Less stress just isn't going to happen.

No word from my Marine, and it's been 2 weeks.  Blah

Laterness & g'night.

April 8, Sunday

So I've noticed something.  I haven't wanted to go to sleep lately.  Ever since my son, my Marine messaged me that he was leaving on patrol.  I don't know why I can't seem to trust that if something happens I'll hear about it. 

With the lack of sleep comes depression.  Not the minor 'I'm sad' type feeling.  The full-blown 'I can barely focus and really don't have any energy to do anything except read' type feeling.  Only I've been working for 2 months and I'm no closer to having a job.  I've done 2 interviews with 2 different companies (for a total of 4 interviews) and haven't heard anything about either of the jobs.  And the temp agency doesn't offer insurance.

I've been taking Sam-E, and a Super B Complex.  Things that have helped in the past.  Instead, I'm exhausted all the time.  I live on coffee at work and can still barely focus.

I got really snappish today.  I've had so many times of being told what to do because I don't do things like everyone else does, or hearing the grandparents fight in the other room, knowing what stress it's putting on them for us to live here.

I know this is just because of how I react to negativity, but it's not making it any easier.

When I said something to the grandmother about having trouble focusing, her response was to go to bed earlier.  That's her answer to pretty much anything I say about not feeling well.  Except I only really need 7 hours of sleep normally.  The nightmares are stealing my sleep.

I'm going to try for adding real exercise tomorrow, though I did get a half hour walk in today.  It was the only way to bring balance back.  I stopped, grabbed a tree branch hanging down on the road, and just felt something running from the tree through my feet to the ground.  It could just have been my blood pumping too. 

I watched what I ate today, other than coffee with sugar in it since I couldn't get sugar free where I was.  Tomorrow will start with the exercise.  Even if it means setting the speed to 3 and walking the whole time, I'm heading for 20 minutes on the treadmill.

It's getting toward 10 and I still need to take out my contacts and take a melatonin pill and read for a few minutes.  Laterness & g'night.

April 2, Monday

I think the days are going to get very long, especially if I get this job. When I was asked in, it was because someone was taking medical leave. That person is back, and I'm not sure if she's upset - she's friends with the person who quit. Whatever, I'll get through it.

Its now Tuesday, I'm going to hit send and then write my update for today.

March 29, Thursday

It's been a long week. The Marine messaged me this week and said he was going to be away for a few days, which means he's out on patrol somewhere in Afghanistan.

Then hubby's cousin, who joined the Army last Spring/Summer got out of the Army.  Apparently the Army is downsizing.  That'll be great for our economy.  I'm sure he'll just go back and live with his parents.

We checked out a new place near work today.  They offer Herbalife shakes.  Their lunch special is a meal replacement shake and an energy tea for $6.

We're hoping to get into a house soon, but with the state of our credit, I'm not sure we'll be able to get approved for the loan.  So now all I can do is pray that we can find someone that'll work with us. 

I need to get into my own place so I can get back to eating regular food.  My weight is creeping back down finally, but geesh, I miss my fruits and veggies.  I've been craving a strawberry smoothie.

Was falling asleep on the couch earlier, so I'm going to close this.

Laterness & g'night.

March 22, Thursday

So after a night's sleep, I figured out my problem. I just need to come up with a solution - how do you change being socially awkward? I think it even comes across in my blog as much as it does in real life.

I'm tired again, but otherwise just taking things one step at a time. I'm already more than half done my water for the day. I took extra vitamin D since strep is going around the office and I don't have money for the doctor. But I'm also taking a probiotic to help my stomach. After 2 years, I'm feeling a bit better - this is supposed to help me stay regular too, a problem now that I'm not on my thyroid medication.

The above was written on Wednesday, I had to bring the boy to the hospital - he had croup. Then last night I was still too tired to think much, so I forgot to send it. I'll post more later.

March 20, Tuesday

So the church called and asked me to put together something about my Marine. They want to put it in the monthly newsletter. I'm going to steal his pic off his dad's Facebook page, but I'm at a loss on what to say.

After emailing my sister, I came up with a blurb to give them.

I'm emotional and hurt about someone I thought was a friend. She posted something that I felt was uncalled for to one of my Facebook status updates, so I deleted the comment. Now she's blocked me on Facebook. I guess she wasn't much of a friend, but it still hurts. I don't make friends very easily. I'm just not the type I guess...

Tuesday, March 13

Another day where I drank almost enough water (I had about 8 oz left of the 3 liter bottle I've been filling), but that plus the other fluids puts me over 128 oz.

Food was good.  I had part of an awesome lasagna for lunch.  It was made with whole grain noodles, plus lots of veggies, eggplant, squash, black olives, and only a bit of ground turkey.  Someone at work made it for herself, and her husband, but her husband is out of town for the week and she has so much of it she's sick of it.  I've got enough for at least one more day.

I even went for a walk this morning. 

My mind is going circles about my Marine, but I'll get through it.  One step at a time.

It's also been rough at home right now.  His grandparents are growing tired of the company I think, and constantly criticizing everything we do.  Hubby went to go get gas, and I heard a comment about how he's wasting gas running here and there.  Only the closest place to get gas when he's delivering papers is on the other side of town.  It's better to do it now. 

One step at a time there too.  I can only do this with grace.  That's all anyone can do it with, God's grace.

I guess I'm going to watch a movie, then go to bed.  Laterness & g'night.

Monday, March 12

So I'm a big disappointment to my sister again.  I'm trying to figure out how to make it up to her.  Today is my nephew's birthday, and I forgot to send out a card... again.  I texted her tonight to tell her give him a hug and say I wish him a happy birthday, but I know that wasn't enough. 

Food was on plan today.  I didn't binge on anything.  I drank almost a gallon of water (if you count all the coffee, I drank over a gallon of fluids).

Exercise didn't happen.  I've got a bunch of stuff I need to do to get my writing going, and I can't do it and walk at lunch.  I need to find another alternative.

It's been a day.  The truck broke down... again.  Two weeks ago, his compressor seized.  Today, he threw a ball joint when turning around.  He thought it was his suspension.  You know it's bad when the tow truck driver pulls up and says 'I know this truck.  Didn't I tow you about 2 weeks ago?'

We've got a bit of a cushion, and it's not going to be much to fix the truck.    But I've got stress hives.  This living with someone else is the pits.  I was cuddling with my daughter this morning, about 10 minutes before 7.  I was told it was almost 7, didn't she need to eat?  Uhh I don't feed her until 7, the time before is for cuddles and to finish getting ready except for eating.

Then it was the boy wouldn't stop coughing, and 'I don't know what his mama is thinking bringing him to daycare.'  Except he's having an allergy attack because the trees are already flowering this year.  The coughing is from his allergies, and will stop as soon as his Zyrtec kicks in, another 2 or 3 days.  Until then, he's miserable and coughing, but not actually sick.  I can't stay home with him, and I'm not relying on 2 cranky 80+ year olds to watch him even if daddy is asleep in the other room.

I've got money saved, I"m just slowly nearing the end of my patience.  And then my Marine calls me tonight.  He's heading out on Saturday.  I knew yesterday at church that it was going to be this week.  I just hope that not everything that went through my mind is going to come true.  If so, maybe I need to take out some life insurance on my husband. :P

I keep repeating to myself, if God brings me to it, he will bring me through it.  Now I just need to take it day by day, and walk in faith.

And find a birthday gift to send to my nephew that makes up for not sending out a card early enough to get it to him.

Laterness & g'night.

Sunday, March 11

I've decided that my blog is boring.  I don't stir up shit like other bloggers.  I spend a lot of time whining about crap that I do to myself.  It's a train wreck in progress.

My weight was at 198 last week, finally heading in the right direction... until I binged halfway through the week.  I was wanting something, and kept eating other things to make the craving go away.  It didn't work.  Funny, I bought what I was craving, and I was able to eat normally the rest of the week.  Lesson learned. 

I also did some major reading.  I figured out part of my problem, but it's all mindset.  I was happy in FL, so I was able to maintain, though I didn't lose any more.  Here.. not so much.  I've decided that I'm changing my mind.  I am happy here.  I've got a healthy family.  We've got jobs.  I've got a place to live.  Life is sweet.

My weight is going to start going in the right direction because I have a plan.  I need to be happy for the kids.  I want to be at goal weight by the time my Marine gets back from Afghanistan in October.  I can do it.  I just need to focus.

In the meantime, I playing with my relationship status on Facebook to see who's paying attention.  LOL  I just changed my husband's, tomorrow I'll change mine.

I forgot to hit post last night.  So laterness.

Monday, March 5

I didn't mean to disappear.  First I got sick and kept falling asleep on the couch when I was trying to post.  Then I went to FL to see my Marine, and had to deal with the mixture of emotions that brought up.  Then I came back, and still kept falling asleep at the keyboard.  It's been a long 2 weeks.

I had a job interview in January/February, and thought I did well in the interview, but they hired someone else. Except the other person quit after a very short time, and I was called back for another 'interview.' Where I didn't really interview, just refresh my memory on things, and their memories on things.  I then filled out a paper for a background check.  If I pass that, I'll get a job offer.

Plus, I've been offered my old job back.  I found out last week that my boss doesn't have the final say over who gets hired.  This is the same boss that I was getting frustrated with before I left Enid.  So I may or may not get offered that job.

From no full time job offers for 7 months to 2 possible pending offers.  If I had any doubt that I needed to come back to Enid, I guess that clears those doubts.  I just wish I could see my family more often.  I miss them, though not as much as I did last June.

Now if only we could find a place to live that wasn't with family... That'll be next on my prayer list.

In the meantime... with all the stress of the last 2 weeks, I did the wrong thing.  I was binge eating, and my weight showed it.  I went back up to 200 lbs.  BUT I brought myself back under control last week.  I was too weak to exercise for more than 13 minutes, BUT I watched what I ate.  My weight went from 200.0 to 198.0 Lbs.  That's heading back in the right direction.

I'm going to focus on keeping up with it over the next couple of weeks, and see if I can at least get back down to the 190 I saw when I was in FL.

I'm tired and should get some sleep.  Laterness & g'night.

Wednesday, February 22

So the grandparents tried to say I need to postpone my trip to see my Marine because I'm sick. Only I can't because there's only a limited time he'll be on leave.

So I got extra sleep last night, and though I had an earache this morning, I'm feeling better. I'm also loading up on both C and D.

I'm not getting exercise today, at least not formal exercise. I've got too much work to do to take much of a lunch. I'm stressing out over this, but I'll get through it.

As a dear friend reminded me tonight, one day/step at a time. And right now, its time for bed. Laterness & g'night

Tuesday, February 21

I started writing this yesterday, but forgot to post it. Here goes.

I think my scales need a new battery. LOL stepped on them this morning and they showed 163.4 then flashed a bunch of horizontal lines like 'EEE' without the vertical lines.

I woke up with a humdinger of a sinus headache this morning. Plus I have a earaches on both sides. I've taken something, but my stomach isn't happy with it yer because I haven't eaten.

And of course, now that I've eaten, the headache still hasn't gone away.

Monday, February 20

I only managed 15 minutes on the treadmill today, but I forced myself to do intervals.  Water was on plan, and food was good too. 

The hardest part was staying away from the vending machine, but I did it except for the can of diet soda I had at lunch.  Yea, I know, it's bad for me.  The coffee had been gone and I needed the caffeine for the afternoon.

Anyway, the plan is to string together a week of these days.  Then two weeks, then ... well the same thing I did when I lost the first 50 lbs.  Only I know the last 50 are going to be more difficult to get off.  Especially until I get into my own place and can control my own meal menu.  I'm looking forward to my smoothies again.

Laterness & g'night.

Sunday, February 19

I think I'm going to change my weigh-ins to Monday morning.  It seems that's the day that goes more smoothly for me while we're living with hubby's grandparents.  Especially since we're doing a paper route again.

Food today wasn't too bad.  I have the same plan in place as last week... at least until my freezer-burned carrots are gone.  I gotta remember not to buy them at that particular grocery store next time. 

I've got my exercise clothes at work, and don't have an excuse as to why I don't go downstairs.

It's about 10 pm, and I'm seriously thinking it's bed time.  Not because I'm very tired, but just because.  Maybe I'll try to read a bit first, possibly upload some pictures to Snapfish and order them from Walgreens to give to my Marine when I see him on Friday.

I think that's all of my post for tonight.  I'm not depressed, just not much to say.  I so need to get back to writing, but I'm still taking that copywriting course.

Laterness & g'night.

Saturday, February 18

Today, I went in to work for about 4.5 hours.  Which is good, since I'll be missing a whole day on Friday.  I'm getting excited about that.

Well, kinda.  You see, my 20 year old is going to be deployed next month.  So he gets time off to visit family before he goes.  He decided to go to Florida and will be staying with my sister.

I'll get there 7 pm Friday and will leave at 7 am Sunday.  Short, short trip.  To visit someone that I miss more than I can say... but I'm his mom, and I need to let him grow up.  He's one of the few that gets my sense of humor, even my family doesn't.  But since I was a single mom, he became a mini-me in many ways.  Which drove his father crazy. 

I don't feel too bad about his father being upset about it... after all, I left because I was being abused.  In every way that you can think of.  Sexually, emotionally, verbally, physically... I'm still recovering, and I still have self-esteem issues from it.  Just some residuals that I'm working at giving away once and for all. 

I don't hate my ex though, it's not worth it.  I feel bad for him, and a part of me still cares about him and wishes him the best.  I also think he's a crappy father, but that's another story entirely.

Our son invited him to:
   His high school graduation - can't come, it's the same weekend as commencement at work (he works for the University of Vermont), and he can't get time off
    His boot camp graduation - can't come, something else is happening on campus and he can't get time off.

I had no money for the second, but got help from family and a very dear friend who I owe a lot to... and I made it there.

I'm going to miss my 20 year old while he's in the mid-east, and I'm sure I'm going to cry a whole lot while he's gone.  But I'm still proud of him, and will spend every day praying for him until he comes home.  I hope by then I'll be back in Florida permanently, so I can see him more often.  That's why I have to focus on the writing, where I know I can make the money.

Thursday, February 16

I've been told I think too much, and maybe I do.  Sometimes I think I don't think enough.  You may wonder why I say such a thing.  I realized today that I don't think enough about how my actions look to those around me.  I want to be an example of a good Christian.  I want to be someone that people say good things about.  And they do, sometimes.  Other times, I find out something that I wish I didn't know...

I've been trying to save emails from the person who quit at work.  But since she had so many emails, I was trying to delete the personal ones before I saved them all to disk.  I'm already on the 3rd CD, and I'm only about 2/3 of the way done.  So... though I wasn't trying to snoop, I ended up doing so to be sure that I got anything that might get someone else in trouble.

The person who quit... I considered her one of my closest friends.  Only, I found when deleting her personal emails that she didn't really think the same of me.  Or maybe it was just that she didn't like things I did.  She saw them in a different light than I did. 

It bothers me, but I'm not mad, just... sad.  I'm trying to figure out if it's something that I feel I need to change.  If I do, I'll change.  If not, well... I don't have any fewer friends than I did before I found all this out. 

One thing I do need to consider, she said I am/was lazy. I see parts of what she was talking about.  That and my attitude sometimes toward work.  It's something that I'm going to work on (pun not intended). 

Anyway, food was good today.  Lunch was a turkey sandwich with steamed carrots and spray butter.  Snack was a banana.  Water was almost a gallon, and breakfast was what I had planned as well.  Other than being sad, and not getting my walk in this afternoon like I had planned, all went well.

Laterness & g'night.

Wednesday, February 15

I'm slowly getting back in the swing if things at work. Now I just need to get the eating portion under control.

TOM is getting to me tonight, so headed to bed. I need to get back to eating more dairy to help with the cramps :(

Laterness & g'night.

Sunday, February 12

The plan had been to weigh in this morning to face the music, but events just didn't let that happen. My son insisted on me taking a bite of his breakfast, and I don't eat before I weigh. I'll weigh tomorrow moening, but I have a plan in place already. Exercise wear, a pkg of baby wipes, and healthy food to supplement what I'm bringing for lunch. The only thing I didn't get was yogurt.

Tomorrow is a funeral at church. The second death since the beginning of the year. The second time its been someone raising kids under 18. So sad...

Laterness & g'night.

Saturday, February 11

Good bye to Whitney Houston.  She may not have been much in the public eye lately, but her voice was something else.  R.I.P.

Figures, she died on an ex's 40th birthday.  LOL. 

I suspect my weight is going to be up tomorrow, and I have no one to blame but myself.  I've been wallowing in the stress instead of dealing with it in a smart way.  I've been eating things I shouldn't.  I haven't been exercising.  I haven't gotten enough water.  I'm feeling like crap, and there's a reason for it.

That said, it's all my fault.  No one else's.  I've seen people who use the excuse that their spouse is to blame.  Nope.  My husband isn't the one who pushed the food into my mouth.  Did he buy it if I asked, yes.  It's not his job to control my eating, it's mine.

That said, my goal is to buy a bit of food this weekend for the week at work.  I can get myself something for breakfasts.  I can get veggies to add to my lunches.  I will be getting gum to control my cravings.  I will be getting a gallon pitcher to put at my desk to be sure I drink enough water.  I will also be looking at exercise clothing somewhere so I can go down and workout on the treadmill.  We aren't supposed to wear jeans any more, and I can't really work out in dress slacks and heels. 

I'm thinking spray butter and bagel thins for breakfast.  A bit of peanut butter would give me some protein.  I'll have to check the calories, though if I can keep the amount of peanut butter down, it'd keep it around 200 calories for breakfast.  The spray butter would work well with steamed veggies for lunch too.  I'll be bringing sandwiches from home, but will need something else.  Maybe yogurt and bananas as well for a snack. 

I think that's what I'll do for the first week.  After that, I'll mix it up.  I'll get a different fruit for the morning snack, a different yogurt.  Maybe something different for breakfast.  I can't plan dinner, but I can keep that light.  And exercise at least 3 days this week.  Preferably at least 4.

Gotta get some sleep before I get lectured about needing to go to bed.  I keep reminding myself I'm lucky we have a place to live.

Sunday, February 5

It's been a long week.  I forgot how much that job takes out of me.  I started remembering a lot of things once I got started though.

Then, a friend & coworker of mine quit on Friday.  She had just had enough, and walked out.

I got offered her job, but put off answering until tomorrow because I was hoping it'd blow over.  She messaged me on Facebook this weekend, asking me to get her personal items and bring them to her or set up a time to meet her.  So it doesn't sound like she's going to go back.  I guess this means I have my old job back.

I have mixed feelings about it, but she's a big girl and can make her own decisions. 

Last week, my weight was up.  I think part of it was because I was blocked up.

This week, I'm down 2.6 lbs from last week, almost as low as my lowest the week before.  It's all good.  I'm doing better at watching what I eat, and I bought a bunch of food for my lunches since I'm generally stuck with what the husband's grandparents have in the house, and I'm not at all happy with those choices.

Anyway, spent much of the last hour going over a copywriting course I took since I found some major gaps in my knowledge of copywriting terms.  So now, I'm going to get some sleep.

Pray for me/wish me luck for tomorrow.  I go in and tell them I'll take the job.  At least it'll end up making more than I was before, and there are some changes that happened that will make it a bit easier to deal with.  Like the manager finally reached a point where she couldn't please the person above her, so she tried to quit.  She's still in the department, but no longer the manager. 

Laterness & g'night.

Saturday, January 28

I'm really supposed to be writing, but figured I'd post a quick update.  I've figured a few things out the last couple of days...

I've been getting dizzy a lot lately when I stand up, no matter how slowly I stand up.  I finally took my blood pressure at Walmart.  I know it's not entirely accurate, but each time I've taken it in the last few days, it's been ~95/65.  I know I tend to have low blood pressure, this just proves it.  The problem is, I don't have any money for the doctor.  I'm wondering if it's related to being off my (low) dose of the thyroid meds.  I know I'm having problems with regularity, which I tend to have no matter how much water I drink and fiber I eat, and that gets better on the thyroid meds too.

Anyway, I need to get this written because I have a huge assignment to work on for a job application.

Laterness & g'night.

Wednesday, January 25

My world is upside down.  My life is going to suck for awhile, but I guess that's just my life.  I got a call from my old boss today asking if they've hired me for the other job yet.  Obviously I said no, since I haven't heard from anyone.  She asked me to come in for 6 - 8 weeks to help while someone is on medical leave. 

So, Monday I start back to my old job.  I'm so NOT looking forward to it, but I need a job.  I know I'm going to make about $3 less an hour than I did when I was working there because they're going to hire me through a temp agency.  What fun.

My 2nd day of morning devotionals, and another mixed day.  I got a lecture from the grandmother about working and how I need a job, and I ended up in tears.  I guess I just need to let it all slide right now.  She says she's worried that once the house up the street is available, we won't be able to afford it and they 'can't do everything.'  She doesn't understand that if it's not God's plan for us, it won't happen.  I'm doing everything I can and leaving the rest to Him.

So far this week, I haven't missed a day walking at the mall.  I've been watching what I eat the best I can and just trying to get through it all.  Water is better today.

I may be back later today.  If not, laterness & g'night.

Tuesday, January 24

I had a job interview today for a Help Desk position with a fairly large company here.  Not the company I used to work for, and I totally like what the guy said today about how this company expands.  Only one problem...

About 2 hours before my interview, my Marine texted me.  He needed my current address to be able to set up power of attorney for himself.  He's going to be deployed in March, and I will have limited power of attorney to keep track of things while he's gone.  Like registering his vehicle, or if his stuff needs to be moved for an unforeseen reason.  Great.  Ok, I can take this, I knew he was going to be deployed to Afghanistan in March.

Then he breaks the news to me, he's not a computer tech for the Marines right now, he's an MP.  Apparently the commander didn't like that my Marine was married to one of the (female) radio operators in the same office where my Marine should be working.  They're separated and possibly getting divorced right now, but the commander wanted them working in different areas.  So my Marine is now an MP, and will be an MP in Afghanistan.

Momma's not happy.  In fact, I'm still a bit weepy about the whole situation.  I'll bet you can see where this is going, right?  Yea, the job interview consisted of me getting weepy, explaining why to the guy I was interviewing with (thankfully retired Army, so he understood).  The rest of my interview has been rescheduled for next Tuesday.

I'm feeling miserable today anyway, more and more like we're in the way here at the grandparents house.  My husband is feeling this way too tonight, so I'm not the only one.  But we're supposed to be buying a house, and the person isn't planning on selling it til April, so we're stuck unless we want to rent a cheap trailer somewhere.  Even then, I need a job to be able to pay off the other utilities so we can afford to get them turned on anywhere.

We did get offered a paper route today.  Hubby works for the local newspaper in the mail room, and he used to deliver this route.  The woman who took it over isn't able to do it any more.  The grandparents think we shouldn't take it because gas prices are $3.04 a gallon, but it's only 1.5 hours a day, and it's more money coming in with his hours being cut.  We'll make a bit less than we were when we did the route before, but that's the nature of paper routes.  When we did it before, gas prices were closer to $3.40, so I think it'll work out.

So, I sit here nauseous.  Miserable.  Upset.  And wondering where the upbeat part of me went.  The one that thought I'd be able to get through anything (and I know I will.. one step at a time, I just don't feel like it right now).

I want chocolate, but I'm not letting myself have any.  I know I'll get through this, I'm just miserable and depressed.

Laterness & g'night.

Sunday, January 22

So the scale went down more this week.  I'm not feeling like I did well enough, but I'll take the almost 2 lbs I'm down.

I'm borderline depressed tonight, just a lot of little things going on. 

Someone at church died this week of a massive stroke.  She was 57 and raising 2 of her grandchildren.

The pastor's mother in law at the church I went to in FL is having problems.  She had a bypass done last week.  Tonight, the pastor's wife got a call that her mom's heartbeat is irregular, and she needs to see a cardiologist tomorrow.

If you pray, I know both families would really appreciate it.

I'm not feeling well tonight, I'm nauseous.  As soon as I can get my article rewritten, I'll go to bed and see if sleep helps.  I took a nap this afternoon, but it just left me feeling tired.

Anyway, that's it for tonight.  Laterness & g'night.

Saturday, January 21

Still putting one foot in front of  the other.  I'm trying to focus on my water this week since I did get exercise in - even though I was cramping so badly yesterday that it hurt to walk.  Wednesday my hip hurt from sleeping on the beds we have here.  It's just been a crappy week, but I exercised anyway.

Food has been light, even though the grandfather just harps on me about what I'm eating.  Geesh, if I choose to skip the gravy, let me be already.  I go easy on the meat, and he assumes it's because I don't like what's for dinner.  It's a fine line I'm trying to walk, that's for sure.  I'm doing well, though or at least I think I am.

I need to get some writing done.  We're pretty desperate for money right now, and Justin's hours have been cut - of course, let's just see how rough we can have things.  I'm getting so discouraged.  We have less than $50 to get us through until payday on Friday, and his check won't cover everything we need to pay and still get us through until the next paycheck.

Thursday, January 19

I'm feeling miserable tonight.  For some reason, TOM is hitting harder this month than it has in awhile.  Maybe because I haven't been eating as much dairy as usual? 

Otherwise, I've been for walks 3 days this week, so I'm just plugging along.  We'll see what happens Sunday.  I am focusing on the food this week.

Monday, January 16

Weigh in yesterday has me down about 0.5 lb since last week.  I knew I needed to try harder, and this just proves it.  On the other hand, TOM is coming soon too, and I know I'm retaining water.  It'll work out.  My goal is 13 lbs by the end of march, and I'm down a total of 3 since the beginning of the year. 

I've also added my BMI to my weight bar at the top.

Today's exercise was running around the circle driveway about 10 times.  Not a big driveway, but that was close to a mile, and at least one time around I ran instead of walking.

There's a lot going on right now, and I'm having trouble processing everything.  I've now got ideas for 2 fiction books rolling around in my head, and I'm still trying to figure out what to do to look for a job.  I'm tempted to go to Kickstarter, but don't know what to offer as a prize for those who support me.  I'm thinking about entering a writing contest, but I have 2 weeks to write the first 3 chapters.  In the meantime, I have 2 hours to write an article about Grooveshark.