Questions

So how do you know what direction to take at a crossroad? How do you decide when your emotions are torn? How do you figure out what to do without breaking a promise made when you thought the situation wouldn't come up? (If THIS then THAT)

My mind is blank and I'm indecisive on what to do. On the one hand, I am working 2 jobs, on the other, they don't add up to 40 hours, and the pay really sucks.

That Deep Dark Hole

Well, I started this post last night thinking about a few things I was going through 20 years ago that I needed to get aired out so I could finally put everything behind me.

Then things got worse today.  I've fallen into a deep dark hole.

I have to move back to Oklahoma, there's no 2 ways about it.

Why is a long story.  Whether I'll see my family again before my nephew is 18 is a question.  I couldn't make it for my grandfather's wake, my uncle's funeral, my grandmother's funeral.... now I don't know if I'll ever see my family again.

Guess that's just how life is going to go for me.  From one sucky situation to another.

Please excuse me while I go cry some more.  I can't even get my makeup on to go to Michael's.  I'm going to have to stop crying so I can get it on.  I have to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay.

Decisions Determine Destiny

I just read something that attributes this to someone named Frederick Speakman, but it's so true.

My decision to change my eating pattern back to what I was doing that worked will determine my destiny in my weight loss.

My decision to focus on getting my website up and running with writing samples will determine my writing destiny - and how easy it'll be for me to apply for writing jobs.

My decision to put on sneakers later and go for a walk will determine whether I get the exercise I should be getting today.

My decision to work on Thanksgiving will determine whether I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family - looks like I probably won't get much time with them - if at all.  Plus, it's going to be a very long day leaving the house at 6:30 am for one job and not getting home from the 2nd until after 10:30 pm.  I'm so not looking forward to that!

My decision to move to Florida has done all sorts of things for my destiny as well.  I haven't figured those out yet, but I'll get there.

water is on track
food isn't great... need to start back to that...
exercise will happen after I finish this writing assignment, unless it's time to get the kids.  Then I'll figure out how to go for a walk later.  I'll be walking to get the kids, but want to get more than that.

Friday, Nov 11

After a long week, I'm so glad to see Friday. I watched what I ate last night, and woke up hungry. Score one for me. On the other hand I ate too much for lunch, so I need to focus on that today. Portions are a problem when you don't bring your own food, and are only around microwave meals. I think I'll keep a salad and a bowl of fruit out and start with that... The rest need to go to the vending machines.

Actually that sounds like a good lunch, a chicken Ceasar salad and a bowl of pineapple and grapes.

Otherwise its a blah day, and I'd rather be home... But I'll get through it. Tomorrow I work at Michael's and Sunday is a birthday party for a grand-neice. Its my littlest's birthday, but I can't afford a big party, so we're doing pizza, cake and ice cream I think on Monday. At least pizza... I won't have bought him a gift, but my sister and mother will, so its all good. Now if I could only get daddy here.. Soon I hope. He's working a lot of hours right now, so we should have the money soon.

I guess I'll close this for now. I really need to journal...

Nov 10, Thurs

Taking yesterday off helped me feel better at least. I took a nap and woke up feeling more rested than I have in a long time. I spent time reading as well... Of course, I figured out that person's trick. She ends her books in mid-air, and then I'm eager to read the next one to figure out what happens next.

I need to get more writing done. My goal is modest - 600 to 700 words a day. I should do higher, but aiming too high won't do me any good.

My next goal is to watch what I eat better. I was doing well, but not so much the last week. Its like seeing 189 on the scale gave me license to eat. The problem is, I can't eat what I want while living with my parents. They have some of the food I need, but I'm expected to eat what they do... Part of it is what my nephew will eat, but mom needs to eat more that'll help bring her cholesterol down, and more fresh veggies.

But I can't do more than make suggestions, she's old enough to make her own decisions.

Exercise will be okay today, and I'll watch my water... So food is the important one. Always was. One of these days I need to start reading Sean's blog from the start.

Anyway we have trips to Walmart and Target this morning, so I'm going to cut this short. I may need to post later to keep myself from stuffing my face.

Focus Makes Me Fabulous

I'm having a focus problem today.  I need to get at least 2 more articles done today, but I don't seem to want to pay attention to what I'm supposed to be doing.  So I figured I'd come here and blah blah blah a minute and see if that helps get everything out of my head.

I've got a bunch of articles outstanding on Textbroker, and I want to get 2 more done.  I'm giving myself tomorrow off if I can get them done today.  Well tomorrow off from trying to write for Textbroker.  Of course, I need to really focus on more writing, but I think I'll finish with my http://www.seocopywritingdesign.com website and get at least one blog post up on that.  I've got the post mostly written, I just need to fix a few things and then polish it off.  Sounds fun, huh?

I also need to get my web writing resume finished and put in a few applications.  I think if I can focus this afternoon I can do that easily tonight.  I want a nap still, but hey we can't have everything we want, otherwise I'd be living on my own already so I could totally control my eating.  Right now, I feel guilty and am going along with whatever mom suggests.  She's not big into eating the chicken every day even though she says she is.

My weight, it was 189.  I don't think I got enough water though, since it was 192 this morning and I know I haven't been eating THAT badly.  It's all good, as long as it's going down overall. 

Anyway, I can't seem to stop yawning, so I'm gonna try to get at least one article done, then maybe a nap before the other one and the research I need to do for my website.

Blogger

I've decided I can't stand the new blogger dashboard.  It's really confusing and not nearly as clean cut as the previous one.  But, now I don't see a message where I can change it back...

Sorry about the previous post, I hit send when I was writing notes for my writing.

Not feeling well tonight, I'm sick anyway.

Add in that I feel in the way.  And now Justin is talking about me moving back to OK.  After we spent so much money on moving here, and he hasn't even gotten here yet.  And I'm more tempted than I want to admit because my stepdad is making it seem like I'm in the way.  I a leather couch and love seat stacked in the garage.  And I have a dining table and chairs.  He decided that the chairs were in the way and threw them up on top of the couch/love seat.

And anything of ours needs to be in the room I share with the kids, nevermind that it's got 3 people living in it, it's not supposed to be in the main living area.  Not that he can see it, but if he finds anything it gets thrown on my bed.

Plus, I'm barely getting any hours for Michael's, partially because my sister is busy every weekend her partner is off work.  Otherwise, I'd be getting about 12 hours a week.  I need more than that.

I worked this week for a temp agency, but I'm supposed to input my hours online, and it's saying my email address - which should be my login - isn't valid.  Yea, there's 5 more hours I need to get paid for.

I'm sick and depressed and can't even bring myself to start gaming as an outlet because I have too much else to do.  So I sit and cry.

Speaking of which, I need to write.  Something other than general griping and whining.

Mumble, Mumble

So Blogger keeps crashing my Blackberry, so I can't post to my NaNoWriMo blog. I want to start my short story, so I'll have to figure something out. I just wish I could afford a newer phone. But then again I can't really afford much right now. I'm about $10 short on my cell bill still. So I need to do about $35 of writing for TB this week. I've been averaging $30 so I'll get there fairly easily. I do need to increase my writing income though, $50 average would be better.

I need to do some thinking about stuff. I'm not overthinking, its just that I need to evaluate the best way to get income since I'm having issues getting a job. At least another $200 a week would be ideal. More is always better. I've got my freelance resume done and at least one sample. I can rewrite another for a 2nd sample. I'll have to look for a 3rd.

My website needs finished and I need to rewrite the copy. I can do that a little at a time.

My weight is right at 189 even this morning. I'm not doing it all right every day, so I'm confused. I'm not complaining, but .... I know I could do a lot better. I am limited by what my mother buys for food, and a bit limited by what she makes for dinner. Her dinner is determined by what my nephew will eat... Its not what she should be eating for her high cholesterol.

But that's her choice. I need to focus on doing the best I can for myself.

If by Rudyard Kipling

    If you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too:
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
    Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

    If you can dream, and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think, and not make thoughts your aim,
    If you can meet with triumph and disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same:.
    If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
    And never breathe a word about your loss:
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch,
    If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much:
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
    Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

It's time to stop focusing on the negatives in my life of which there are many.  I'm here, I'm alive and I'm starting to focus.  Tomorrow I'll be back at 1200 calories, though I may not remember to weigh.  It'll depend on whether my girl is sick tomorrow since she was acting 'off' tonight. 

October 25, Wednesday

The last couple of days, my littlest has been sick.  He's been running a fever, he's been clingy.  We're still not covered by Medicaid because they're saying that I didn't send all the information.  Mom paid for me to bring him to Urgent Care, where they said he had a mild ear infection.

Ugh, I had a whole post written and lost it because Mom's internet went out momentarily.

I'm getting so discouraged.  I can't seem to get a job, I can't get Medicaid (or other insurance) for my kids, I am short on money and missing my husband.  How do I know whether this is what I'm supposed to have done if I can't get anything to work right? 

My weight, 190.6 lbs.  It's not changing.  I guess it's good it's not going up since my commitment hasn't been high enough lately, but it's also TOM and I'm a touch sick.

I'm discouraged in everything.  I just want to cry.

I guess I'd better get back to the article I'm writing.  750 more words and I'll then work on my website and copywriting resume.  Maybe I'll have better luck if I can get those done.

Monday, October 17

Stress...

The running joke is that stressed is desserts spelled backwards.  There's another point that I need to remember.

When I'm at my brother's warehouse and I'm overtired, my self-control is nil.  The week I decided I was fasting sweets, I stayed away from them.  Today... not so much.  I'll be walking to the daycare, which at least will get some movement in.  I'm at home the next couple of days, which means I can focus on eating right. 

I'll do what I can to make up for the crap today.  After that, well if I can manage to get a SNAP card, I'll buy a few groceries I need for my meal plan.  Mom can use the rest for foods for everyone, but we have no chicken.  The only bread we have is 130 calories a slice.  Dinner is leftovers, but I think I'm going to have cucumbers with a bit of dressing.  Maybe a light meal would be a good idea.  Oh yea, then I have to get busy writing so I can afford to pay my cell phone bill.  That's why I'm stressing, though don't ask me how crap food is going to help me pay my bill. 

Yesterday

After doing pretty well this week, I went off the deep end both figuratively and literally yesterday.  I worked the day for my brother in his warehouse, around all the junk food he sells in the vending machines.  And all I could think of doing is eating.

Why would I do this to myself you might ask?

I'm stressing over money.  The 2nd job I got.. yea, not so much.  I worked for 4 hours on Tuesday.  The next time I work is Saturday Oct 29th.  My sister was going to watch the kids, but she's out of town next weekend for her anniversary, so I have no sitter.  Therefore, I can't work.

When we finally get Justin on the road, it's going to cost at least $300 for him to get here.  He needs another $200 to register his car, and possibly another $100 to fix the dash so he can tell how fast he's going.  His speedometer doesn't work.  I need to do enough writing to pay our $115 phone bill, which means making another $75 or thereabouts in the next 2 weeks.

I'm not getting along very well with my stepdad.  There are just a few things he does that drive me crazy.  It wasn't so bad when he still had his sight, but now he's crankier than ever.  He had me in tears this morning with his attitude.

Yesterday, I went to make a peanut butter sandwich for the boy, and there was mayonnaise in the peanut butter jar.  Ick.  But my stepdad wouldn't admit that he got it there, instead he insisted the knife he used for peanut butter was clean.  Frequently, I can make something for the kids, and unless I say out loud it's for the kids, it's gone, eaten.  Like there's not enough food in the house.

There might not be the food I'm used to, but there is food in the house.

I guess I should work on my next writing assignment.  I have to do a bunch of research for it.  Maybe I should cancel and take a different one instead, one that takes less research because I know the subject.

Wednesday, October 12

Total calories today: 1468, but I got my gallon of water, and I walked the kids to the bus stop/daycare twice.  Well I walked there and back twice, once to drop off and once to pick up.  I carried the almost 3 year old most of the way.  Otherwise, I spent the day writing.

I got some of the stuff accomplished today that I needed to do.  I just need to get the last 4 - 50 word articles done before bed.  Tomorrow will be at least one more article, but I also need to mow the lawn and start on my daughter's dress that I'm sewing. 

I guess my post tonight is short.  I had something I was going to say, but it's escaping me now, so I guess I'll write it later.  I do need to weigh myself tomorrow to track how I'm doing.  My weight has fluctuated within a pound, since it's jumping around I know it's water weight, but it's not easy seeing how the scale is moving.

Tuesday, October 11

So, yesterday I should have put a part 2 on my second post.  Obviously I didn't, but it'll be fine.  It's not a duplicate, I promise.

I've got lots of writing to do today.  I got a direct order through Textbroker for 9 articles.  Oomph.  I'm working on the one I had taken before I got the direct orders, then I'll have to start on those and try to get done before Friday when I have to work at my brother's warehouse again.

Food, not great already today.  No excuses.  But, I had a telephone interview with FL DCF (Department of Children and Families).  I qualify for food stamps, even living with my parents.  I can have food that I eat here.  Like fruit and salads/fresh veggies.  Like my regular meals.  Food for my kids that they'll eat that aren't just Lunchables or peanut butter.  I hate asking my mother to buy a lot of food, but I need something different for my kids to eat.  I'm thinking pork & beans for them.  I'll have to take a trip through Walmart or Publix when I get the food stamps.  I just need to be sure that if I get something my nephew would like I get enough for him too.  I'll have to be careful because he eats more than my kids.

Justin's grandfather is doing much better.  He's been home from the hospital almost 2 weeks and is recovering nicely from his stroke.  I'm hoping we can get Justin here by the boy's 3rd birthday on Nov 13.  Right now it's a money issue.  Not having a job for as long as I've been here has really depleted our moving fund.

Anyway, I'm overwhelmed with work and have to leave around 12 to get to Michael's and get some information faxed to DCF.  I'll try to post later...

Monday, Oct 10

So tomorrow I start my 2nd job. I'm grateful I got another job so I'm working more than 20 hrs/week, but I'm worried about providing for my family. I'm feeling like I need to make more than Justin because I have the higher earning potential.

Then again, this job will give me the breathing room to start making a living from writing. Its retail, and busier for the holidays. I'll also be able to work toward making more. I'm not sure I'll get many hours after the first of the year.

I need the money right now, so this job is heaven sent.

My credit score is going up, though I need to get it up higher. All of the money I get after expenses will go to saving for first month/security deposit on a place for us.

I'm trying not to eat over this. My mother and sister think I should ask for help with daycare now that I'm over 20 hours on my off weeks. I just don't see a way to do it until the job is a bit more settled. I'm more interested in getting Medicaid set up for my kids - at least until the writing takes off.

I need to set up my NaNoWriMo blog. Its empty right now, so I'll set it up for updates via MMS like this one is.

Then I can spend some of my car riding time writing instead of just reading email. I'll start one story, then start a new one when I participate in NaNoWriMo. I want to do that this year.

Monday, Oct 10

Today was a friend's anniversary date, but he died in 2006. I can't remember what his wife's birthday is, but its also this month. I need to remember to wish her happy birthday on Facebook. I miss him a lot. He and I were close.

My weight hasn't budged since my weigh in 2 weeks ago. I'm eating enough to maintain, but not lose or gain. I need to change that. I know I didn't get enough water yesterday or Saturday either, so that probably didn't help. Today my focus is on my water intake and movement. The food needs to be less. I'm going to be sure to eat less too. I wonder if I can get a salad from my mother... She has a lot of them that haven't sold.

Salad and a tuna sandwich sound like a decent choice for lunch if I can get them. Otherwise, I'm not sure. We have Lean Cuisines but I'm not crazy about the chicken chow mein that is all he has right now.

Metamorphasis

For some reason, when thinking about using this as a blog title, the book by that name came to mind... I believe the original title is in French, since I was thinking the French 'Metamorphose'... But it may be German since the only author I can think of is Franz Kafka, who I believe is German, so now I'm going to have to look the book up tonight lol.

Princess said something on her blog about the butterfly and how its a symbol of rebirth - metamorphasis or change. That's my plan as well for the next 3 months. A metamorphasis. I want to rise from the ashes like a phoenix (tho not Fawkes).

Thinking about it now, I see the irony in JK Rowling naming a phoenix after a UK public figure - Guy Fawkes day, anyone? And burning bundles of sticks - once called faggots - now that word has a negative connotation.

My plan is to be transformed. To be different by Christmas. To become more myself. I'm finding myself more now that I'm not so stressed and unhappy. I forgot so much...

The depression that's been part of me for so long is gone. I'm sad that Justin is still in OK, but his grandparents need him - even if they sau they don't. I'm frustrated that money is so tight, but I'm working on that.

I even might have found a Tae Kwon Do school to go to. The pastor at my parents' church and his youngest son go there. Its inexpensive, which is good for now, and its Christian, so I don't have to worry that my daughter will be taught something other than what I believe. She's 2 years younger than my Marine was when I first started bringing him there for the discipline.

New Resolve

So Friday I kinda got hit with a thought that I should fast.  I'm looking for a job, I need a home other than with my parents, and I need my husband here in FL with me.  I need a lot, and I need ... something to ramp up my praying for this, since nothing else seems to be working, and I am focusing on not getting discouraged.

My resolve is that I'm going to fast something... a bad habit that I picked up when I started staying with my parents.  It got worse working with my brother.  I'm giving up sweets (which I should have done anyway, this is why my weight loss has gotten so slow) until I get what I need.  I'm going to spend more time praying. 

I know what I feel led to do, and it's not working outside the home.  BUT I'm not at a place where I can make a living with it.  Instead, I'm going to do a bunch of things.  I'm truly feeling like I'm going to end up with a job at Michael's doing craft stuff.  I'm not sure why I feel that way since I'm sure they have plenty who can do that.  I also foresee that I'll probably end up giving candlemaking and soapmaking classes.  I don't know quite how to explain that.  Then again, my hunches have been wrong... I had one the week before last where I just felt I had to have a phone that worked at the warehouse, and nothing ever came of it other than a call from my nephew just before my mom walked in.

So, I fast sweets (which is going to mean detox and it's going to be VERY hard), and I pray. 

Oh yea, and one more thing.  I found a Tae Kwon Do school.  I'm going to go check it out on Tuesday.  I might even be able to keep my brown belt.  My daughter needs to go as well, I think it'd be good for her.  I found it through my pastor at church, and it's a Christian TKD school, like the one I went to in Branson when I lived there.   I'm all excited about that.

One of Those Days

So, I forgot to weigh this morning.  It's all good.  It's been a difficult weekend with my 2 year old.  The kids at the daycare have been sick with a cough, and he's got it too.  So he's cranky.  In the mornings, I'm having to make his food and 'share' it with him.  So I ate a bit already and won't weigh after eating because it's just not going to be accurate compared to weighing on an empty stomach.

On the other hand, last week my weight was down.  Only 3.5 lbs for September, but I'm okay with it.  It's still going in the right direction, even if it's slow.  I think at this point, that makes it less than 15 minutes to get to being merely overweight instead of obese.

I've got a job interview tomorrow for Michael's.  Since I'm crafty, I'm looking forward to it.  I don't know what I'll be doing, but anything more than working for my brother will help.  I need the income.  I would love to be able to keep helping my brother too, but we'll see what happens.

I'm going to go make myself some oatmeal, because that's what I'm wanting.  I need to come up with a plan for breakfasts for the rest of the week.  I don't have much time on Monday, Thursday and Friday, and need to find something quick.  Maybe I should look for Dawn's (bbubblyb's)  protein bar recipe... but I'd have to buy the ingredients myself and I only have about $20 to get through until my next paycheck in 2 weeks after I pay daycare expenses and tithe... I hate when money is this tight... I only earn about $90 more than I pay in daycare expenses, Justin needed some of the money to get him through the week, and I had to buy big boy underwear for the 2 year old...

Through the fog there is hope in the

Distance

I had a big post written yesterday, but forgot to hit send. It was just one of those day, my car even started acting up on me. Its better today, so all is good.

On the other hand, my plan for food yesterday fell flat. I'm picking myself up and starting over again today. The scale isn't heading up, but its not going down either. I just need to sort through my feelings. I'm worried about Justin's grandfather, he had a stroke on Monday or Tuesday. Thank God, Justin is there to help his grandmother, but it just means he stays that much longer and I miss him so much.

Doing this parenting thing alone is not fun and I just need him around even if the kids weren't always crying for him. I've been tempted to eat because I'm lonely. I don't understand it, I've been single before and I never felt like this... Of course I had money to do things, and didn't have 2 young children who were always crying for someone else. Instead I had one who was mostly happy with being with me instead of his father.

Plus we've had a rough few years, and I'm still stressing over money. We spent too many years without enough money for basics. Its embarassing to have had to ask Justin's grandparents for a 'care package' of food, or money for gas. At least I should be able to make enough here... If I ever get another job. And he should be able to get something too, unlike where we were.

Weight this morning, 193.8 lbs. Right about the same as I've been weighing at. Yes, its up a bit from Saturday, but I think that's water weight from spending the day in my brother's truck. In the heat.

I'm at the warehouse, so I'm thinking about walking around the building. I'm wanting to fall asleep even with Puddle of Mudd blasting in my ears.

Wednesday

I have a job interview on Friday, hopefully something good comes of it.

I didn't weigh today, it was just one of those mornings, but my weight has been at 193.4 for the last 2 days, so I'm just going with that.

Today: 1380 calories
Exercise: 1 hr of mowing the lawn (sorry, with the way I sweat, that's exercise)
Water: 130 oz

A bit high on the calories, but otherwise not bad.  I'll let the calories slide today because of the sheer amount of exercise I got.  Tomorrow starts back to 1000 to 1200.

Laterness & g'night.

Don't leave me chasing dreams...

My weight this morning - 193.4 lbs.

I didn't eat so badly yesterday that I should have gained weight. Granted, TOM is coming up, but ...

Of course my dinner was too big. I shouldn't have eaten all of it. We'll see what it looks like tomorrow for my official weigh in. I'll be sure to eat lighter tonight. I'll be moving more today. I think it'll all work out. As long as I'm down from last week, its progress in the right direction.

I am tired now that I'm done work. I'm still going to have to walk with the kids tonight. No homework since its Friday.

Otherwise, I'll just have a light dinner of baked beans, and keep up with the water.

Ugh - drink up

So this morning, my weight was 192.2, up 0.4 lbs from yesterday, but I know I'm dehydrated. That always puts my weight up. Today I focus on getting more water.

At 10:30, I'm only on my 2nd bottle, I need to get at it. Time is just flying because every other Thursday is a shipment day, so we verify what we got against the invoice then put it away. I'll get at least 5 bottles today, I got 16 oz before I left the house, and I'll get at least 32 more oz once I get home tonight, so plenty of water.

The rest of this post is going to be a dumping ground for what's on my mind.

Today is going to be a less long day than yesterday, so that's good. I hate doing store resets, but it was money and we need that. I'm really second guessing myself about the move. I was so miserable with my job, and I missed my family, but we can't afford for me to be not working... Every time I think I may have a job, it doesn't work out. I'm so discouraged and feeling useless. I have a part time job with my brother, but that's it. Yes, I do write, but only doing $40 every 2 weeks isn't enough to make up for the amount I was making.

I keep talking about doing copywriting, but I don't know where to start. I have a website I go to about starting a copywriting business, but I'm so overwhelmed when I go there. Plus I have absolutely no self confidence. I worry I don't write well enough. I worry I won't be able to sell myself. I feel incapable of doing what I need to do.

So instead I'm tempted to eat. I fought that feeling again this morning. I was combining boxes of 2 different types of frozen danishes at the warehouse. I was tempted to pull one out and nuke it. I didn't because I knew I didn't need it, but then saw a box of chocolate covered granola bars and another of Pop Tarts. Yea, there's a lot of temptation at my brother's warehouse. Some items are more tempting that others.

Stress over money is big. Plus, dealing with family - oh my. I love my family, but they're driving me crazy. They're such strong Republicans, and I'm an Independent - my mom hates Obama. From what I can tell, so does my brother. They both blame him for everything the government does, including the FCC not allowing AT&T to buy T-Mobile. For that, my brother said Obama was anti-jobs.

My stepdad listens to Rush, and because I said that I thought Rush was a pompous blowhard, he started in that I must be for big government. That one still hurts.

I do think its becoming clear to my mother that I don't take anything at face value, and that I look in more than one source for my news. I can say both parties are wrong and give clear examples of why I think that. I pointed out to her that though AT&T said they'd create jobs if they bought T-Mobile, we have no way of knowing how they're counting the jobs of those who already work for T-Mobile. I also think that it'd be bad to let them buy out T-Mobile because they keep AT&T's prices in check.

Have I mentioned that I hate politics? Having it discussed more frequently stresses me out when I'm talking with most of my family since their beliefs are so different than mine.

Sometimes I wonder how I managed growing up in the family I did... I'm so different than they are - so is my sister... I'm different than she is too...
I've been thinking about a lot of things today. I got an email this morning from an old friend - someone I went to college with and was very close to, or at least we were close back then... I don't know how much he's changed. I know I have.

On top of that, I found out one of my sisters in law lost her baby yesterday. I have mixed feelings about it because he molested me when I was younger. I know now he's big into church, but I don't know if he'd do it again... How do you know that? How do you know it wasn't just experimentation because he was ~14 and learning about sex? It doesn't excuse what he did, but ... I don't know if he's really saved and has turned his life around or what. So I simply expressed my sympathy when mom told me today.

And of course hearing from my friend from college brought back those memories as well. I'm not sure how well I've dealt with everything, and he was there to help when the repressed memories started coming to the surface. My ex-dh (in this case damn) was there for part of it too, but he felt I should just put it behind me and I should forget all of it. How do you forget all of that?

I'm just a mess this week, but I think part of it is simply that I'm tired. And I've forgotten what I'm capable of. Tonight, I read part 1 of my 12 step roadmap for copywriting. I spend time with my kids to make up for being gone from 6:30 am to 8:15 pm. I'll write if I have time, otherwise I get some extra sleep and relax until I'm recovered from yesterday.

I may or may not post, depending on how I feel. So far, I'm at 3 bottles of water. I'll drink more when I get back to the warehouse. Lunch was too much and nasty, but I'll go light on dinner to make up for it.

Lesson Learned

Today I learned that I can't expect to do a full day of merchandising/store resets on 2 slices of toast with 1 tbsp of peanut butter, a cup of coffee with 2 tbsp of Coffee Mate, with a lunch of a Lean Cuisine and an apple.  About 4 I just ran out of steam. 

Since my weigh in this morning was at 191.8 (yesterday's was 192), I bought something I knew would bring my blood sugar up quickly, but now I regret the 750 calories.  Of course, that was my dinner too since I didn't get home until 8:30.  Not healthy, but I guess it's done now.

I only ended up with around 90 oz of water, plus the 20 oz of coffee and 20 oz of Diet Pepsi, but I don't like counting caffeinated drinks as part of my fluids.

Tomorrow I'll do better.  If I have to, I'll grab a bowl of fruit that I bought for my daughter's snacks.  My brother doesn't keep much fruit around.  He does have Lean Cuisine meals, that's where I got the one I had for lunch today.  Of course, I worked harder today than I will tomorrow, so I guess it'll all work out.

Until then, I really need to get some sleep.  I worked 12 hours and I'm exhausted.  Laterness & g'nite.

Getting my Groove Back

Weigh in on Sunday, 194.6, I had gained 0.6 lbs on Saturday, but I think it was dehydration because I spent 4 hours at Typhoon Lagoon and never really managed to drink enough to make up for being in the sun so long.

This morning, back to 193.  I'm feeling more in control.  I ate a salad and chicken for lunch, 2 egg rolls and a yogurt for dinner (the egg rolls were 190 calories for 2, and full of cabbage).  Breakfast was oatmeal, and I've been focusing on my water again today.  I've had all of the food groups with my banana snack.

Movement was time in the pool with the kids.  Not formal, not walking, but I got out there and carried the 2 year old around the shallower part trying to work with him on his swimming.

New Month, Restart

So as is apparent from the weight bar at the top, I've gained 1 lb.  Overall not bad considering how things have been going since I moved down here.  My goal this week is to get back to 193.  I know what to do, and have a plan.  I've also got a ton of stuff going through my mind and am probably going to spend time whining here so I don't eat my stress, of which I have a ton.  I just don't want to weigh a ton.  Not anymore.

Progress - needing more(?)

I'm making better choices now. I had cake on Saturday - we had a birthday party for my parents and brother - all August birthdays. But otherwise, if I'm craving something sweet, I'm drinking. I didn't have seconds on Saturday, though I wanted to. I ate right other than the cake - a grilled chicken sandwich with 1/4 cup of potato salad made with light mayo and no chips.

I'm consistantly moving more. One day last week I ended up at almost 12k steps. Otherwise I've been averaging between 8k and 10k steps.
When I want something sweet or want to overeat, I focus on drinking water. I'm almost back up to 128+ oz/day. The last few days I've been over 100 oz.

I'm back to feeling better instead of feeling like crap from lousy eating choices. All in all, I'm back to losing weight, and that's a good thing.

What healthy choices have you made?

August 19 - Miss You, Daddy

Yesterday marks 8 years since my father died at the age of 80. I still miss him every day. I know he would have loved to meet the kids.

Yesterday was busy. But I also saw how hard its going to be to stay on plan on days I work for my brother. He has ice cream, pop tarts and all sorts of other things that aren't conducive to losing weight. Today I'll be more careful. The temptation will still be there, but I'm not going to give in to it any more. Look out world.

Only 4100 steps as well. I need to increase that. I'm wearing the pedometer again today. We'll see where it sits tonight.

Hot, hotter, hottest

My car is having trouble with overheating, and one of my belts is squealing again too. Of course its adding to my stress, especially since I don't have more than a part time job. I'm doing well most of the time controlling the stress eating.

Then my brother's truck is overheating on the way to his warehouse. Since I starting working for him today, it makes it interesting. He's dropping it at a garage tonight.

My part time job is on my feet. Though the food may be interesting to figure out, I know I'll be moving around. I'll figure it out as I go along. I can at least focus on my water and moving.

Slowly

I'm not doing what I should be. I need to print out my plan, shop for the foods and start totally on plan. Right now I'm eating what I feel like, and we all know how poorly that works. So.. ???

I'm not doing the food shopping. Mom doesn't want to eat the same thing every day. That's how I do best. Make things boring. Make it so I know exactly what to eat for any meal. I need to find a way to really exercise again too. Swimming hasn't been a priority. We've had a few evening rainstorms, and I can't be in the pool when there's thunder and lightning. And the rain has dropped the pool temperature. It might not sound like much, but it makes it cold to swim.

Walks happen sometimes, but its not enough to get my blood pumping since I have to go at the boy's pace. 2 yo's don't run fast.

My plan, what there is of it is to go to the writing group I belong to and ask for help to get my writing income up. I'm hoping they can walk me through what I need to do. I have a modest goal. Not the six figure amount that's possible, but less than half the amount I'd need to make monthly for that type of income. I wouldn't mind working my way up to that amount.

With that amount, I could get us into a place so Justin can move down. I could go grocery shopping and get what I need to eat. I could either buy a treadmill or get a gym membership.

What else? Get to where I'm blogging every day. Get a real schedule again. Do what I can to get a job doing what I want to do. Oh wait, that's writing. I certainly don't want to get a job in manufacturing again. I'd rather get a job at home period.

I'm praying for contentment with what I have. Right now I'm jealous of what my sister has. Other than the weight that is. She and I are the same size. I'm going to lose the next 50 lbs so I can be healthy.

All I want is a place to live and to be able to pay my bills/clear my credit report. I'd also like to be able to save for retirement. Scratch that, I need to save for retirement. I don't expect social security to provide for anything in 20 years and I don't want to have to work like Mom does. A dear friend of mine is playing the lottery as his retirement plan. That's not a real plan but its more than I'm doing and I'm older than he is. Only by 4 years. He's 6 months older than Justin.

Anyway, getting ready for school. The girl needed a vaccine. Its done and its time to head out.

Home again, Home again

I'm focusing on my food again.  I'm exercising again every day, though I'm starting out small.  My parents have a pool, so I'm going out in the evening and swimming back and forth 4x.  I can barely do that.  I need to do more, but I'm going to have to work my way up there.  I haven't spent any time swimming in 8+ years, and I've almost forgotten how to do much other than just float. 

Meals are planned for the week.  Almost exactly how it was when I was on the Phase 5 meal plan.  That plus exercise should equal more weight loss.  Once I get paid for the writing I've been doing, I'll get myself another digital scale.  Or when I get paid for the 33+ hours of work I put in last week doing store merchandising.  All work on my feet.  I had some very long days, but I'll appreciate it once I get my check.

I'm in the middle of writing for Textbroker, but took a short break while trying to get the duckie boy to sleep.  He's out and I'm going to get a glass of water, then get back to writing.

Make healthy choices for yourself today, even if it's adding just a bit of extra movement and cutting out a second serving.  Laterness

Create in me something of beauty

So... Florida seems to be in the middle of... Something. Or maybe the guy at the temp agency is just thinking about how long I've been out of much other than what I was doing. The problem is, I hated my job. Overall it probably wasn't a bad job per se, but I found it to be blvery boring. Yea, the guy at the temp agency/placement agency said that the people most likely to hire me are other manufacturing companies. So, I took it hard. I'm going to have to do something because the whole situation has me mildly unhappy anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I love being around my family, but I miss Justin more than I could say (he's miserable as well, but part of that is just having his sister there). I also so wish I either had more say over how my 14 yo nephew acts, or I was in my own place. I can't really say much because my parents override me. They're the ones raising him, I just hate to see him walk all over them.

Food has only been okay, not stellar like I was doing. But all that is going to change. Mom and I are going to work on menus and hopefully I won't have any more 15 hour days restocking candy shelves. The candy wasn't appealing, but at hour 11 or so my blood sugar would do something so I'd feel unsteady on my feet. The pay will be nice tho, once I get it.

I need to find steady work, but peicemeal will work for the short term. I'm beginning to wonder if the mixed feelings and second thoughts were something telling me this was a bad idea. But if anything happens to either of my parents, my sister or myself would be the one to take care of them. Two of my brothers are losing their sight from the same hereditary/degenerative disease my stepdad has. The other brother and his wife live on the other side of this sprawl called a city.

I think I worked off the fried stuff I had for dinner on Tues. Yesterday I made better choices overall. I'm finding it much harder to control my food when I'm living with my parents. It will work out in time.

That's just the way it is

I'm still sad today, but not as bad as I was yesterday. I spent the day working for a merchandising company, and will be working for them the next 2 days. The hourly pay is about what I made at my job in Enid.

Tonight I do at least one article then I crash and crash hard. I'm exhausted. My legs and feet hurt.

Food has been on plan, or somewhat.

Breakfast was a burrito made with a soft taco size tortilla, 2 eggs and about 2 tbsp shredded cheese, and a banana. My coffee had coffee-mate and sweetener.

Lunch was baby carrots, a cucumber sandwich and an apple.

I've had only about 65 oz of water, so I'll need to drink more when I get home/to my parents. At least its still early.

I may need to swim tonight, we'll see if there's time. I'll have more time tomorrow, but not so much on Wednesday. On the other hand, I did a lot of moving today, I just didn't break a sweat. All in all a good day for my first day back at 1200 calories

The Pure Randomness in my Head

I made it to FL last Sunday - well technically Monday morning since it was almost 1 am after the kids and I spent the day with my Marine and his girl.  I've spent the week looking for a job and spending time with my kids and my family.  I'm more relaxed in one way, but I'm more stressed because I so need a job. 

I'm also wanting to cry all the time and wondering if I made a mistake.  I don't know what's up with me.  I know it's depression.  I just don't know what to do about it.  I am so tempted to go back to Enid, but that's not the answer.  Enid is a black hole, and if we go back, we won't get a chance to get out again.  Plus, if I go back, I'm going to have to go back to work at the place I left, though not necessarily in the same job.  They're doing away with benefits since the merger and I was very unhappy there.  So I need to hunt for a job down here and just hope that I can handle it all until Justin gets down here.

I'm also starting to remember that my family isn't as rosy as I was remembering when I was living a long ways away.  My sister and I will probably hang out a lot, and I'll spend time with my mother, but my stepdad is a cranky old man and my sister-in-law is always going to be difficult.  The whole family dynamic isn't the easiest no matter what family you're in.

Anyway, it's now several hours later and I really need to get to bed.  I'll get through this, and I'm focusing on my food starting tomorrow morning.  I didn't do badly tonight, but really need to work on my water again.

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

A very long time ago, my Marine used to watch that...

I haven't gone missing so much as I've been very, very busy with the move.

I hope to be back to posting regularly soon with a renewed incentive to lose my last 50 lbs.

And the winner is...

I haven't meant to disappear. We had the Rosary for grandma on Monday. I also received a 'direct order' through Textbroker for 6 more articles each between 300 and 350 words. I've been a busy little beaver.

Food hasn't been so good this week. Between the wake and this being my last week at work its been hectic.

I'll get myself back on track starting Saturday. Until then I'm closely monitoring the amounts I'm eating I'm just not watching what I'm eating quite as much as I should. My weight this morning was 193.8, so not too bad all things considered.

The girl's last t-ball game is tonight, then I have to write my last 2 articles after the kids are in bed.

Morning, weekend and long drives with some car sickness involved

Justin's sister wanted to come down because the funeral is on Tuesday.  Their aunt & uncle that she's living with couldn't afford to bring her down, and I wasn't going to ask their 80 year old other grandfather to drive up there.  Instead, I drove to Kansas City to get her.  Let's just say, yesterday was a very long day.

I brought the girl with me, and she did well mostly.  After we were on the road for 11 hours, she threw up.  I just hope it wasn't car sickness.  I hope it was just because she hadn't really eaten anything other than junk food/chips since breakfast.  I'm going to take the trip to FL a bit slow.  I'll leave July 7th, and drive only about 8 hours unless she seems to do better with peanut butter sandwiches, granola bars, juice and water.  I think it'll be easier if we're not rushing as well.  That way it won't matter if we need to stop to eat.

I didn't weigh in this morning, I only had soda most of yesterday, so I know today I'm dehydrated.  I'm trying to drink plenty of water today to make up for it.  Food hasn't really been great either, so I'm going to have to watch it again.  I need to focus on eating right this week.  Tomorrow, lunch is out, and it's going to be salmon.  Yum :)

And then there was...

Its been a long 24 hours. Justin had to go to work at 7, so I had the duckie boy with me at the t-ball game. Justin's sister called me around 8 with some garbled story about their dad's mom getting shocked by the cops and she didn't know if she was okay and she couldn't reach the grandfather or the neighbor. I calmed her down as much as possible then got the phone number for the aunt in Wichita.

The boy and I got to the grandparents house not long after the ambulance left. Justins grandmother had a heart attack. I picked the girl up from her game and went home. As I got home, Justin called me. His grandmother never came out of it.

Food has been okay. I skipped exercise at lunch and I'm regretting it. I'll be okay, my shoulders are hurting and I want to sleep.

Shakedown 1979 cool kids never have the

Time

And who is this one by, kids?

If you guessed Smashing Pumpkins, you were right. Let's hear it for 90's grunge LOL I remember when this song came out, the local radio station morning dj's were saying you could hear them saying tuna fish in the song. Of course, now every time I hear the song I think of the morning show on 95.5 aka '95 Triple-X'.

Food is on plan today. I took a day off exercise. Water is a bit loght compared to where I normally am at this time of day, but I'll still get a gallon today.

T-ball game tonight, I get to bring the boy because Justin has to be at work at 7:15.

Realizations

I realized during my time on the treadmill why I lost my motivation. It wasn't just that I couldn't keep up with Allan's challenge. The diet shake up for Phase 6 was only part of the excuse to lay off the exercise. I got below 200 lbs. That's been my goal for so many years that I had lost sight of the full picture.

I'm setting a new goal. Its 30 lbs away - my high school weight - coincidentally my pre-pregnancy weight for my first pregnancy. This is going to be harder on me than the last 50 lbs and not just because I'm lighter.

I'm an emotional eater. I think that's obvious by now. If I remember right from eDiets and Dr Sklare's (please excuse me if I'm spelling his name wrong, I can't look it up right now) Emotional Support Center boards, I'll go through some of the same emotions I was shoving down with food as I reach the same weight I was when I first avoided the emotions.

Which means I will go through a lot of emotional pain in the next few months. Maybe additional emotional pain since I still have frequent battles with depression. Yes, I do know the difference between depression and normal sadness. I've felt both.

Complicated situations only get worse

In the morning light

My slip yesterday has me wanting sugar and chocolate or chocolate flavored sugar. Something sweet at least. I'm sucking on a cinnamon Altoid to try to forget about it. At 10 calories for 3 they're almost as good as gum for staving off cravings. Especially since I'm out of gum right now.

Of course the sugar crash has me feeling depressed again. I hope I can burn this off quickly with the treadmill at lunch. Or I can just keep listening to country and wallow in my own misery for a bit :P

Food is on plan today. Much better than yesterday. I'll get through this and move on...

I took a walk around the world to ease

My troubled mind.

I have so much to do both at work and at home. I started to stress eat but stopped myself. Now I'm trying to remember how much I have ready for the move. This weekend will be time to make more of a dent in the stuff I'm getting rid of.

Other than the slip, I'm on plan. Food has been exactly the same as yesterday, but that makes it easy to know how many calories I've had. Well... Other than the slip I started on. I'll just have to adjust the calories for the rest of the day to stay under 1200.

Otherwise its a day of rest, tho the girl has a t-ball game tonight.

Another day down, the countdown begins

Ok, so I have started crossing off the dates on the calendar at work.  I'm also trying to hurry and get a lot of stuff done that I had put off... stuff that really needed to be done by July 1, so I guess it's all good.

Total stats for the day:

• 21 minutes of intervals
• ~150 oz of water - not counting coffee and decaf tea
• ~1130 calories  
• article written for today

Another successful day down, and an article written.  This will get easier as I keep at it.  I just want to try for 1 article a day, even if it's only 200 words.  Laterness & g'night.

6 o'clock already, I was just in the

Middle of a dream. I was kissing Valentino by a crystal blue Italian stream.

Today is going too quickly. I looked up and it was 12:50. I hadn't been hungry so didn't eat lunch or morning snack. I did get up and do 21 minutes of intervals. Well, 11 minutes plus 5 minutes each warm-up and cool-down. Note, smoking and jogging really don't go together LOL I could feel how tight my chest is from smoking. Just 2 more weeks and I quit cold turkey. If I don't before then from not being able to breathe.

I've had lunch and it was a homemade bean burrito. I figure a bit over 300 calories for it. I'll have to put it into Spark. Breakfast was egg beaters on a 100 calorie multi grain English muffin. Snack will be a strawberry smoothie. Just frozen strawberries and milk.

So back where I should be. I may switch to swimming when I get to FL.

Less progress than learning

Weigh in this week, 193.  Which means...

I finally hit the 50 Lb mark!!!! Woohoo :)

Ok, so I could have done better than 1 lb gone.  I have lunches made for 3 days this week, and I'm thinking strawberry smoothies for the snacks.  Also going to start back on the treadmill, and if I can wake up early enough, one of the Pilates DVDs.

It's been a long day and I didn't make as much progress as I could have wished today.  Instead, I sat and read, and did other things.  Blah.  I did get rid of a few more things, and I did go through the girl's clothes.  Another pile for the battered women's shelter.  It makes me feel good to give the stuff to them when I get rid of it.

Off to bed, Justin left the clothes on the bed when he came back from the laundromat.  He had to shower and go to work right away and didn't have time to fold them.  It won't take long.

Time for a reboot...

I'm stressing over everything again.  I need to make a list and start using a timer.  It'll get done, I have almost 3 weeks.

Food was soso today.  I ate more than I normally do, and haven't put it into SparkPeople.  I guess I'll do so at some point.  I did get over a gallon of water though.

Gonna go chill for a few minutes then get some sleep.  Church tomorrow.  Cleaning and packing more after.  Time to just breathe.

And breathe...

Today was a roller-coaster type day.  I gave my notice, my coworkers were happy for me.  I know I need to do this, but damn it was hard.  Exercise was little to none this week.  I'll have to focus on it next week.  It was a roller coaster week.  Justin was out of a job Monday and last night he started a new job paying $2 an hour less. 

Food, on plan.  Though I messed up and had way too much for lunch.  I wasn't that hungry tonight, so I only had a sandwich on light bread.

This weekend I need to buy more fruits and veggies, maybe even make salads for all week.  I like salad, but I get burned out easily unless I do something different.  It'll be a good week, even though I need to make a list of everything I'm working on at work.  I'm also going to have to make sure I exercise at lunch every day to be sure I have the energy to do what I need to do for the move. 

The sht has hit the fan & it's powering

My car ;) gotta love Robin Williams' comedy... That is unless 4-letter words offend you. They offend my parents and Justin's family. I don't get it, it's not real cursing - that'd be taking God's name in vain.

Been thinking about my Marine again and decided I'm going to send a care package to someone who is deployed. I got an address from the AnySoldier.com website. I chose a Marine platoon to send to. I won't be able to send a lot until I can coupon more, but it'll be a start. Maybe I can manage 2 packages...

Food is mostly on plan, though I suspect I'm over where I like to be on calories at this time of day. I'll figure it out tonight when I get home. No walking but I'm feeling better. Now I just need to start exercising again - I got out of the habit when I started Phase 6.

See the eagle flying high

My oldest has been on my mind a lot the last few days. To top it off, I had to ask him to pay back the rest of what I loaned him around Christmas. The car repair looks like its going to be more than I had planned on.

Its all good, it just means giving up my plan to go to Branson this year. I can do it next year by doing what I'm doing now - putting all change except quarters in a plastic jug.

I really don't feel like eating today. I know it's partially depression, and I'll get through it. I think going to bed early would be a good idea as well.

Breakfast egg substitute on a 100 calorie English muffin. Lunch - a grilled chicken sandwich with tomato - I only ate about 3/4 of the bun - and an apple.

Now if I could just stop yawning.

Time is a healer but we can't see how

We don't want to see that maybe some things we aren't meant to figure out.

This move isn't going to be easy but its not impossible. I have been praying for direction because it seemed like it wasn't meant to happen, then I found an article on preparing to leave your job, and I realized that it gets better and I have writing options open that I can take full advantage of.

Of course that's going to mean I have to fight my procrastination and perfectionism and actually do what I'm supposed to be doing.

I feel like I've emotionally done a 180 since last night when I was positive we weren't going to be able to move. Its something we have to do, so one thing at a time. Bags of clothes go to the YWCA shelter, so do the pot holders I crocheted for who knows what reason. I need to get my shredder out tonight and start making a dent in my old statements and file the stuff we keep. Fun. First, the community outreach with my church and then a t-ball game. More fun-ness tonight :)

Because you're mine, I walk the line

It just seems something is trying to make it impossible for me to move. Justin is out of a job again. I've had to dig into the savings more. We can't afford a truck, we're getting rid of everything we can.

But we're still working on the move. My sister has my resume. We may have found a place for Justin to stay until we find a place for us to live.

Food is on plan. Its good there wasn't anything at home for me to binge on yesterday when I was dealing with everything.

Today breakfast was an egg sandwich (using a 100 calorie multi grain English muffin). Lunch was leftovers from last night - throw a boneless chicken breast in the crock pot with salsa and let it cook all day. Serve on tortillas with cheese and sour cream if desired. I skip the sour cream but add cheese.

Not sure about dinner tonight. I'll play it by ear.

You gotta know when to hold 'em, know

When to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...

Some Kenny Rogers this morning, I grew up listening to him, my babysitter/best friend's mom used to play a tape with his Greatest Hits. Of course, this was the 70's so its an old tape.

I'm freaking a bit again today. I have so much to do and so little time to do it. Plus I hate confrontation and my boss is going to be very unhappy with me when I give my notice.

I've got way too much to do and just need to do it.

Breakfast and lunch on plan. Mid-morning snack was a strawberry smoothie. All good.

Double-Eww Tee Efff?!?!?!

I swear I posted last night, but I can't even find anything in the drafts.  It seems to be an odd weekend with Blogger anyway.  Not entirely sure what's going on.  Apparently, while I was very busy this week, there was a lot of drama happening.  Allan's blog is now saying that it's not there or it's gone private.  Ahh well, I don't deal well with drama anyway.  My brother's wife was starting some on Facebook with my nephew's mother.  K is 47 and picking fights with a 30 year old.  Neither of them really grew up, that's why my parents are raising my nephew - who turns 14 this year I think.  I just messaged my nephew and told him I was sorry that it was going on, then I joked about bringing the kids to be underfoot.  I did get a 'lol' out of him, I don't know if he was humoring me or not.

I'm feeling a bit stressed about the move again, but Justin and I discussed it and we're just going to purge as much stuff as we can.

On the diet front, only down 1 lb this week, but I know that's partially because TOM starts this week.  It's all good, and I'm happy.  Yesterday, I bought 2 exercise DVDs at the thrift store.  Both were Pilates exercises, obviously without the equipment like Princess uses.  They both say slimming and one is 3 DVDs in one case.  My plan is to start getting up 30 minutes earlier and doing one of these DVDs before my shower in the morning.

I'm late getting my shower in this morning, because Justin let me sleep until 9:30.  I missed church, but went to bed with a headache last night, so it might have been best.  Off to take a shower, 49 lbs down and feeling good about it. 

Just got paid today got me a pocket full

Of change.

It really has been a long week. Wednesday we had a town hall meeting from 11:30 to 12:30 at work. Of course we didn't really learn anything new.

Yesterday was the biweekly department conference call at from 12:30 to 2. I didn't get a chance to walk either day. I didn't really even get much of a lunch break.

Food has been on plan. Its just been a long week and I feel like I could have done better because of the lack of exercise. I went down to use the elliptical this morning but only did 5 minutes.

I'm walking to the library at lunch because I'm antsy. I don't want the pumpkin soup I brought for lunch and I don't feel we can afford for me to eat out right now. Its a matter of what's important. I have food. The move is important. That's that. Unfortunately, I already know Justin doesn't see it that way so I need to focus on writing this weekend.

Some days I wish I had married someone who handled money better. I guess I have to settle for marrying someone who adores me and I get to be the breadwinner. So my next task is to find a way to increase my income so money isn't so tight. I'm not sure how much we can cut out other than the $30 we pay for digital cable. Something to figure out. Even an extra $50 a month would be some savings.

Anyway enough about budgeting and money. I'll figure it out eventually. It's time to heat up my soup and be calm for awhile.

Long Week

It's been a rough few days.  Calories are on track.  The wind is really blowing tonight, so not sticking around long.

I've had some things running through my head about the move.  I finally figured out why I have mixed feelings.  The next step is to actually do something about it.

Exercise has been light.  I need to do better about that.  More stuff I have to do something about.

I'll try to post from my phone tomorrow.  We won't have meetings during lunch, so I might actually get a break.  It's gotten too busy for me to even take a break long enough to post anything.

Goals

I've been doing some thinking about what goals I want to set for myself for the next few months.  Ideally, I'd love to be at least 25 lbs down by August 20.  Justin's sister is getting married on the 20th. 

Otherwise... I just don't know.

I'll be staying around 1200 calories, because that's just easy for me.  I'll be drinking at least 128 oz of water because that's been second nature as well (other than this weekend when it made me nauseous when I was 'full').  Since I haven't had a chance to talk to the registered dietitian at work, I'm just increasing my exercise and watching what I eat.

I finished today with about 1150 calories.  I'm too lazy to go look it up, but everything was entered in SparkPeople and I was definitely under 1200.  The water was finished by 4:30, and I started on a 0 calorie Sobe Lifewater a bit ago.  It won't be finished before I go to bed, but I'll drink it tomorrow.

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired after waking up at 5 am.  Laterness & g'night.

If this is Austin...

I'm not terribly impressed with the pumpkin soup. I can think of a few changes to make if I make it again.

I woke up at 5 am and couldn't get comfortable. I was awake for about an hour, spending about 15 minutes sitting in the recliner in the living room. At around 6 I went back to bed. I felt sick the entire time. I still can't figure out if my problem is stress or I'm actually sick. I've felt ill all day so far but I have to work, so I'm just going to have to get over it.

I spent some time last night talking to someone I knew when I was growing up. I used to babysit her son, who is also on my friends list on Facebook. He has cystic fibrosis. When he was 11, his lungs collapsed from the crud that had built up. He's in the hospital for what he calls a 'tune up.' Basically, every other month when he starts losing weight too fast he goes into the hospital for blood work and to have his lungs cleared out. He has lived past the life expectancy that I heard when I first started watching him 24 years ago, but life expectancy for CF patients is now in the 30's. He is a fighter, and I fully expect him to live into his 30's. And there's no telling what advances will be made in the next 5 years, so it may be even longer.

Food is okay so far. I need to put it all into Spark but I should be around 600 calories.

The groove is in the heart or Stomp, stomp, stomp, I'm stompin' that yeti stomp

Two different types of music.  Justin and I were watching a show about 90's one hit wonders.  After it was done, the girl asked us to turn on NickJr, and Backyardigans is on. 

I'm stil l not feeling well, my stomach is bothering me every time I eat.  I almost wish I'd throw up so I'd feel better.  Justin and the kids are feeling better, and they threw up.

I took at least a 2 hour nap this afternoon, and am ready to sleep again.  Breakfast was egg substitute on an English muffin.  Lunch went downhill.  I tried another English muffin, that didn't help, so I had some cheese and crackers.  Way too many calories, and I was miserable all afternoon because nothing is settling right.  So tonight I had about 2 servings of saltines.  That didn't really help either.  So I'm done.  I've got most of my water in, which is making things harder, I'm so very thirsty but every time I drink enough to start filling my stomach, I get nauseous.  Total calories for the day under 900.

I'm wishing I had walked this weekend, but it's so hard to find the motivation when you're not feeling well.  Ahh well, I'll try again tomorrow.  Laterness & g'night.

Evening and reflection

I ended up with under 1000 calories today.  I felt like I ate a lot for breakfast and lunch but when I entered it, it was only about 700 calories.  Then I had a slice of cheese and 5 crackers.  That went over better than the rest of it.

On the other hand, I did make lunch for 3 days this week.  I made pumpkin soup from a recipe I got in my email, then I doubled up the serving size.  Instead of making 6 servings, I put it in 3 bowls.  The recipe said each serving is 130 calories, so that's 260 calories per bowl.  I did make a mistake and put cinnamon instead of nutmeg in it, but it isn't bad.  Lots of garlic.  I'm trying to use up the cans in my cupboard so we have less to move.  I may make the same thing again, with a bit less garlic since I'm out.  I'll use a Mrs Dash type seasoning instead.  I've got another can of pumpkin, and a bunch of cans of beans.  I've got plenty of 120 calorie whole wheat tortillas so I can make burritos for lunches as well.  Those will be 350 to 400 calories each, but still not bad as long as I only have one at a meal and have an apple or something lower calorie for my afternoon snack.

Now the girl is sick, she kept throwing up tonight, so I called in to work tomorrow.  I'm staying home with both of the kids one more day so I can be sure they're feeling better.  I don't think we'll do t-ball tomorrow night, but my daughter wasn't too upset over it tonight.  She still wasn't feeling well when I told her we weren't going to go.

Overall, not a bad day.  I went grocery shopping at Aldi's tonight because I was tired and trying to hurry.  Normally I shop the sales at the grocery store with the most of what I need on sale.  The only thing I didn't get is coffee, so I need to figure that out.  I've got about enough for 2 more pots, so I may need to resort to tea until Friday.  I had to short the food budget for the week to have gas money for the truck to get back and forth to Justin's work.  We're still working out the kinks in the budget, but we'll get there.  I have never done well at budgeting, but I'm determined to do it right this time around.  It never mattered until I married Justin, he's just awful at keeping track of his spending and we've always had problems paying everything we need to.  That's going to change.

Sunday morning lookin' sunny

I can't think of a song this morning, something about staying up 'til midnight.  I'm not sure why I've been going to sleep so late, but I'm changing it tonight.  I'm also changing a few other things that I'm finally seeing with open eyes.

The little one started feeling better a bit around 6 or so.  He had a yogurt around 4, and asked for another around 6:30, then kept asking for cookies.  I know it wasn't the best for him, but I let him have what he wanted because he was actually eating.  He slept all night in his own bed and we're both feeling better today.

Breakfast was an omelet and 2 slices of toasted light bread. I still need to make coffee.

Weigh in this morning was down 4 lbs from the last time I weighed in on May 15.  Not a stellar loss for 3 weeks, but I'll take it.  I'm getting further from 200 lbs and I'm 2 lbs from being 50 lbs down, so I'm happy.  I could be doing better, but my thyroid issues are slowing me down.

Quiet weekend days

I decided I'm taking it easy today, or rather it was decided for me LOL. 

The boy was sick from about 2 am on, he kept throwing up, but it was never a lot at a time, more like something was gagging him.  He spit up/threw up several times, but we never got him to the bathroom in time because there wasn't enough warning.  I should have had a bowl by the bed, but it didn't occur to me until I actually woke up enough to think instead of just reacting to the sounds..  Justin is at the laundromat now washing my sheets.  The duckie boy has been sleeping off and on all day.  He's barely eaten all day.  I'm feeling sick too, and I've snacked a bit, but I've only had about 800 calories.  I'm debating whether I want to eat something high calorie, since the Greek yogurt I had didn't help settle my stomach.  I have some regular nonfat vanilla that might help, but I'm not up for eating anything else right now.

I'm calmed down about work now.  It'll all work out, if all goes well I won't be working there much longer anyway.

It's now Sunday morning, I'm getting ready to start my first post for today, and noticed that I hadn't hit submit like I thought.  Oops.

Holding it in

The person they finally decided to hire at work? Instead of hiring someone here to help those of us who are swamped, they're hiring someone in Cincinnati. Please excuse the following expletive filled rant. Its either that or turn to chocolate or cry in the middle of the office. I won't namecall, I like my manager as a person but she shouldn't have been put in charge. She's a control freak and loves to take credit for good things we do and spread the blame for things going wrong. All of her employees know she doesn't have our back. We've tried going through the channels and things have just gotten worse. Multiply that by 100x since the merger.

That person who calls herself a manager is lying and doesn't have the fucking balls to stand up for us. I'm so fucking sick of telling her how swamped we are only to be told some bullshit excuse that it'll get better. Its never going to get better until they realize they can't treat their employees like shit and expect morale to stay up. Instead of doing anything logical they're buying more companies. That's fucking insane bullshit. We get more fucking swamped when they give us drop everything projects to help with the original merger but the only ones who get any fucking credit are my manager and supervisor. Really puts it into perspective perspective how important the rest of us are.

Please excuse me while I go cry anyway.

I could hide out under there

I just made you say under where (underwear)?

I do love listening to Barenaked Ladies :D

Yesterday I didn't go on the treadmill or elliptical. I did walk to the library at my first break and took another 10 minute walk at my 2nd break. Total calories for the day: 1259

Justin played a joke on me this morning that really wasn't funny. I made a sandwich for my breakfast - a 100 calorie multigrain English muffin and about 1/2 cup of egg substitute. I left it on the counter while I put in my contacts and put my hair up. When I came back the sandwich was 90% gone and he said it was really good. I started to get emotional then decided I'd just have oatmeal since I used up the last of the muffins and eggs to make that sandwich. I asked him to move from in front of the microwave so I could make oatmeal and he laughtd and pulled the rest of the sandwich out of where he hid it.

That was NOT funny, but it was normal behavior for him when he's rested. Guess I'd better get used to it, I had forgotten after 2 years of newspaper delivery and 3 years of night shift before that. I'm more used to him sleeping constantly.

Already got in one 10 minute walk. This afternoon's snack is yogurt with granola. Weight this morning was 198, I wasn't as careful this weekend as I should have been, but my weight is going in the right direction again. I know I haven't been eating enough to actually gain, but as I said as long as it goes down I'll be happy. Probably no treadmill at lunch. Justin is bringing me a 6" Subway sub. One of the healthy choice ones, but not veggie. He'll probably stay with both kids so we can eat together.

Are you fearless? Are you addicted?

No leftover pasta after all, so lunch is a cucumber sandwich. I've got enough cucumber for a snack this afternoon. I'll put the foods into Spark then see where my calories are. I changed my mind on dinner, its going to be baked fish. I've got 2 lbs of tilapia fillets in the freezer.

Ok everything is in Spark and I'll have to have a snack this afternoon. I put down graham cracker & peanut butter, even so before I go home I'll only be at around 650 calories.

Work has been interesting today, definitely not ordinary. For the first time in awhile, I'm having to work closely with one of the programmers to try to get the system to work the way we want it to. He keeps needing me to show what I'm talking about instead of just walking through it in email. He did ask if I've been recently drug tested when I was trying to explain something but I just laughed at him.

There's a t-ball game tonight, so I'm going to try to exercise before the game. I just didn't want to during lunch today.

Goodbye, Earl

I only managed 11 minutes on the elliptical, partially because I found it much harder than the treadmill, and partially because of my headache.  It's all good, I still got at least 20 minutes of exercise.  I'll try for more tomorrow.

Total calories for the day - 1127

After I ate my stir fry, I ate half of my son's peanut butter toast that he didn't touch.  I should have had an apple instead, but the toast was good and it still didn't put me over in calories.  The stir fry was chicken, green beans, 2 green onions and some mushrooms all cooked with a bit of Garlic & Herb seasoning.  I ate it over 1/2 cup of brown rice. 

Tomorrow, I'll have the egg sandwich again, but instead of peanut butter on a graham cracker, I'll have a strawberry smoothie.  Lunch will be more leftover pasta.  I'm not sure about dinner yet, but the girl has a game, so I'll have to come up with a meal rather quickly.  I've got 2 chicken breasts left, so maybe chicken, broccoli and a baked potato.  That leaves me short one whole grain, so I'll have to do some thinking on that.  Until I talk to the dietitian, I'm loosely following the Food Pyramid's guide for 1200 calories, which means 4 oz whole grains, 1-1/2 cups veggies, 1 cup fruit, 2 servings dairy and 3 oz of meat.  Today I had more than 3 oz of meat, but since I'm tracking my calories on SparkPeople, as long as it averages to that over the course of a week, I'll be okay.

Since I've been miserable with the headache all day, I'm headed to bed early.  Laterness & g'night.

Never let go, every high and every low

Dinner last night was whole wheat pasta with sauce. Lunch today is leftovers. It makes it so easy to be able to use leftovers. When I was following the plan for the phases, I was having to leave the leftovers to Justin, and we were throwing food away. No more. Tonight I either make chicken soup for lunch tomorrow or I have more pasta for lunch tomorrow. We'll see how much is left. I already know dinner tonight is stir fry with 1/2 c brown rice.

The plan is to do 25 minutes on the elliptical at lunch instead of the treadmill to shake things up a bit. I'm going to go for a 10 minute walk as soon as the meeting is done, and I'll do another walk around 3:30.

I decided on only 1 or 2 posts today so just saved the message. Now my walk is done, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to walk outside. It's only 83 and I overheated. It'll be too hot when the 100 degree days start.

I came to work with a headache this morning and the stuff I took isn't helping. I can't take more because it says once every 6 hours. I took a Goody's powder which has the same ingredients as Excedrin. Hopefully the headache goes away, otherwise its going to suck being at work til 5:30. Blah :(

There's booze in the blender, and soon

It will render, that frozen concoction that helps me hold on.

At least the damage to my savings wasn't as bad as I feared, and Justin agreed to the arrangement where we clear out his account other than what he needs for the week. I'm feeling better, my gas bill and car insurance are paid. Its funny how that's a load off my mind.

The home my sister found for us isn't one we're going to look into any further. Rent on it is too high, so we'll have to start over looking for something. Oh well :(

Ups and downs

Ugh. So we went out of town this weekend. It was nice to see some of Justin's family, and the kids mostly had fun. Well, except when we went downstairs at the relative's house. Then all I heard was 'scared downstairs' from the boy. He didn't like that the alarm talked when anyone opened a door. I'm sure it was because the finished basement was really cluttered too. But they didn't want to leave.

Of course I woke up with cotton mouth today. I tried to keep my water intake up during the trip but it was hard. I'll make it up this week.

Then there's the time I was coming back from a half price/used bookstore and the car overheated. Yea. That was tons of fun. Sitting on the side of an interstate road with 2 windows down (the only 2 windows that would roll down) in the heat with a 2 year old, hoping the motor wasn't trashed because I didn't notice the needle on the temperature gauge was all the way in the red until it had been there at least a couple of minutes. It wasn't the cheapest thing to fixed, but it wasn't bad. It just seems our luck is not the best a lot of the time.

I woke this morning with a song from church going 'round in my mind. I don't remember the song now but think it'll come back eventually. I'm stressing about money and am trying to just remember that it'll work out, I just need to start controlling Justin's spending more than I have been. It'll work out. It'll be tight but we make enough.

Water is half done. Breakfast was Egg Beaters on a 100 calorie multi-grain English muffin. Lunch is a sandwich, a glass of milk and some cucumber, dinner is spaghetti and a salad. I'll have an apple for a snack at some point. The girl has a t-ball game tonight. It should be interesting since both games were rained out last week.

Weigh in Sunday

I know I need to weigh in since I forgot last weekend.  But I don't have access to my scales this morning, and won't until a weekday morning.  I don't do an official weigh in on weekdays because I don't have more than 20 minutes after I take my thyroid medication before I have to get dressed.  So it's going to be a week.  No worries, from the sneak peek that I had on Friday morning, it'll be good when I weigh.

This weekend is challenging, but I'll get through it.  So far, I've been watching what I eat, and avoiding the brownies that Justin's sister made.  I know I went to bed hungry last night, and that was on purpose.  I will be glad when I can get to where I can control my food again.  I'm tempted to go to Price Chopper and at least pick up a few things..

Growing up

I forgot how fast kids grow up. My daughter turned 6 in April. It doesn't seem possible. Yet she's acting more responsible, like an older child and less like the headstrong toddler I remember her to be. I've been very careful to talk to her like I did my oldest, yet trying to think of the things I was told as a child that simply weren't true. Like my hair was too thick. I also make it a point to tell her she's not fat, and she's beautiful, which are both true as well.

I never liked my hair but now it's much thinner. I'm not sure if it's the thyroid problem, which I know causes hair loss, or stress or my eating habits over the last few weeks. It seems my hair has been falling out faster over the last few weeks. I'm going to focus on the fruits, veggies and whole grains I should be getting. In the meantime, I've switched back to my pill vitamins and am taking the supplements I need. If the hair loss keeps up, I'll focus on getting more magnesium and zinc either in supplement form or through food.

Breakfast today was a breakfast burrito with about 3 tbsp of egg/turkey sausage. Total calories about 350 with the whole wheat soft taco sized tortilla and the non-dairy creamer in my coffee. I'm on my 3rd 16 oz bottle of water and lunch was a lazy 240 calories - 2 Nutra-Grain cereal bars, each 120 calories and 3 grams of fiber.

I'll put all the food into SparkPeople when I get a chance, but I already know I need more fruits and veggies today. I'll make sure to get some for dinner and snack. 1 tbsp of salsa isn't enough.

Hunger Games

I saw something on MSN about a movie called The Hunger Games, so I had to get the book out from the library.  Except all I could get was the book on CD.  I'm over halfway through the CD's (7 of 9) and I am going to go on a hunt for the actual book.  I found a 2nd book by this author about the same person in this book, but wanted to wait to get it until after I get the first book.

I talked to my doctor about the next part of Phase 6, and she wasn't happy about it, so I emailed Allan I'm out.  I need to be sure that I don't get lazy and keep at the weight loss.  I've got an appointment to talk to the corporate dietitian at work.  She and I emailed a few times this afternoon.  I'll go over some things with her next week.  She's also talked to me about increasing my exercise.  She may not be a fitness instructor, but she's worked with one, and I know that person too she works at one of the local gyms now instead of working as a nutrition analyst with my company.  I'll find a way to get at least a one month membership at the gym.  They have a discount with my work.

So, my goals for the next 2 months: ~1200 calories a day and at least 30 minutes of exercise a day at first.  Eventually I need to increase to 60 minutes, maybe adding morning and afternoon walks at work.  I was also told I needed to add weight exercises to help me burn more calories.  One of the other dietitians told me I need to shake up my exercise routine too.  I think after my talk with the dietitian, I'll have a full plan.  But til then, I have something tentative.  I need to buy some V-8 singles too until I get better quality veggies from the store.

I feel marginally better working personally with someone to get a plan tailored to me.  I'm not going to let myself slide back over 200 lbs.  Laterness & g'night.

Do I creep you out?

Weird Al today cuz I'm a bit creeped out myself.

My supervisor forwarded an email she got referring to someone's FaceBook page (link to come when I get home). Apparently the guy who hit on me on Monday has been talking to women around town. He asks their names, etc., but goes away if they say they're married. Yea so he wasn't really hitting on me. But I'm still creeped out and will have to be sure I'm way more aware of my surroundings for awhile. I've gotten lazy about it living here.

And they found the missing 3 year old from Tuesday's storms. He was found in a lake/pond. I feel so bad for the mom, she did everything right but her 16 month old and 3 year old died because of the storms. She's pregnant and the baby is okay but she and her 5 year old are both in critical condition the last I heard. Hug your loved ones and be thankful.

Give me two pina coladas gotta have one for each hand

My plan had been to go to bed early tonight.  I'm still up and it's late.  I had to rewrite the article from last night, then email the customer because they wanted me to do something that I couldn't do because of how the system works.  Someone has to adjust the required keywords so I can make the rest of the changes they wanted made.

Justin wants to go to Kansas City this weekend since it's a 3-day weekend.  It really sounds like fun, and I need the time away.  I'm just not sure about eating while there.  His aunt and uncle say they want to lose weight, but they're not willing to actually change anything.  Of course, I'd have to figure out something for my weigh in as well since I don't want to change scales.  I've already told Justin to set things up.

Anyway, everything was on plan today, and I got plenty of water.  I walked to the library at lunch and got a few books.  All in all, it was another good day, but now I must sleep.  Laterness & g'night.

Down time

Nothing much on TV tonight.  The shows I usually watch aren't on the air because of the storm.  We dodged the bullet yesterday.  Today, a number of tornadoes touched down in Oklahoma.  There are confirmed deaths, that's about all I know.  I heard on the radio that some were trying to weather out the storm at an RV park, but after the tornado went through, there were trailers in the trees near Canton Lake.  Another tornado touched down near El Reno, and a number of homes were destroyed.  My heart aches for those who were affected by the storms.  We were under a tornado warning, but they never even touched the county I live in.  Justin was sent home early.  We had to pick the kids up early from daycare.  All we got was more rain.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad enough that the storms missed us, but my thoughts are with those who were affected.

I ended the on plan.  Walking, water all where it should have been. I want more water, I'm just really thirsty tonight.

I also need to finish Justin's breakfasts for the week.  I was supposed to do it Sunday but was too tired after t-ball.  Yesterday, I started to, but Justin had finished all of the cheese and I had planned breakfast burritos for his breakfasts.  I actually didn't have to rock the duckie boy tonight.  We've been working on getting him to sleep in his own bed, and tonight we put him in his own bed to fall asleep.  He wasn't happy and started going to his sister's bed to play, but got caught at that.

If I'm going to get my stuff done, I'd better start.  It's getting late, and I've got some writing to do too.  My goal is 1 article a day.  Laterness & g'night.

It was long ago and it was far away

I decided I'm going to walk on the treadmill today instead of outside. I still haven't heard if t-ball is cancelled tho we're still under a severe weather warning. My sister is freaking but it'll all work out.

Food on plan so far. I'm walking now because my goal is to increase my exercise this week. Should be fun right? I didn't want to but this is for life.

The animals, they came on, they came on by twosies twosies

LOL so here's to going to a Church of the Nazarene growing up.  If you've heard the song, good luck getting it out of your head.  It's always been an ear-worm for me.  One of those songs you hear and they keep going 'round and 'round.

The Lord said to Noah
you're gonna build an arky arky
Lord said to Noah
you're gonna build an arky arky
Build it out of (clap)
gopher barky barky
Children of the Lord.

 More flooding tonight.  We dodged the tornado bullet, though we were under a tornado warning and the sirens even went off because they saw funnel clouds about a mile south of my house.  Luckily, those funnel clouds didn't touch the ground.  Unfortunately, some did touch the ground about 15 miles east of us.  It rained so hard that the water was at least 4 inches along the side of one of the major roads through town, and all the way across the road at one of the intersections.

Food was on plan today, and I got my walk in.  I'm watching an HBO special on 'Too Big to Fail.'  It's got a lot of information I didn't know, and Justin saw enough of it that he understands what happened more than he did.  A dear friend of mine worked for Wachovia, which is now owned by Wells Fargo.  He's still there.  He's actually been able to identify with a lot of what I've gone through with the merger at work, which makes it nice to be able to vent to someone.  Justin has no clue still.

I told Justin about the guy that hit on me on my walk today.  When I said that the guy said 'lucky guy,' Justin said 'try living with her for a bit.'  Yea, that makes me feel so good :\  Some days I wonder if he really thinks what he says.  He says he's just joking, but sometimes the joking is a bit hurtful, or at least hurtful to me.  I've tried telling him, but he doesn't get it and just laughs it off.

Now I am watching Star Trek:TNG.  I've seen all of these episodes, but I find it relaxing to watch it still.  It's hard to believe how young everyone looks back then.  I'm feeling old tonight.  Thinking it's time to get some stuff done.  Laterness & g'night.

Monday, Monday it can't be that bad...

I really don't want to be at work. I think its time to put on my headphones and just focus on getting through the week. We have a 3-day weekend coming up. I don't think I can take Friday off because there are already 2 gone and only 5 total in the office since they only got approval last week to replace the person who left on May 6.

We're under a severe weather threat for the next few days. I hope it holds off so the girl still has t-ball.

I tried to use my belt on Saturday but its at least 2" too big. I'm going to try to punch holes in it for now.

I am starting to get a bit frustrated with bloggie drama. Its almost like hearing my kids 'you can't play with me if you play with them, they're poopyheads'. Whatever. I know me saying that isn't going to go over well but geesh. Support is support - more is better, regardless. And its making me take a closer look at the situation and I need to do some major evaluating on what I want.

OMG I just had to grin. I walked to pay my car payment and on the way back some guy started hitting on me. Its been ages since that happened. He asked if I was single and when I said no, he said 'lucky guy.'. I just had to agree LOL

Time to eat then get back at it.

The news is...

bad.  I wasn't feeling well last night and took a nap.  Of course, my brother called while I was sleeping and since my phone was still on vibrate from work so no one answered it.  I got his voicemail when I called back, and never heard anything last night.  I called again this evening.

He said it looks like I didn't pass the checks for the job he offered me.  I had to pass a financial background check, and my credit score is very bad.  I understand why the credit check, I'd be bringing food to the vending machines in federal prisons, and they'd want to make sure I didn't need a lot of money so I couldn't be bribed.  I couldn't be no matter how much money I owed, but they don't know that.  They don't know me.

So my goal is to pay off the rest of what's on my credit report.  It's half of what was there last year.  Ideally, I'd like to pay in full before the beginning of August, but that'd require that I more than triple my income.  I guess we'll just have to see what I can do.

On the brighter side, my sister found a place for us to live.  There's a for-rent sign outside of a modular home about 3 miles from where she lives (my mother's moving about 5 houses down the street).  So, we wait until t-ball is done, then we go down there.  I'll still be there by my sister's birthday.  I'm just really disappointed about not being able to be approved to help my brother.

Anyway, I guess that gives me more time to ship off the games my Marine said he still wants.  I'll have to send them via UPS or something.  It's time to buckle down and focus on what's important.  I want to improve my credit score anyway, so I guess I see what I can do.  I also need to start sending my books to my mother so I don't have to try to transport them when we move. 

Food was on plan.  I've got a ton of stuff I need to get with coupons tomorrow.  I need to go grocery shopping as well.  So... it'll all work out, I'm just going to spend a bit more than I really want for things I wouldn't normally get but we really need.  Like contact solution and Little Swimmers (my sister has a pool, so does my parents' new home).  I forgot what else I need to get, but I also need to go through my stockpile and give a lot of it to the YWCA.

Of course, I go to log into my blog today and notice that the big long post I started last night didn't go through.  It was sitting in the drafts!  Oops.  It's now Sunday, so I'll post later today.

A king size tub big enough for 10 +me

We all just wanna be big rockstars ;)

My weight was up even more this morning so I just have to laugh about it and get over myself. If I don't laugh I'll take the weigh in seriously and I know I'm eating on plan so its something else.

I really need to get some Mrs Dash or something. The spices I have in my cupboard are sparse and don't go on eggs no matter what Justin says - especially oregano & basil lol. I'll have to go through and figure out what's still good then organize my spice cabinet. About like everything else in the house.

I'm seriously reconsidering the yard sale thing. Itd be so much easier just leaving things at the thrift store. It'll depend on how much more stuff I have to get rid of.